You're the one I'm dreaming of
by xredSunburstx
Summary: Arizona and Callie met the first time in High School and both of them know there's a connection, a special feeling they want to give in. But it's harder than they thought and years are passing until they are able to see each other and be together again.
1. Chapter 1

**You're the one I'm dreaming of**** – Part 1**

**Authors Note:**

Hey my lovely buddy's from all over the world!

Because 'I'll follow you into the dark" is coming to an end and I enjoyed it so much to write for you and of course I can't live without writing and reading your reviews I thought I'll write something more 'personal', something I experienced in a way and of course something more 'happy'. Now you're sitting there with the mouth drop open like Dana in Season 3 after Tegan&Sara said she's a lesbian and she was on acid. Oh yeah, you don't believe I'm really able to do that, hahahaha….

But in a way, like you already supposed… it's not just happy, but it's something for your heart, and don't we need that?

And I know there are a few 'High School' stories out there in the web, but I just had this idea rushing through my mind like a burning fire which couldn't be extinguished until I shared my thoughts with you and it's a way to work through something and how could it be better than sharing it with the rest of the world and writing a Calzona Fanfic??? And well, I love you being a part of my thoughts.

But I have to tell you one thing before I'm finally starting: I'm living in Germany and I ever lived there since I was born so except for it's not my mother language there's a LOT different in our school systems. I just want to warn you before I start and I try to avoid every kind of mistakes, but I'm not 100% sure, so if there's a mistake, tell me.

But I suppose the people who are attending school are always the same and they'll always be no matter where or when. I guess there'll always be different 'groups'; the 'cool ones' and the 'losers' (oh how much I hate that…) and there are a different kind of people.

So here is a story… a kind of fairytale… and I hope you like it even it's not quiet the same what I did before.

Enjoy it and you know I love to know what's going on in your mind!!!

And by the way, It's Callie's pov!!!

All my best wishes to you!!!

-Sun

………………………………………………………………………………………………...

**Chapter 1 **

When I look back I remember certain things.

I remember the time I had, the time I spent with my friends hanging around, laughing, spending days without doing anything, just laying on the beach, watching the waves raising and falling down again, building a rhythm that was magical to us. Sometime we sit there for hours, for a whole day, just sitting, talking, swimming, listening to music and enjoying life.

But there has also been a time; there had been days where it wasn't that easy to enjoy life without worrying about your past and your future. Even my friends knew me as a happy, crazy, talk active, bad - ass and funny person there was another person staying in my soul and this person was hard to restrain, hard to banish and so it stayed at the same spot for years.

And all I could do was watching how it grew until there wasn't place for something else.

When I was 17 those dreams started. It has been nightmares which reminded me of the things I'm scared of, of the things I can't have and the things I once had.

I always thought dreams were something treacherous.

Good dreams reveal you the thing you want, you need, your heart is aching for. Bad dreams are just the same, but simply the opposite. And the problem is it won't let you go even you are waking up.

I had a lot of problems to go to sleep, because it was hard for me to stop thinking. I really couldn't stop my mind pacing around where it shouldn't be in the middle of the night. I should have stayed in my bed, but instead I was elsewhere, guided by my heart, my thoughts and the sorrow I put on my shoulders. A weight I just couldn't carry with me without breaking someday.

But there has been someone to help me going my way, to help me finding my way and the first time in my life I felt relieved. I felt how the weight got less and less each day she was with me, until she left me.

The dreams started again; the weight came back, increasing to a point I couldn't go on anymore. But I survived; I got through it, until she got a part of my dreams again weeks ago.

Someday there was her face again; her smile so bright and shining, her eyes, full of honest and love… and passion… for me.

But now when I can't think about something else than her, when I really shouldn't, I try to find a reason, a cause of her entering my life again after so many years I tried to forget her.

And I search for the answer in my dreams.

I search for the answer in my past, where I still live.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………...

_Almost 15 years earlier._

2 Months.

2 Months I need to get through this, I tell myself as I'm opening my eyes too early once again. I could sleep another 20 minutes before I need to get up for school, but after a night like this I'm glad to be able to stand finally up leaving the land of my unspoken dreams.

When I'm awake it's harder to be caught by the 'monsters' of my dreams and so I lay there, telling myself holiday's are coming soon and that means endless days and nights spending with my friends at the beach, doing all the things I can't do now because of school.

So I stand up, stretch out my really tired arms and legs and yawn before I collect some cool clothes, because the sun is already shining outside and I guess it's going to be really hot day.

Well, here in Miami it isn't very strange to get hot days. And that's what I love about Miami. The amazing weather!

But there's something I don't love about Miami right now and that's living with my family under one roof. Of course I love them. I guess that's just the way it is. You can't forget or stop loving people even they are hurting you sometimes. It doesn't matter if they are family or friends or the one you felt so deeply and madly in love with. There are some people you have a deep connection with if you want or not.

Oh and there it is, the connection I just can't deny. My brother. In a way I love him too. But things are just too complicated and even I look up to him since I'm a little girl, because he's 5 years older than I am, he makes it hard for me to accept his opinion and to actually love him.

As soon as I'm entering the kitchen he looks up with the usual "I know everything" grin on his face and I wish I wouldn't care about what's going on again and I don't have to wait long before he's telling me why he is in such a good mood this morning. I can hardly say "Good Morning" to him and Mom before he is throwing a mocking comment in my direction that leads to something worse.

"I've talked to your headmaster yesterday…"

Yeah, there are really things you don't want to hear when you are just starting a new day, trying to believe the day is going to be good, because it can't be worse as the day before. But thanks to him it can.

"Just because you already left school, studying, Mr Superbrain. And just because you still have contact with her doesn't mean you can talk to her about my marks and me in general!"

I snap back annoyed.

Oh, how much I hate that look on his face, like he has the power over anything and everyone else are his marionettes.

But with me he likes to play the most with and I bend.

There he continues as he didn't even listen to what I said.

"So… I talked to her about you… there has been interesting things…" he starts again and I give in, with my eyes rolling, so he is finally satisfied.

"Oh… really?"

"How's school going, Callie?" he asks me in a tone and with a smirk that reveals me everything I need to know: He knows everything and that's the worse thing ever.

"That's nothing for you to know…" I reply already angry.

"Well… they are not so good… She asked me what's wrong with you and I told her you have to learn a little bit more, because you're lazy…"

Until now I was able to control myself, but it's too late. I'm angry…. Oh god, I'm more than that.

"What have you done???"

He simply nods and I am absolutely ready to start a fight in the garden like we did when we were younger. Oh, I would shove and kick his ass until he isn't able to walk. God damn.

"You don't have the right to do that!"

I almost scream and let's say it's very hard for me not to punch him in the face directly. Even he would be right with the things he has said he hasn't got THE right to tell her these things exactly. For god's sake he is my brother… As if "We need to be there for each other, because we are brother & sister. Think about it! We are 100% from the same blood".

Yeah, each time he needs me we are from the same blood, but I guess yesterday he simply forget. Just _perfect_!

And there it is. He stands up as nothing happened and before he is leaving the room again he says in a wiseacre tone.

"Well… You should learn more and dream less…"

I'm almost saying: "Well, brother heart, you're not really interested in me and you are hardly here so stick your comments anywhere but keep them to yourself… You don't know me at all, damn!"

But hey, a simple "Lick my ass idiot!" fits my needs too.

My mother shrieks as she hears it.

Indignities and curses are not welcome under her roof, no she really didn't appreciated them in any way but I couldn't stop myself and I don't regret it. To be honest I'd say it over and over again if I had to.

"Your mother!" He tries to hurt me and smiles. Oh and that one made my mother scream.

"It's your mother too, dumbass…"

I reply before I'm waving both of them goodbye.

Girl, what a good way to start your morning…


	2. Chapter 2

**Authors Note: **Soo… this is Chapter 2.

I know the first one wasn't really good, but I hope you continue reading. I just need a little bit of a slow pace to reveal how Callie could have been when she was at high school and how she was before Arizona came into her life. But you don't have to wait long before the real story is beginning. The short 'lesson – part' is also a lil bit necessary for the rest of the story.

Hopefully you like that and I appreciate your comments.

-Sun

* * *

**Chapter 2**

After I left I thought my day really couldn't get better.

Not after what he said and not the way I'm feeling right now.

It's pure disappointment, hurt and shame, because I know in a way he's right.

Unfortunately he knows me too well.

Unfortunately he exactly knows how I act, how I developed and that I'm wasting my time with dreaming and hoping, instead of learning what I probably should do.

But that's who I am and I don't have a reason to change, not because of him or my family… not for anyone…

But my day got better. Cause it's a great feeling to enter your school, hugging your friends, throwing people a happy 'Good morning!' into their direction and wave, just to see them smile.

It's all about pretending, not thinking about what happened before you were a part of this institution and your friends again.

It's all about forgetting and being someone else I guess…

Well the 'good' school start with my friends and the people I know ended abruptly when I suddenly found out that we had to do an essay in science. A subject I was never really working for, because it was something I was just good in, but the problem is another forgotten homework and I'll have to talk to my lovely headmaster. It was a promise my teacher gave me smiling and I'd be pleased to avoid this kind of meeting.

Because of that I rush into the classroom as the first and I throw my bag on the ground right after I got a paper and a pencil to write my homework down. Unfortunately I get used to this kind of "home" working…

And I wrote and wrote with something called panic and fear sitting on my shoulder whispering words full of stress in my ears. But nothing could stop me, not even as my friends came in, sitting beneath me, talking about boys, or the others were acting like playground children around me.

I don't even stop as Mrs. Pearce is entering the room; greeting us with her usual gushing "Good Morning pupils!" way, placing the small teacher bag on the table.

"Today we have a guest! It's one of my other pupils, she's doing her final exam next year, and because she is interested in graduating in English literature she's going to spend the lesson with us now! Just sit down on the free chair…" Mrs. Pearce explains, but I'm not looking up, looking around to know who she brought with her. I don't even spin around to see the 'beauty' who brings every of our boys to whistle in anticipation.

I'm completely concentrating on the last sentences of my essay about the effect drugs has on your body. Thank god I'm good in biology… I'd have big, real big, problems if I couldn't write 2 pages within 10 minutes. But I can't even finish the last sentences, because I guess, today isn't really my day…

"Today I brought you a poem I want to talk about, in comparison to our latest topic: 'Love in literature'."

She says while she's handing out small papers to every one of us, giving us a little time to read over it, but that's not enough. She also wants someone to read it out and even everyone shows how stupid they think it is I like it. My favourite and best lesson is biology/science, because it's the thing I want to do later. But I long lost my dream to be a doctor… with the marks I have now I can forget it…

I always liked English as a subject and I also like poems, because they reveal the soul of something. It's short, but it's full of non said things you sometimes just can say in a poem. There are so many ways to tell it, so many forms and so much space to interpret it and that's what I like about it. It's melodic… somehow it's beautiful.

"Who like to read this one out???" She asks and everyone is laughing silently.

Yeah, of course everyone is raising there hands voluntarily.

And even I have to grin widely, because I know the usual 'looking away, coughing like you can't read because somehow your throat suddenly starts to hurt, never look her in the eyes' tactic of my mates. Well and I was so stupid to look her in the eyes.

"How about you Callie? Would you like to read it out?"

Every one is laughing evil, glad they wasn't picked, maybe even a little bit gleeful that I was now the one who would stumble over words, blaming herself.

But I simply nod before I start to read it out, and hardly had I spoken out the first sentences everything around me is quiet, listening to my voice as I speak out the words I find in front of my eyes. When I'm reading it it's an amazing feeling, because I'm not thinking about speaking something wrong, instead I'm fleeing into another world for a few seconds and I take all of them with me.

"Let Nature be your teacher:

Sweet is the lore which Nature brings;

Our meddling intellect

Mis-shapes the beauteous forms of things.

We murder to dissect –

Enough of Science and of Art;

Close up those barren leaves;

Come forth, and bring with you a heart

That watches and receives.

William Wordsworth"

And the silent captured everyone, even one of the loudest hold his breathe. Even the room stayed quiet, until the laughter broke it again and I turned as red as a tomato.

"Wow! You heard Callie read this out. Man this girl has a poet in her…"

They laughed mockingly and I knew school isn't about building up and defend and solidifying your personality.

No, it's rather about hiding yourself in the best possible way and that's what I'm trying to do after reading it out. I try to look the most pissed I can when my heart is saying something else.

But Mrs. Pearce sees it in another way, just like them, but in her eyes I have a real poet in me.

Just perfect… Another lesson she's going to do with you… Another lesson you have to justify in the front of those jerks. Another comment you say they are using to make you feel like an idiot and a loser instead of letting you be a part of the cool.

"Thank you, Callie…" She says grateful with a sympathy smile for me.

"So… what do you think is the intension of the poem?" She asks into the round, but it takes a few minutes until she's finally invoice Steve.

The Steve I was once together to proof myself I'm not different. The Steve who is mocking me since I left him. The Steve who is the biggest asshole in the whole school.

"I think William Wordsworth wants to tell us that we shouldn't drive with a car…" he says like he said the cleverest thing in the world.

"Well… Steve… it's not the main intension of him, but…"

"… but it's totally crap…" I blurt out loud without really thinking what I'll start with this. Everyone laughs and he will be ashamed the rest of the lesson and usually I'd be glad, but he's never just leaving something when he was the one who got laughed at.

I know I should better stop before I gave him another reason to make the situation any worse, but I can't stop myself from correcting him. It's not because he said something wrong, it's because the boy who thinks he knows EVERTHING said it. Because the boy who treats every one who isn't his friend like shit and I'm not even sure they get threaded the way they should be as his friends.

"It wasn't really William Wordsworth who wants to tell us something, it's the first person narrator who's acting like our teacher, who wants to make us realize something really important. But he's also including himself in line 5. He is also someone who murder to dissect. The main intension of the poem is our lifestyle, the cities we built, the nature we killed with that. It's an allusion of the Industrialisation that changed a lot of things. Furthermore it's about Nature which should teach us, be a part of our life, but instead we are rather life in connection with Science, technology and technical progress. He talks about giving nature a try and realizing the beauty of it. Line 5 also reveals that we are misleading the situation, that we are part of something that murders our nature. And there we are at the natural behaviour of the human beings. It's normal, but we need to change and we need to be thought. WE have to realize that we bring nature its perdition, but we also bring ours and we destroy our salvation…"

I say and there's another silent moment, but this time there is no laughter and no one is saying something instead of Mrs. Pearce who is looking at me in disbelief, before she brings out an astonished "Wow, yeah… that's absolutely right… Good…" And then she's clearing her throat and she continues.

"And how do you think you can compare this poem to love?"

Again there is silence and I raise my hand, hearing a few annoyed sighs, but today I don't really care. To hell with all of them sighing because I know it, because I have to say something.

"Yeah, Callie?" She says with a smile and I can see in her eyes how grateful she is that at least one is answering her questions.

"If we replace Nature with love and science and art with hate and lies it's easy to see the scheme. It's quiet the same. WE just have to listen to love, because love is everything that counts in the end. We just need to see the beauty of love and forget everything that makes us believe that there's no love, that love isn't worth it. We have to get through all the hate, the lies and war that separates us from the salvation love brings to us. If we open our heart and if we give in we receive more than we do when we are influenced by the bad things, when we believe in other things than love. We shouldn't try to dissect love or ask what it is. We just have to believe in it and live with it. Nothing more is asked. Just watch and listen. Love is a sainthood we need to realize to life with it, because Love is everything that counts in the end. It's everything."

I'm used to all the laughter, but it still hurts… it hurts to realize that I'm the only one who thinks of it in that way. The only ones who aren't laughing are my friends and the girl who is sitting in the last row. I didn't need do look around to see her or see if she laughed, because I can differ. I know their laughter to know the usual ones are laughing. It's like each English lesson…

And because it makes me feel very very uncomfortable I leave class as soon as the bell is ringing and I hide myself at my most favourite place right under the tree a little bit away from the usual school building and I enjoy the offer of peace and silence. But I'm not long alone as my best Friend is sitting down beneath me, looking me directly in the eyes.

"It was awesome what you said…" She tells me sincerely and I know she isn't just lying to make me feel better, but I just can't forget the way I was feeling when I sat in there, listening to their voices, their laughter.

I know I should smile and I know I should be proud of myself making them speechless. But it's just the other way around. Unfortunately it always has been like that. I'm really bad ass, I really am, but sometimes I just ask myself what I have done wrong to make them laugh so hard.

"Thank you…" I reply and for the rest of our short break we sit there talking about the last movie we have seen and I love to be able to think about something else for a minute. I am able to escape Steve.

But even I feel restless I believe that there will be something more someday. I believe that someday I can be who I am without hearing loud laughter.

Maybe… Maybe someday could come soon?

* * *

One thing I hate about this school is the few pupils who make it more difficult as it has to be.

But one thing I love about here and I guess it's also the reason I first thought about attending the school are the all year coming musicals I adore. And even I have to spend my spare time at school I enter our assembly hall with a smile recognizing all the people who are already working.

There are a few sitting on the tables to learn their text, another part is sitting on the ground, preparing things for the stage design, a few of the singers are already on the stage doing something that looks like some strange kind of choreography and the rest is sitting on the white chairs, talking, laughing, waiting for their part to come up. And because I also need to wait for my part to come up I sit down beneath some of my friends who are also working on this.

Yeah, usually I'd love to leave school as fast and possible and that it's unbelievably hot outside and it's time to spend your time in the water instead of watering like a fountain I love it to sit here. It's kind of another world I live in for a few hours a few days in the week a few months until we had our production. Until the normal school day will haunt me and get me back for free. I love staying her, being one of the ones who love something, not being laughed at. I love to be a part of something else.

But when I'm looking up I'm getting pulled away again. I'm leaving this world to go and visit another one.

As I'm looking up I get hit so suddenly and my body is tensed within seconds.

I look up a brief moment to see what's going on and instead I see her, a girl I've never seen her before, standing there with a giant smile plastered on her face and I can't believe how fast my heart is actually racing because of someone I just recognized.

I can't believe that my eyes are permanent fixated on her body, taking in every move she's making. I can't believe how suddenly it hit me and I can't believe…

I can't believe how beautiful she is.

Her blond shoulder long curls are caressing her chin so perfectly and the white summer dress she's wearing just simply fits her figure and her long slender legs so well and I am staring at her like an idiot.

But as soon as I'm looking away, trying to hide my embarrassment and asking myself if someone has seen HOW I looked into her direction, I find myself looking back just a few seconds afterwards and I stare at her like I've never seen a girl before and I ask myself why I'm so attracted to her.

For sure there are a lot of beautiful girls outside, but she is… she's different, because it's like she was lighten the room with the way she smiles when she entered the room.

Oh god… the realisation hits me hard after I acted like one if those love sick guys around here…

I want her, God… I really want her…

I'm falling for a girl within seconds who's miles away from me, who's still a stranger, who's name I don't even now, but I wish I could get to know everything about here.

I want to know why she's smiling right now the way she does.

I want to know about what she's thinking when she's looking out of the window, seeming to loose every connection to the world around her.

I want to know what she feels when they bring her back into reality and when she's laughing.

I want to be the one who's sitting next to her in the chair talking to her like we were old friends and like we could be more than that.

I want to know everything.

But still there's something I already know: She's beautiful and I need to talk to her. I need to…

"Callie?"

I spin around, looking at one of the musical leaders.

"Yes?"

"Could you help us over there?"

Just perfect….

And I thought I could spend the rest of the time watching her, but even I can't look at her, her features are permanent printed down in my head anyway…


	3. Chapter 3

**Authors Note: **Oh yeah… that's really unlike me, but I guess there's a lot going on lately and I'm very sorry I keep you on line this time. School is just very important right now and when I'm finished I'm damn tired… But I try my best to continue this as fast as possible, because I LOVE your review and I really like writing this. I hope you enjoy it even it's not one of the quickest paces you have ever read. But things built up… I really appreciate your comments and I'd be really lucky. It's just a short part, leading to something bigger I promise…

Have a nice week!!!

-Sun

**Chapter 3**

It's strange sometimes how easily you get lost in a person without knowing them well enough to say you got a crush. I always thought you fall in love because you know someone very well. You know them so well to be able to say you are falling in love with them.

But I guess I contradict myself if I confess know that she's affecting me somehow. The first time I recognized her in a crowd of people and the second time I saw her again, sitting in a classroom, waiting with her mates for their teacher to come I stand still.

Far away from her, but close enough to watch her, and every move she's doing.

Last night I had a nice dream in a long time and she was the reason. I saw her in front of my eyes and I was so close to her that I felt her breathe, that I could touch her soft curls with my shaking hands. It was scary, but I also felt so peaceful in her presence… just looking into her blue and honest eyes… taking in every sight, every detail I get.

And now as I stand there, closing my eyes I feel the same and as I open them again to look at her realisation hits me in an uncomfortable way. I start to like her, without knowing her at all and that's just a kind of strange. It's kind of strange to be fixated on a beautiful girl, looking her as if you have never seen something beautiful in your entire life.

One week has already passed the last time I saw her in our Practise and I still ask myself why she has been there and how she's a part of our production, because I haven't seen her the last few times when I was there.

And I still look at her even the bell has already rung and I should be in class again. I look up a last time and this last glance I share with her, because she looked up at the same time as me. I blush and look away immediately so as she wasn't the reason I stood at the same point for over 5 Minutes.

* * *

Maths wasn't my best course, it has never been. I wasn't bad, but I wasn't really interested in it at all and maths has always been the hours I spent thinking about something else, but I still was able to follow what happened in front of me.

With her on my mind it was just worse. I wasn't really able to listen to what our teacher said and so I spent 2 hours looking out of the window, asking myself how I could possible forget her as soon as possible and stop my childish affection, because one week, searching for her eyes the whole day was enough to make my mind go crazy.

The other solution would be talking to her, realizing how ugly her personality is and forgetting her afterwards or just stalking her a little bit more afterwards before I take the car of my dad and kidnap her.

But one of those two things had to be happen really soon, that's what I already knew, because she couldn't capture my mind like that forever.

She just couldn't… and she shouldn't… I shouldn't let myself be so affectionate…

And I try to forget her as I walk to the assembly hall for another few hours practise. One of the best things of being a part of the special musical production is staying away from school a few times in the week and instead training and practising.

And as I'm walking up the stairs to the big room where everyone is already working I hear music coming from the gym and I just can't keep myself from watching what's there going on, because it's a song I know from our production, but I thought we were upstairs to practise and so I spin around and I walk up to the gym, entering the big room where I can see the cheerleaders and one of our teachers, dancing with them and I realize what's going on here: Of course we have some girls dancing and they are training here.

And of course they asked all the cool cheerleader girls to do that.

Well I'm not surprised and I'm not really jealous, because I'd suck in dancing and I'm not really friends with them. Cheerleaders and the Football/Baseball guys of our school are people; people like me usually don't hang around with.

It's like a rule that was made up years ago, engraved in a stone wall that's a part of our daily school routine and dare you to forget that.

Talking to them while you're in class and you need or ask something about any subject is hardly makeable, but it's acceptable. But talking to them in private, about something different, is something you're not really up to.

Sometimes I feel like a leper, highly infectious, a reason they don't talk to us or looking at us in a disgusting way like Brenda is doing now.

Brenda is a girl I know for a few years now and those years has been too much.

She's the cheerleader's header and one of the cool girls who are going to rule the world with her fashion filled head or whatever.

I see her looking at me, saying something to her friends who are starting to laugh immediately and almost I'd have taken a fight, throwing a nice comment into her direction, but suddenly, as she takes a step to her side I recognize blond curls I could never forget and so my mouth hangs open, but no word is coming out.

Of course I asked myself what she was doing when she wasn't acting, singing or building. I asked myself so many times how I could come near her and if there was any chance for me to just know her name or hear her voice once.

And there she stands, looking beautiful in god damn simple black shorts and a simple white top, fitting her slender body oh so well… and I… I'm staring at her like an idiot once again.

_God damn, Callie, put yourself together now… You're not the bad – ass funny girl your friends thinking you are… Don't embarrass yourself now by looking at her like a stupid doll…_

I tell myself before I'm taking one last glance, rushing out of the room immediately.

Well, I knew it would be difficult to get in touch with her… but so hard? Man, what have I done to deserve something like that?

We are worlds apart…

We are just world apart and I almost accept that I'm never going to know her name or get more near her than just 10 meters.

We are worlds apart and I know that her beauty will be like snake venomous to me.

Girls like Brenda and her friends are always the same… I just know them to well, because I had time to realize how they are functioning.

And because I know how I am functioning I go to my friends again and tell myself over and over again that this was just a stupid crush, because she's far the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.

But even I'm telling me all of those things to act normal and rationally again I just can't keep her out of my mind. It's like she already got a place there and the worse thing is that I can't tell someone. I'd love to tell the people I like around here, but I'm too scared for others to know. I accepted myself, but I know the time isn't already there to be accepted by others.

I look around and I see boys and girls holding hands on the street, kissing in the cinema or in the ice shop, flirting with each other in public, and even a lot changed we are not quiet there where I wished we would be. Sometimes I feel like the world stopped in another century, Sometimes I don't believe it's already 1995. I can't believe there are still people who can't accept love in all its forms and figures… I don't want to believe that I can be judged for something so pure and beautiful. I just wish I could scream it out loud, but my mouth is filled with silence and so I live in a society, I am still a part of a society I don't want to live in. I don't want to be a part of something homophobic, discriminatory and judging.

But sometimes it's easier to shut your heart out and so I shut her out of my thoughts… At least for a few minutes, before she's entering my thoughts again…


	4. Chapter 4

**Authors Note:**I know it might not be the best High School story you've ever read and I know there are a few REALLY good out there, but I'm still very happy you are reading this and I promise it's getting better as it was in the beginning. It didn't really have a good start, but let's see what's happening here… Of course I'm not leaving my usual style and it's kind of dark, but it will still be full of desire, compassion, passion and fighting for the things you want and love, even it's not easy sometimes.

I'd love to give you an Arizona centric Chapter, but you first get it in the next Chapter ;-)

I hope you like this Chapter and I highly appreciate your comments!!

Thank you & have fun reading a very nervous Callie

-Sun

* * *

**Chapter 4**

In all the movies I've watched there are always a special moment, the two who will obviously falling in love with each other during the movie, are meeting.

There are those puppy dog love glances, the adoration written all over their faces. As a child, watching all those Disney movies and listening to the fairy tales our parents were telling us we don't learn something else, something more realistic.

We believe in miracles and love and beautiful falling – in – love moments until we realize: It has been a lie!

As I'm walking through the big room on a Saturday morning (on which I should sleep and not working at 9 am for a school production) there aren't slow motion or soft music playing in the background or something special that'd lead to something magical.

It's just me… and 30 other pupils, running around, talking, working, laughing…

It's just me who think something special should happen right now with her spinning around, shaking her blond and curly hair right before looking into my direction, smiling brightly, because she knows: We are made for each other!

Well… like I said… it's just me wishing this moment would come, soon… before I'm exploding.

But it was though magical in a way and whenever I think back, I guess, it was destiny playing its little confusing games, crossing my way with hers wherever I went.

I tried to avoid here frantically; I tried to get over my stupid crush, but whatever I was doing –there she was – standing right in front of me, just a few meters away and all I could think about was her beauty.

And whatever I'm telling myself, trying to convince myself that a girl like her would never notice me or would have feelings for me, because… that's just the way it is I guess. I also try to tell myself that every cheerleader has a little evil inside, cause Brenda was a really good teacher I suppose.

But like always, my heart isn't really listening to my sanity.

So I'm taking a big breathe right before I'm entering the wooden stage, walking up to where she's standing while she seems entirely concentrating on her work. And I never thought someone could look sexy like she is with a white bowl in her hand hat looks exactly like a plastic glass and it's filled with acrylic color. Oh no… painting never looked that sexy…

The last thing I'm telling myself, before I say something to her is:

Don't blush, whatever she's saying or doing! Be funny! Don't say something stupid or ramble! Follow those rules and if she's the same beautiful inside like she is outside, make her going out with you immediately!

And before my mind is really functioning and my breath and my pulse slowed down I'm standing right behind her, asking: "You might need help?"

Smooch Torres… Very smooch…

Yeah, as soon as I spoke those words out I regret what I said. Couldn't I think about something cooler? No… just perfect… and not that I might collapse soon; because my heart is speeding up like mad, my voice is also cracking and she is… revealing me the most beautiful smile as she's spinning around.

"Sure!!! Take one of those color filled bowl over there! I need every help I get!"

She replies with an angel voice… and I'm completely loosing myself in her half-moon dimples, her soft voice and in her hundred watt smile that makes my body melt like butter on a fresh toasted toast…

Seconds later after I followed her lead I'm standing at her side, feeling like an idiot with some stupid color in my hand, painting some wall for our musical production when I just want to throw that away and press my lips on her instead…

Oh yeah!!! My plan to make her go out with me is working… _not_…

But finally after a few minutes in completely silence I start to speak up again, not giving up yet.

"Cheerleader, right?"

Oh yeah, the conservation starts to get better… where the hell I learned to start and carry on a conversation like this?

She's spinning around, confused, maybe cause I was speaking up so suddenly, maybe cause I crossed a line with talking to her?

But there it is… another dimples revealing smile. Could she please stop this?? God damn… she's killing me right here….

"Oh… yes! How do you know?"

"I saw you doing some dancing practise the other day and I thought you are a part of the cheerleaders the way you are moving…" I say and shrug with my shoulders to let it look like it's nothing important before I'm confessing that I was stalking her.

"Oh yeah… of course…"

"You look great doing it…" I say without thinking and as she looks up again, frowning, I correct myself immediately. "I mean… you all look very professional…"

"Thanks…" Those god damn dimples…

"You like doing it?"

"Yes, I always like sport and cheerleading is very athletic and something great… but it's also very exhausting… and I don't mean the training…"

"You mean the…!"

"Yes… super inappropriate… I guess it's a true thing they say about Cheerleaders… the Gossip and all… but I hate it…" She says and I can read in her eyes like she is an open book, and I see that she isn't lying, so I trust her, tell her more than I thought I'd do. Telling a lot from yourself isn't really flirty… At most if you are like me… a no one in school.

"Yeah… I know what you mean…"

And I really know it… But just in a different way… I'm not the one who likes to talk about the other girls, I'm someone the other girls talk about. Not that I'm a fragile girl, weak, because of it… I'm rather pissed… but I got used to it… I got used to something no one should get used to it… but it's the usual disunion. And even I'd love to get used to different things I know it's hardly convertible…

But I'm thinking of getting used to better things though…

And she… the girl with the blond curls, should get used to me.

"And you are doing some sport here too?"

"Ohhh no!" I say laughing out loud. "Sport isn't my thing… I'm interested in different things…"

She looks at me, smiling, understanding.

"And what are you interested in?"

I'd love to say: _You_… but instead I'm answering:" In sciences and literature…"

A simple answer, but she seems to think strained.

"Wait… are you in Mrs. Pearce English class?" I nod, frowning, not knowing what it has to do with my answer, until she's chuckling in the sweetest way.

"I knew I know your voice from somewhere! I remember you doing the whole lesson while everybody around you was starring blankly. You totally ruled! I thought what you said about the poem was super amazing!"

Second rule is a goner now… I'm blushing like an overripe tomato.

"Oh yeah… I was? Thanks…"

"You completely were! I was really surprised how much someone could read out in a few lines. I was highly impressed…" She says while she's kneeling down just like me, the work isn't the main attraction, instead we are, our conversation, her eyes and her full lips starring at me.

"Literature has always been one of my favourite things to do!"

"And your favourite?"

"Shakespeare of course!" I split out without hesitating and then I do something I never do, because I don't want to look like a completely freak, but with her it feels… pure and good to be just who I am.

"Doubt thou the stars are fire,  
Doubt the sun doth move..."

I start to cite from Shakespeare, looking her straight into the eyes and as I'm not expecting it her voice is suddenly intermingling with mine.

"Doubt truth to be a liar  
but never doubt thy love…"

We breathe out the last sentences in a whisper, at the same time, the soft glance never breaking. The lip-gloss on her lips is shining like her golden hair and all I want to do is tasting her flavour, her soft lips…

"William Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act II, Scene II…" She speaks out in the same low voice and I'm finally brought back into reality where we both start to laugh out loud. I can't believe how good I feel in her presence and I never thought this could really happen.

"So… you want to study English literature?" She asks, smiling, dropping her paint – brush in and out of the colour very playful while she is still listening to me. The work is long forgotten.

"Well… I love English literature… it's beautiful… but I always dreamed about being a doctor but …" I say, words filled with emphasis and melancholy…

"What's retarding you?"

"My marks… I'm not good enough… I just don't find the motivation right now even I'd love to and even I'm interested…" And suddenly I feel her hands on my legs and my whole body is tingling, just with one electric shock rushing through my body… And I … I want her so much right now…

"Hey… don't give up… you should fight for the things you want… and maybe… I could help you? We could learn together… it'd help you and it'd be a good training for my exam for sure?!"

And I name this day ceremonially to the best day in my whole life!

"Of course… I'd love to…" I reply, smiling like cherish cat.

"What's your name by the way?" She says, blushing slightly and giggling.

Usually I would tell someone else how everyone is calling me. But with her… with her I want to start different. I want her to know everything and I start with my name…

"Calliope…"

If I ever thought she couldn't grin wider she just broke her record, smiling lovely.

"It's such a beautiful name… It's very melodic and slips from the tongue easily… It fits you just perfectly… I think it's super… My name… by the way… is Arizona…"

And there she is, Arizona, licking over her lips, before grinning again, put forth her hand and as I reach out, touching her for the first time I realize that I never want to do something else.


	5. And the fire is still burning

**Authors Note: **Soo… finally another Chapter after a longer break… at the moment I can't find the head and time to write, but the thoughts about this are always in my mind and I continue for sure… The first part of the Chapter is Dakota's point of view, Arizona's brother… just to see how he thinks about Arizona and her developing feelings. And afterwards there will be Arizona's pov and a lil bit of Callie at the end. I hope you enjoy and remember; I really love and appreciate your comments!!

**Chapter 5**** - And the fire is still burning**

_(Dakota's pov)_

In all of our life's there is a time we start to realize special things.

At first sometimes we start to realize that one single thing in our life has been a lie from the beginning, but we are still hiding the truth, because we are too scared to confess, we are too afraid to think about the consequences, we are to lousy, enjoying the feeling of the place we have been for a long time. We like to stay there, because it's easier to lie to you than to be honest to yourself and the people around you. We are like little children who pout whenever they don't get what they want; we are stubborn. Completely stubborn.

And then there's also a time in life you feel the butterflies rushing through your body for the first time. You realize that when you are really and truly falling in love there's something changing inside and outside. Everything is differently. But it's not just the kind of love everyone is practicing, everyone gives in. Real love feels a way differently, it feels strange and scary, but also awesomely good and you know you want to feel like that each and every day from now on.

Now there's a small problem you didn't consider before. You are still stubborn and of course you are a really good liar. You couldn't have thought the thing you were doing was right If you aren't quiet a good liar; good in pretending, lying about your true feelings.

All my life I watched her raise and grow up. All my life she was my little girl and she still is, she'll ever be. And all my life I was proud of her being who she was, standing up for the things she wanted, being remarkable. But she also said yes to things she never really wanted. She took the easy road when it was too hard to raise her hand and confess when it was too hard to be herself.

But I know her better than she knows herself and what she's doing right now is not the normal Arizona I know so well. So I walk up to her room and lean against the door frame while I'm watching her, knocking softly after another few seconds passing by slowly.

She spins around sending a smile my way not saying a word. Sometimes we really don't need to communicate. I don't know if it's because we are brother and sister or if it's because she's also my best friend. I don't really know, but I guess its just destiny that brought us together and we would hang out even we wouldn't be the part of the same family. I love her like a sister and it happened that I also love her like a best friend and because of that I'm double – worried, double – interested and double – amused if I find something out about her; a secret she doesn't know yet.

"What are you doing?" I ask her finally with a knowing grin around my lips.

She told me someone would come over today, but I guess it's not her stupid boyfriend.

Whenever he is coming over, and he's rarely coming over, it's always different.

And I never liked him; because Arizona is just a beautiful award he won, another triumph, another miraculous signboard. She's popular, athletic and beautiful. Enough reasons to keep her as a girlfriend. I wish she would realize what I realized weeks ago: she deserves something better, someone better. Someone else.

Her eyes, an open book, already revealing the truth, which she tries to hide so desperately behind a haze of fear and lies. She tries to hide one obvious fact: She isn't happy.

She's fine with him, because he's one of the people she started to hang out with after she became a cheerleader, but she isn't like them. She has never been.

The sparkle in her eyes is missed for a long time now and I wish she could see it too.

The crazy thing is that now, looking into her navy blue eyes it's revealing something else: anticipation and joy.

"A friend is coming over…" She replies empathised.

"Really? You look like you are rather going out on a date… at least you are standing very long in the front of the mirror if it's just a friend?!" I reply, trying to make my little sister confess. But confess what? Why her eyes are lighting up so suddenly and her mood seems brighter than the last days whenever she saw her other, her 'real' friends?

"Oh shut up Dakota! Don't be ridiculous!" She laughs out after hesitating.

Yeah. She obviously hesitated. Long enough to capture my attention completely.

"Who's coming?"

"Calliope… We'll learn together…."

She answers with a smile that reveals her 'I'm in a super good mood, but nervous' dimples and suddenly a simple ringing is interrupting our conversation I wish we could continue, because there's a lot to say to her. A lot to ask.

But there she is running down the stairs, bouncy like always and never before.

And there's another thing I know before she did.

Another thing she needs to consider.

Another thing she needs to realize and confess to herself.

Another thing I wish she wouldn't lie about…

* * *

_(Arizona's pov)_

Do you believe in love? In real magical breathe – taking – thunderbolts love that hits you every single time you realize you finally have it?

Do you believe in fairytale feelings capturing your body?

Do you really believe in all of that truly happening?

Well, I dreamed of lighting striking your body, leaving you back, worn out and tear apart in a beautiful and hypnotizing way.

But I… I never had that… never.

Do you know how to lie to yourself about love? Lying because you are hopeful, blind and captured by a feeling which is called false "infatuation". It's the wish to be finally able to give your love to someone, I guess, a feeling like you are going to explode when you are holding those feelings back.

I did that so many times and even deep down I realized that I was lying to myself. I lied to myself to protect myself from the loneliness. And I… I thought I could be happy. But should I? Can I? Am I?

To answer this question I would have to tell myself the truth… but I'm not strong enough to do so. It's easier to lie… isn't it?

All I know now is that I'm standing in my room, wearing my favourite blue Jeans and a simple green shirt after trying on a way to many clothes and I look at the girl in the mirror, asking myself if I look good enough, thinking about something I shouldn't think about…

Then there are questions, asked by my twin brother, I shouldn't be so nervous about, a flatter in my stomach I shouldn't feel so comfortable with.

But when the door bell rings I don't hide my anticipation anymore. Instead I ran down the stairs and open the door abruptly; and when I see her lighting is striking me surprisingly and I hold my breath intentionally.

When I see her standing there in front of me with black jeans and beautiful purple shirt on that fits her hair and skin colour so well it feels like a fire is suddenly starting to burn and rise after trying so long and so hard to get it finally started.

You can't deny the flames, curling and lambent like a snake, how it sounds like fallen leaves during autumn. Sizzling softly, but audible.

You can't ignore the heat, which is burning your skin slowly, lighting up your eyes, making your heart beat faster and faster and faster, until you almost pass out.

You can taste and smell the kerosene and ash, but it taste so differently, so sweet, like a flower, starting to grow in spring. Like a tulip or jonquils to be exactly. A soft and sweet scent intermingling with a comforting heat. And you never want to stop gazing into these flames, her chestnut brown eyes.

She smiles brightly, but shyly, the same way she did when I first saw her during the musical practise. I recognized her intentionally; I saw her thoughtful glances, her beautiful eyes… so beautiful and magnifying. I met her very often, saw her walking by, watching me. And even I shouldn't enjoy the feeling; I wanted her to talk to me so badly.

Yes, I tried to deny the fire, but it was there… first small and inconsiderable, and then I saw the flames and heard their whisper; then I heard her voice and it was starting too quickly…

But… I keep it behind safe walls, behind a locked door. On the door is a name printed a very remarkable, indelible, name. Her name. And… Seduction – temptation – love?

I want to lie to myself so badly that it appears in front of me, blinking like a neon sign, revealing me the truth I try to hide. The more I try the less I'm able to forget and deny. It's so hard with her standing in front of me biting her lips.

"I'm sorry I'm too late…" are the first words coming out of her mouth.

"Hey… no problem!" I reply, before I say. "You're perfect."

Then silent follows.

"I mean… It's! It's perfect! Just awesome…"

Then she smiles knowingly.

"Great."

"Want to come in?"

"Sure…"

I step aside to let her finally in, after rambling a way to much.

She steps into the home of my 2 brothers and my parents, and looks around in our roomy entrance hall. I can see her eyes grow wider as she stands there and I start to giggle intentionally. That always happens whenever someone is coming to my house. It's not only the room we have; it's more about the pictures on the wall, the flags gracing almost every part of our house.

"I guess you love America a lot…" She says more to herself than to me, but loud enough for me to hear and I can't stop myself from laughing. I like how she' talking out what she's thinking, not really minding at all… It's something not everyone does.

"Oh yes! It's my father's obsession and his life for sure… He's a military man you know…" I say, proud, because I was born as a patriot, raised as someone who loves his country, but I'm not like he is… I couldn't fight and I don't want him or Dakota to go and fight somewhere else. Maybe it's selfish and maybe I'm not proud enough, but I just can't think about them leaving me someday and never coming back. I know Phoenix, my younger brother, good enough to say he would never go, but Dakota is another thing.

"I guess that's the reason for your name isn't it?" She starts to grin widely as I start to laugh.

"It's one of the reasons. Yes… but it's a long story." I tell her, not sure if she really wants to hear it. My usual friends are not really interested in this kind of things.

"I'd love to listen one day."

"And I'd love to tell you someday…" I say, before I'm leading her to my room. I'd love to tell her everything about me and that would be a start of course, but I just don't want to get lost in stories about war and fights, about military and soldiers. Too often I find myself trapped and caught in this kind of conversations.

When she enters the room her eyes are looking around frantically while my eyes are never leaving her body, whatever she's doing.

And the fire is still burning, slightly rising.

Her eyes are recognizing the big bed in the middle of the room, the few light brown shelves and settings matching the light parquet floor and the pale blue walls. But she also realizes the picture of Cindy Crawford on the wall and the amount of books I collected in so many years and the smile which is gracing her full lips is printed there like a permanent tattoo and when she spins around with a book in her hands I ask myself how it would feel to become one with them.

"Shakespear – Hamlet…" She smiles and I blush. She shouldn't know that I start to read it again, after I first talked to her.

"Oh yeah… I read it again… It's simply amazing…"

She hesitates a moment, before her features become calm and soft again, before she asks me what we are going to have to do about my English literature problem.

Am I bad that I hesitate, because I lied? Because I told her I'd need help just to be able to have a reason to meet her again?

"Oh yeah… I guess we could start with this poem… it's Shakespeare of course… Come sit down…" I say with a slight blush on my cheeks. We sit down on some simple chairs in front of my small table where I already opened the side of a book presenting Shakespeare poem collection. We don't have so much space to move that our legs are slightly touching. Close enough to make the heat in my body rise up. Why do I want her to be nearer?

"Oh…My Mistress' Eyes Are Nothing Like the Sun… that's a really good one. But isn't that something we always say about his work?" She laughs while I'm watching her, finally saying: "Could you read it out to me?"

Our eyes are connected for a moment, blue waves meeting the tenderness and softness of brown sand.

I'm scared she will ask me why, because I haven't got any explanation except of the want and need to listen to her voice without even listening. Just taking in the beautiful sound of her voice… But instead she simply nods, looking at me intentionally before she's looking away and starts to read out the letters immediately.

"My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;  
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;  
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;  
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.

I have seen roses damasked, red and white,  
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;  
And in some perfumes is there more delight  
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.  
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know  
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;  
I grant I never saw a goddess go;  
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground.  
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare  
As any she belied with false compare."

I listen to her, closing my eyes while her eyes are fixated on the text. I never thought someone could move me so much just by reading some words out. But with her around me everything seems to be differently and all I want to do is –

"Well.. okay… it's a sonnet. All sonnets consist of fourteen verses, that's just the way it's going I guess. Each verse has ten syllables. The stress pattern is weak, strong, weak, strong.

The rhyme scheme of the sonnet is as follows: a, b, a, b, c, d, c, d, e, f, e, f, g, g. The last two verses rhyme which is typical of the Shakespearean sonnet. The rhyme scheme of the sonnet is highly regular as is the case with this one. And of course…"

Then there's a break. A simple break my heart did while I'm listening to her. All I do is watching her, taking in every detail and I'm struggling with myself to not touch her. To not feel her when I shouldn't be doing it. But as soon as I can control anything in my body my hands starts to have their own mind.

Like a snake they are crawling from my leg over to hers and when they finally come in contact with her soft skin she gasps intentionally, immediately, surprised. But she doesn't look up, instead she closes her eyes, biting down her beautiful red lips, suppressing a beautiful soft sound cascading her mouth. But I want to hear it; I want to hear her whispering my name, never sounded so beautiful except of coming from her. And finally she looks up when I already reached her sensitive spot with my hands delicately drawing patterns over and over again. She gasps again as our lips are touching, first quietly and sensitive, tasting, touching, trying, enjoying the feeling that develops, that aches to be touched, more secretly, more intimately. And I want to feel so much of her, I want to…

"Well… The closing phrase false compare sums-up the essence of the poem wonderfully. Instead of falsely praising a love by making outlandish claims the narrator is honest and proud of his love and that honesty strikes the reader as genuine and sincere. Everything clear?"

That is what pulls me back into the right direction leaving me breathlessly and I just nod, gulp, and still shocked. I've never been a day dreamer, but she made me to one. She made so much out of me with barely knowing more than a few days.

"Yea… Yeah… Everything's alright…" I ramble nervously, hoping she didn't catch my inappropriately glances. I know it's wrong… it shouldn't happen, I shouldn't feel like that when I'm looking into her chocolate brown eyes, but do and I wanna feel it. I want to have her closer as soon as possible and when she says "Well… I guess then… my job is done…" I try to find a way to keep her here just a little longer.

"You want to watch a movie?" I blurt out like a stupid little child and she's looking at me the same way, confused.

"I… I mean… I just got Shakespeare in love today, cause my brother lend it for me and I… I thought we could watch it together… I mean… isn't that our favourite topic?"

"I'd love to…" She says with a confident smile making my heart flip once more.

* * *

_(Callie pov)_

Maybe it's wrong.

Maybe it's wrong, but it feels so good. It feels better than anything that I experienced before. I don't know how we got here, how we ended up like this, but with her head laying on top of my lap my finger found its way easily to her exposed skin.

And even I know it's toxic, she's toxic for me, I don't suppress the things I want.

And what I want is to touch her, show her exactly how she makes me feel whenever I see her and whenever she's around, so close. My fingers are gracing her milky skin like she's my work of art, and she truly is. She's mesmerizing. When she starts to move I'm scared I did too much, but she just shifts closer in her sleep, her eyes still closed with her lips still smiling.

And even I know it's the wrong thing to do I couldn't care less about society, about rules and behaving the right way, about falling in love with a girl you could and should never have.

And even I know it will leave me back heart broken I lean down and press my lips on hers for the first time. That's when I realize that I want her lips to touch mine… forever.


	6. I gotta feeling

**Authors Note:** Finally I'm here again and I'm happy to be, your comments ab-solut-ely made it worth and even I was worried it isn't good enough, because it really was a hard start here I'm thankful to have you as my readers! If you like this Chapter you have to thank loveaz, because she made me continuing again. Thanks for always believing in me. And here it's going. Reviews are appreciated a lot =)

-Sun

**Chapter 6**** – I gotta feeling**

_(Calliope's pov)_

I was an easy one, an easy one on love…

I could fall in love so quickly, hurt myself badly.

I came always back with broken wings. Hardly, but I made it.

Yeah, I was an easy one to fall, an easy one to make wrong decisions my whole life, because, I guess, I felt lonely most of the time and I searched for love in every face I saw. And I always was a good lover; I was a strong lover. Oh and I was good in digging my own grave.

I absolutely know how it feels to fall in love. Hey, I had a serious crush on Drew Barrymore when I was 12 years old, so I absolutely know how it is.

But… now it's different… I fall so quickly and hard and abruptly for someone I shouldn't fall for. I promised myself to take it slow, to not fall apart and over board, crying out for love.

But when I first kissed her softly, without her knowing it at all, I lost myself in her mouth, in her lips, in her closed eyes.

And even I told myself not to, I was falling… hard.

When I was walking home, with my lips still tingling, I knew that I was losing my heart, giving it away to a girl who didn't even knew why my lips were feeling crazy like that just because of her. Because of a kiss she wasn't even capable of.

I touched my lips with my finger, slowly and softly, and when I licked over them I still tasted her vanilla chap stick. I still knew how she felt; I just wished she would remember it too…

I walked almost an hour before I got home, an hour too late and I know I should have called them to tell them where I am, but I just couldn't. All I needed to do was walking home to get a clear head. All I needed was a little bit time for myself. But it didn't really help… all it helped was realizing how… beautiful she is…

And all it helped was getting into serious trouble.

Even I walked in, greeting my parents quickly before walking up the stairs, it wasn't enough for them. Not enough for my dad.

"Young lady, stop in your tracks – NOW!" That's when I spun around, annoyed, knowing it wouldn't be the last thing I was going to hear.

"Where have you been?"

"At Arizona's, dad. I helped her with some schoolwork and I told you."

"I know that. But I WANT to know where you have been that long!" He screamed furiously like I knew him… loosing his temper sometimes.

"Dad… I stayed a little bit longer at her place and we watched a movie…"

"Don't lie to me, Calliope! Don't lie to your dad, mija! You've been with a boy like your other friends! You have a boyfriend!!"

And there it was: his paranoid bone. Wrong accusations, accumulations filled with wrong ideas.

I'd love to tell him everything. I'd love to tell him that there's never going to be a boy I'm sneaking to.

"Dad, I have no boyfriend and I'm not meeting a boy secretly." I answered deflating like always.

"Of course you do! Everyone in your age has, so don't lie to me!"

And then I'm breaking, emotions floating out of my open wounds I tried to keep closed up for a long time. I have never been like they wanted me to be and even there have been a lot of signs they never wanted to see it. They never accepted the thought of their sweet girl never falling in love with a boy, not being as perfect as their son. Not being 'normal'.

But what is normal? What is right and what is wrong? No one can answer those questions. No one can tell me that I'm disgusting. No one can tell me what to do, what to follow, who to love. And even I know it's hard for them to understand I just wished they would.

"I'm not like everyone…" I whisper hardly audible while I'm not able to look him into the eyes.

"What?" he asks loudly, standing there like I always knew him: a tall walking man, filled with pride. But now it's me who should walk tall and so I look him directly in the eyes, speaking the same words again.

"I'm… not… like… EVERYONE!"

I say out loud, leaving him speechless for a few minutes. He is not used to me, being honest. He is not used to me speaking up. But it's still the only thing I have to say, the only thing I want him finally to realize and not to make a false accusation. It's a rare moment in which my head is burning and my whole body is trembling and just a few seconds later I'm my old self again, looking to the ground.

"I was at Arizona's the whole time. That's the truth. Believe it or not. I don't care."

I say, but what I mean is: I wish you would believe me. I wish you would realize and I do care.

I wait a few seconds. I wait for him to say sorry, but he is not the kind of man who is giving in and so I spin around, say "Goodnight." before I'm running into my room and throw myself onto my bed.

It's really not easy to grow up and it's absolutely not easy to fall in love.

And the night is filled with her smile.

And I'm sleepless, because of her.

Because of love.

Sometimes days are not going like you wished they would. They are strange and you feel like a dark cloud is hovering over your head, moving with you, never leaving your side.

On some days you are standing up and you realize it would be better to stay in bed and hide your face from anyone until another day is starting. But though you stand up, because you feel responsible. Because you have responsibilities and duties. So you do it. You stand up with your heart or your head aching, but you regret it as soon as you step out of your house into the jungle.

And the jungle I'm now walking in is high school.

Our high school jungle in which I walk, not tall anymore, today I'm bent. I still can't forget the conversation with my dad, I can't concentrate and I got myself in trouble during English class what never really happens and on the top of everything I see her, usually happy about it, but now unfortunately unhappy when she seems unfortunately happy.

Beautiful soft curls being touched by brown and strong hands, but not my hands. Instead he is standing there, laughing while she seems silent. Their friends are building a circle, talking, making jokes, looking like the upper nobility. And there's me, the normal citizen, for them, more like a dregs, watching her, aching for her lips to touch mine again. Just a brief moment like yesterday… But she isn't seeing me, she isn't…

"Hey Callie!! Callie!" When I hear the voice of my best friend I find the strength to finally look away and walk into the opposite direction, looking into Anna's hopeful eyes. I know her just for a few weeks; just a few months ago I met her when she attended school and she sat beside me weaving and smiling my way. The first time I saw her I knew we were meant to be best friends, and here she, knowing more about me than anyone else, but still not knowing my deepest secret.

"Hey Anna." I reply sending her a soft smile, and I don't need to say something else to make her start rambling about simply everything. It's something that makes me smile, something I started to love, and something that just got worse when she is drunk. It's kind of adorable.

"God! You won't believe me what happened yesterday! First of all I tried to reach you to let you know what was going on, but couldn't reach you and so I'm able to tell you know, but not earlier, you know? You are the first I'm going to tell it!"

"Hey, Ann. Slow down! Take a breath and then – tell me." I say laughing out loud. Yeah, that's how I know her.

"Okay – well… you know Jake, don't you? Yes, of course you do! Well, I was talking about him the last few weeks, of course you know him! Well, okay… yesterday evening we were out together! We got to this nice dancing club, the new one, you know? Well… then after we danced for what felt like hours he asked me if he should bring me home or if I've got some time left. I told him I have school tomorrow, what is today to be exactly, but I said 'Jake, I've got as long as you want to hang out with me' and he was like one of those handsome guys in the movies and said in a low voice 'Forever. That's how long I want to hang out with you'… okay… to be honest he said:' I have an hour left', but I knew what he wanted to say! And then we drove to lover's lake and you know what you are doing at lover's lake, don't ya?"

"Yeah I know clearly, Ann." I reply smiling right before she continues.

"And you know what we did? We kissed, Callie! He actually kissed me!" Now there's the point where she's grabbing my hands and we are usually jumping around like teenagers… Well, we are still teenagers, but with my heart aching and bleeding like that I feel like an old soul. Man… my heart is singing THE hopeless love blues. I'm an old and broken soul! But I try to find my strength to show her how happy I truly am; even it's difficult to be right now.

"That's cool! I'm happy for you!" I say, taking the expression on her face in, wishing I could be the one, smiling and being high because of love. And then she's asking, taking the knife and pulling it in further more.

"How was your day? Where have you been the whole day?" She asks, friendly, but I don't want to answer her. Usually I would. But I can't find the strength to answer her now.

"Nothing important was going on… I've been here and there…"

Talking 'bout best friends… they always know when you are lying.

"Callie? What's wrong with you?" She asks and even I know she really cares I'm not ready to reply. So I simply answer: "Everything's alright!"

"Hey! Don't lie to me I know you good enough to say it's not perfectly alright! You know you can talk to me, right? So please, just…"

"God Anna! Just leave it, okay? I'm okay! Don't ask me all the time what's wrong! I'm fine!" I hiss more aggressive than I wanted it to sound, but like I said: You should better stay in bed when you have a bad feeling. I shouldn't have gone to school today and I shouldn't have been so miserable and letting her pay for something I felt, for something I did wrong. But there she is, saying: "Okay, I'm sorry for asking how my best friend is. Call me first when you are normal again." And then she's gone and I'm on my own, hating myself for taking it out on her when she is the only one I need right now to talk to…

"I'm sorry, I just… you know… I'm going to call you…"

She tries to smile for me.

"I know…" She replies, still smiling and nodding understandingly.

A really remarkable person once told me that Friendship and Love is Forgiveness and Understanding. And with that she has been right all the time.

Everybody needs a place to go when everything is too much. We search desperately for a place where our head isn't spinning anymore and you are able to think clearly again.

You need to compose your thoughts and try to find a way back into your life. That's what I'm doing every time I'm sitting under green leaves, flying like beautiful birds because of the soft summer wind, swinging bidirectional and whenever I'm watching trough the leaves, the sun reflecting in my eyes it's the only time I feel calm full and able to think about everything what's going on. I've finally got some spare time in a place where it's hard to be who you are all the time, in which I'm still seeing her face in front of my eyes. How it's possible to be captured by someone you just know a few days?

I never believed someone could turn my world upside down like Arizona. But she truly was all I could see, and all I could think about. Now I just wished she would recognize me.

"Calliope!" Immediately I look down, searching for the person who called me by my name.

"Arizona?" I ask, more than I say, because I'm surprised what she is doing here.

"You mind if I sit down?" She asks while she is sending me her wide smile.

"Of course not!"

"Thanks…" And with that she sits down by my side, her legs just a centimetre away from me and all I can think about is…

"Everything's alright?" She's frowning, her eyes never leaving mine and I wonder if she saw how I checked her out. Oh gosh is this embarrassing…

"Kind of…" I answer simply, hoping she wouldn't ask what's wrong with me, but I also hope she would ask. I wish she would care.

"Kind of?" She smiles softly like she understands everything, like I can talk to her, no matter what's going on in my life and honestly I never felt that good. And because of that I want to answer her, as honestly as I can, but as soon as I'm opening my mouth we are interrupted before we could even start a real conversation.

"Arizona?" We are both looking up at the same time and both of us don't seem to be too happy about the person who called out for her. Brittany, queen of the cheerleaders.

"Brittany." She replies, trying to smile friendly, but I am looking underneath and what I see is discomfort. Because of me or because of her?

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm talking to Calliope."

"I see… shouldn't you be hanging out with Steve?" She says fitted, like her nose, but I know what she wants to ask: What are you doing with her? Shouldn't you be with the other, the cool girls?

But Arizona isn't doing a move, instead she says:" I'm exactly where I want and should be."

And even I know I shouldn't feel the butterflies dancing around, celebrating her company, I shouldn't lay it up like I do. She isn't feeling the same… She is just… friendly…

"Okkayy…" Suspiciously she looks around, before she's leaving again.

And then we are left, but not very long, because someone else is calling out for her and I feel like I'm now enjoying a very seldom privilege for losers like me. But then she says something I never expected.

"I have to go now, but… Calliope… what I wanted to say is… I really enjoyed the last time we spent together. Thanks a lot for helping me. If you want we could spent the evening today? I'm free and I'd love to hang around in the city. You like to spend some time with me?"

And that's when my heart is pounding heavily in my chest.

Oh yeah, I really _gotta feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night._


	7. Just one night

**Authors Note: **Oh man… it feels so good to write again and I hope it feels good for you too! Here is the new Chapter "Just one night" describing their first 'Date'. I hope you like it and reviews are really appreciated, they are my muse and I loved your latest! Thank you so much for that!

-Sun

**Chapter 7 – Just one night**

How do you imagine a perfect American first date?

A 'meeting', with a girl, you don't even know how to label?

Is it a date or just a friendship thing? I wish I'd know. But it's still the same for me. I can spend one whole evening with her and no one is interrupting us, no one is spying and wondering why a beautiful girl like her is spending time with me.

I couldn't be more nervous. I couldn't be more pleased and so I just call out for my parents, I weave and tell them I'm going to be home as soon as possible.

And when the fresh summer wind is gracing my skin I'm closing my eyes just for a moment while I'm walking down the street and I think about how much the last days changed my life.

Maybe it means nothing to her, but to me it means everything.

Love isn't nothing. Love is everything and even it hurts a little bit right now, because she isn't mine and maybe she is never going to be at all, all I can think of is how she lightened my life, without knowing it at all.

I'm walking to her house for over 20 minutes and when I'm standing there in front of her front door my whole body is trembling slightly with anticipation and I nee to compose myself before I'm touching the door bell, listening to the soft sound it creates inside the house, how it creates noises and starts whispers. And when the door finally opens I see a vision of myself in her eyes, so clearly and honestly.

Is it anticipation or is it affection? Or is it just what I want to see?

"Hey…" She breathes out in a whisper.

"Hay…" I reply, smiling slightly, melting underneath.

This kind of affection is almost killing me. How beautiful she looks in a simple shirt and short black jeans, caressing her slender body perfectly. She stands there, hopefully, like she waited just for me. Like she waited all her life for me to finally appear and take her out, take her into another world. And finally I'm there, grinning like a fool, waiting for her to close the door behind her. Close the door to her old life and instead coming with me.

And even I know it's going to be just one single night.

Even I know she's my Cinderella for this single night.

And even I know this will be the only night I have with her, before she's turning away from me, and heading back into his direction, into her old life again, I'm never going to forget how she's smiling my way right now.

"Ready to go?" I ask and she's nodding shyly before she's closing the door behind her, before she is mine, just for this night.

Full moon is exactly 3 days in a month and it has so many meanings:

In science full moon is just a lunar phase that occurs when the moon is on the opposite side of the earth. A lot of people are not able to sleep when it's full moon, staying sleepless for 3 nights. The Teutons started their gatherings during the full moon period and a lot of magical rituals had to be done around those three days. Parents also like to tell stories about witches and werewolves who are active around the full moon period.

But for me it always had something magical and I ask myself if it's fate, if it's fate that full moon is tonight too, on this special night. Looking up into the beautiful darkening sky you can't overlook it.

And for me, the full moon is just a sign of attraction, tonight.

It's a sign for not shown feeling. It's a sign for my growing love.

"Calliope! Look! It's full moon tonight!" Arizona says with such a wave of enthusiasm I believe she has never seen something simple like that in her entire life. But that is something I like about her, something that makes her special, different from all the others.

When I look at her intentionally it is the sparkle in her eyes I miss in everyone else's eyes. And when I look at her I feel love rushing through every vein of my body and I believe it'd never be the same, with no one.

"Isn't it incredible? Every time I look up I'm… speechless… how wonderful the world is, you know?!"

I nod smiling. Of course I know. Of course I know how beautiful the world, how beautiful someone can be.

"You will be able to see it the whole night."I replie, still smiling.

"Why?" She giggles lovingly. "You still haven't told me what we were going to do? What have you planned Calliope Torres?" She asks while an alluring smile is gracing her pink lips.

"It's going to be my secret. You will see when we are there!" I answer and make her giggle even more, but just 10 minutes later I say: "We are there!" and she laughs even more. "A typical American date, huh?"

I look up when those words leaves her mouth, knowing she doesn't mean it the way I want her to mean it. But still it's said, filling my heart with passion and affection for the blond haired girl.

"Come on, Arizona. The movie is starting soon." I say to deflect her and her eyes are glancing, and I'm noticing more than pleasant anticipation for the movie in her eyes, but I can't tell what it is. I guess I'm just pleased she is smiling my way.

And yes, today full moon is different.

For me it will be a sign for something you can't have even you'd die for it.

I'd die for her.

I'm not really interested in the movie, what is really unlikely for me, but though I'm really good in pretending. And what else should I do than looking at the big screen in front of me?

All I can do is waiting what is happening next.

All I can think about is the slight touch of our hands or our shoulders and arms.

When our fingers suddenly touch while we are grabbing for popcorn I can't resist looking into her eyes and the movie is long forgotten.

All I want to say is:" I'm crazy for you…"

All I am saying instead is:" Is the chair comfortable?"

She isn't replying and I have the feeling I said something wrong, but then she looks away to rest her head on my shoulder and whispers smiling:" Now it's comfortable."

„What are we doing now? Where are you taking me, Calliope?" She asks, the giant and typical Arizona smile always grazing her face, the whole evening.

"Haven't you ever heard of surprises?"

"I hate surprises!" Her mouth says while her eyes clearly say something different.

"You love surprises! You and I know and the whole world knows! A person like you couldn't hate surprises!"

"A person like me?" She asks and I'm nearly answering: "A kind, caring and beautiful person like you. Someone who is as adorable and awesome like you can't hate surprises." But it was too late when she saw where I was taking her. Her mouth hangs open and she starts to laugh.

"You are a romantic, Calliope!" She blurts out while she was taking off her shoes and taking my hand into hers. "You know, when I was younger I spent here a lot time, but then my friends came and Steve, they didn't need the beach and ocean because they had swimming pools and oh god – how I've missed this! It's beautiful, Calliope, Isn't it?" She rambles, adorable like always and I answer while I'm looking in her direction: "Yeah it is…"

"You know what I missed about here?" She asked me while we both were sitting in front of the ocean, watching the waves jumping up and down and then staying calm and peaceful within seconds. "I missed the sound of the ocean – closing your eyes, you are finally drifting away. It's an amazing feeling."

"But why did you never come back after you got a part of them if you love it so much?"

Then suddenly her soft smile changed into something unreadable, mystic.

"Things changes… time changes everything…" She says with a tone in her voice I can't ignore. I want to ask her what's going on, how she truly feels. I want to know everything but most of all I want her to be happy, but she doesn't seem to be happy at all.

"And you? Were you coming here often?"

"All the time… it's my favourite place and because of that I wanted to show it to you, even I already guessed you saw this place before. I just wanted to make new memories you." I say honestly. Honestly for the first time, but at the same time I regret what I said just a few seconds ago and so I start to talk, talk and talk without an ending.

"I'm sorry, that has to sound really corny. Usually I'm not like that, it's just that I… you know. I'm really sorry about that, I hoped I didn't…" Her finger on my lips is the only thing that stops me from talking and all I can look is at her slightly smiling lips.

"It's absolutely okay, super okay, Calliope. I know what you mean."

And then we sit in silence, just for a few minutes. Minutes which feel like horrible hours.

But then she finally says something that starts something new, something exiting.

"Calliope?"

"Yeah?"

"You know what I would like to do?"

My heart starts to beat faster and while I'm looking at her lips I can't think about something else than finally being able to touch her lips again. My heart radiates…

"I want to swim…"

… and slows down again.

"What?? What do you want to do??"

"Come on, Calliope! It's beautiful!" She already stands up, just waiting for me.

"But… but we've nothing here for swimming…?" I ask confused, but she doesn't really seem to care.

"No problem and now come on or I'm going in there on my own!" She is calling as she lifts the simple black top over her head and jumps out of her black jeans, letting both of it falling to the sand, waiting almost naked in front of me in her black underwear.

I shouldn't, but I gaze.

I couldn't. But I look away. God… she is _so_ beautiful…

"I will go in there now. Are you coming?" She says, waiting for me to take her hand and stand up. And finally I was managing to stand up; holding her hand firmly in mine and all I want to do is touching her hand firmly. She is just so beautiful…

Her skin so creamy, her blond curls caressing her chin and her lips so full and pink, and her figure so slender and perfect.

But all I am doing is getting the purple shirt over my head and my blue trousers out, following her into the water. Following Arizona, who smiled like a child on Christmas.

But instead of Arizona, who was standing with the water right over her breasts I couldn't take another step and I was freezing with the water only reaching my knees.

"Hey, Calliope? What's wrong?!"

"I… I can't…"

"Why???" I could say: I can't really swim… but instead I answered:" It's freaking cold…"

First she laughs heartily, until she is smiling again, insightfully, giving me the feeling I'm not acting as childish as I think I do.

"Don't worry. Just come nearer to me Calliope. You get used to it." But with her coming near me it don't really help to stop shaking.

"You have to get restful, wind down, Calliope. Come on… close your eyes…"

I don't want to look away. I want to… I want to look at her forever… I want to look at her as long as I can, before this evening stop, but I am doing it though, waiting what would come next. And there it is: her hands on my hips

"You need to calm down. Don't think about how cold the water is, think about something else. Think about how different it is to be touched under water. It's an amazing feeling, isn't it?" Arizona asks while skimming over my abdomen and saying I'm shivering would be a real understandment. But I only nod with my head, scared I'd gasp pleasured with opening my mouth when I feel her hands crawling softly over my belly, almost placing her hand over my breast, then reaching for my shoulder, stroking my neck so soft and full of tenderness going down my wet body again. And I… I was scared of opening my eyes again and realizing it has been just a dream of mine.

But then I hear her voice and then I know it is reality.

"See, its working. You are not freezing like before." Arizona blurts out loud and when I'm opening my eyes again I can hardly breathe anymore, because of her beauty, standing there, the moon light grazing her white skin.

Minutes passes in which we are both not saying anything. We are just looking into each others eyes, waiting what the other will do, and then she finally manages to ask: "What are you thinking about?"

I know I'd explode without loving the girl in front of me.

But I'd also explode by giving myself away and risking getting badly hurt, more than I'm now and instead of "I want to kiss you." I say: "I thought about diving your head under water…"

"What?" She can only say before I'm exactly diving her head under water and waiting before she's in front of me again, spiting water, breathing heavily and just a brief moment I think she could be mad at me, but there's her smile again, before she's whispering.

"You know what's coming now, Calliope? Payback is a bitch, isn't it??"

The next thing I know is that salty water is entering my mouth.

Her laugh is filling the air and tears are floating down her cheeks. She laughs hard, as much as I do, and we are both not able to stop. We are both not able to not touch each other in any way. Her hand still lies on top of mine while she is laughing and smiling my way.

"Oh god! That's a damn funny story!" She blurts out and we are still laughing, until it finally comes to an end and we are sitting there in silence.

I don't know how long we stayed there, but it felt like an eternity to me and the more time I spent with her, the more I am falling deeply and madly in love.

But it's just one night… one single night I have with her. One night I'm never going to forget though.

And then… one single sentence changes everything.

"You are something special, you know?" She says giggling. "Honestly if I wouldn't have a boyfriend and if I wouldn't be straight… I could fall in love with you, Calliope…"

And then… one single tear, which she is never going to see, is rolling down my cheek. Reflecting the shine of the moonlight.

"I could fall in love with you, too…"

1 hour it took for me to bring her home.

1 hour it took me to find the strength to call Anna and tell her that I needed her more now than ever before. And when I finally heard her voice I was on the verge of tears.

"Hello?" I heard her crocked sounding voice.

"Anna… it's me… Callie… Do you… Do you have time for me?"

"I was just reading Eragon. What's up, Callie?" I couldn't answer, all I needed was seeing her, telling her everything what was pressuring me the last days, the last weeks, the last months. Finally I need to tell her everything about me.

"I… Can I come over, please?"

A worried "Yes… of course" escaped her lips and there I am, walking to her house, where I've been a lot the last few weeks and where I'm climbing up the tree to reach her window, again. And Anna already waits for me, opening the window as soon as possible.

"You know you could use the door like everyone else." She replies smiling. A smile I needed to see again. The smile of a true friend.

"I know… but that's just who I am. Not normal, completely crazy, dark and twisty. And I love to climb up that tree and get into your room through the door. That's more exciting! Sneaky!" I reply laughing.

And when I'm in her room, sitting on the bed with her I start to realize, you always should be honest with your friends, because they are the most important gift in your life.

Because no matter what is happening they are going to accept you for who you are. It's another kind of love, but it's as important as true love…

"I need to tell you something, Anna."

I start simply, and the whole night is filled with my voice and her embrace, showing me what friendship really means:

Love, Forgiveness, Understanding and Acceptance.

And when I'm walking home at 1 am in the middle of the night, knowing my dad would scream at me for being that late I couldn't care less, because I'm in love…

_I'm in love._


	8. Star Matter

**Authors Note:** All of you hopefully know how much I loved to fix this, but that wouldn't be real life and I guess you know me to well to see that I've already planned a way how this is going, but true love always survives, huh? Don't be mad at Arizona, but coming out to herself is very hard after she lived a life of a straight girl. She might know it, but it's hard for her to accept it and realize that her love for Calliope is real. So please be patient with me. You know I'm someone who loves people and of course I'm going to fix this, cause love is alive. It is =)

This Chapter is kind of short. I'm sorry for that, but I wanted to continue before I'm going away for a few days and so I decided to write it now ;-)

The song is "Star Matter" sung by the super awesome Ani DiFranco!

Enjoy this.

-Sun

**Chapter ****8 - Star Matter**

_(15 years in the future – Calliope's pov)_

Sometimes there are days on which you are not able to live in the present or able to look into the future.

On some days you are taking a step backwards, you have the heart to finally bend your head and look back.

On some days you are turning around completely and you take a journey into your past, where you never stopped living in and you see things you adore to see.

And when I think about this night I know it was the start of something big, of something great… something _super _great.

And whenever I think about it I want to go back and be a part of this night again, because it simply changed everything.

And when I'm now sitting in my favourite bar, drowning my favourite drink I only smile when I think about my past and how she looked, how she smiled and how she tasted and smelled.

And I realize that I only think about her. It's always her.

* * *

_(15 years earlier – Calliope's pov)_

_**love gets started**_

_**next thing you know**_

_**it leaves everything else behind**_

2 weeks passed by in which we didn't see each other.

2 weeks in which she called me almost each night to be able to talk to me.

I don't know how she was able to make me fall in love with her even more, but listening to her voice, hearing her laughter I know I wanted to hear it, forever. I know with 18 years you can't talk about forever, because you don't know what's going to be tomorrow, but sometimes you just know, don't you? You just know when it feels right and pure. And this feels better than anything before.

But 2 weeks not being able to talk to her face to face was strange and it made me feel like I missed her more than I missed anyone before. Strangely… but absolutely amazing in an amorousness way.

In those 2 weeks we couldn't see each other, because our musical was taking all of our spare time. We had extra practice and I spent more time at school than I was at home and she was also there, but she couldn't be with me when those cheerleaders were occupying her mind completely.

But she offered me a smile here and there, and whenever she was near me I felt her presence lingering, even she was away again.

And after 2 whole weeks the evening were we finally presented our play finally arrived and after this night I could see her again, but I didn't know that this night would change everything.

_**love sets fire to your schedule**_

_**and then calls an end to time**_

The room in which we presented our small musical was filled with an amount of people and it was desert hot, typical for Miami in the middle of July.

But still it was magical; it was our night to present, for what we worked very long and when I wasn't singing or behind the stage I sneaked to where all of our audience sat.

I know if my teacher would find out I'd be dead within seconds, but I couldn't care less. When I saw her on the stage, dancing freely with her blond hair tidy put back and just a few strands falling into her face while she was dancing to the slow music with the others I closed my eyes just a moment and my feet almost moved alone through the crowded room, up the stairs, where she stood, breathing heavily, her eyes fixated concentrated on her next move. And when I moved nearer the time seemed to stop and freeze immediately.

Just she and I mattered in the strong and blinding stage light. She closed her eyes when I stood behind her and moved me hand to her few blond strands to stroke them firmly away.

"I love it when you wear your hair like that… I love to see your neck… you look so beautiful, you know that, right?"

I'm whispering. But only in my own imagination.

But when I'm opening my eyes again I feel her eyes on me, her eyes meeting mine, her lips moving. Calling out my name?

"Callie?"

I spin around, because I hear it clearly, but it's not the dancing beauty, instead it's Anna, standing just a few centimetres behind me, holding the door open where I sneaked secretly in. And I know it's better to leave now, before they find out I sneaked inside to see her and so I leave after a last glance.

* * *

_**love ain't far behind you**_

_**love ain't far behind**_

It's exactly 22 pm when I'm standing at one of the white tables with a beer in my hand, talking to Anna and the other singers who are talking about the popular play and what we could do the next time, and even I'm interested in what they are saying I can't look away from Arizona who are standing just a few metres away from where I stand, holding a glass in her hand with something I don't recognize.

But she's laughing and she's stumbling over her own feet and her stupid boyfriend, yeah freaking stupid boyfriend, needs to catch her every time she's almost falling and I have a bad feeling that she's completely drunk.

But she isn't the kind of girl who uses to drink a lot. She's an alcohol epicure; she loves cocktails with funny names and tasting sweet and fruity. She loves sweet things, but she hates hard liquor. She told me a story about her getting seriously drunk and how she avoids getting drunk lately.

But now she seems so different and he can't keep his hands away from her and I don't know what to think, I don't know how to look away and concentrate on something else.

And I don't look away and ignore what's going on when her voice is suddenly getting louder and she looks terrified. I can't hear what she's saying, but suddenly her stupid boyfriend (did I already said how stupid he is?) finds himself touching his cheek where she hit him just a minute ago. His friends are laughing, but he doesn't seem to start to laugh soon and when he is grabbing out for her I don't care what the others are thinking.

"Excuse me…" I say before I'm rushing to where she's standing, finally hearing what's going on, and it's not good.

_**i was there to hear your bell**_

_**the first time it rang**_

"Leave me alone, Steve! For god's sake!" I never heard her angry like that, but now she seems furious, changing from completely funny to absolutely angry and back to laughing again.

"Hey, babe. Come on… You took it out so long, so please... it's the perfect…"

"What's going on here?" I interrupt them with my whole body shaking. I use to hide myself away from them because I hate those unnecessary comments. I hate how they look at my like I'm a fool. And maybe I'm a fool right now for interrupting something I'm not even playing a small role. I'm completely insignificant.

But still, I'm somehow, I'm a part of her, because as soon as I'm there she says my name relieved.

The rest is looking at me like I'm at the wrong place and I totally am. But I stand there tall; because I have the feeling she needs me.

"Torres, what are you doing here? Fuck off and go back to the other nerds." Steve says and I'd love to throw myself at him and show him what a nerd I am and how Arizona deserves to be treat.

"I'd say fuck yourself Kimberly, because if you are going to touch her like that again I'm going to…" I don't know how those words left my mouth but I guess I'm jumping on the wave of rage.

"You what, huh? Torres? You want what? You want to kill me with your brain, you stupid nerd, huh? That's what you are going to do?" He s coming nearer, pushing me with his strong hands, but I don't bend and I don't pull away, instead I'm really ready to kick his ass until he's far far away.

"You can't do anything, Torres." He says his face just millimetres away from mine and he's hissing the next words just for my ears to hear. "And just because your dirty lesbian mind is occupied by my girlfriend doesn't mean you have the right to come here and intermingle."

My eyes widen unmeant, but I'm shocked and I'm trapped between hiding away into my old world and entering my new world where I'd hit him with my fists into his 'remarkable' face without he would be lost. Here knowledge is unimportant.

"Yeah, Torres. I saw how you looked at her, but bye bye… She's mine and you are not going to destroy this night, because I planned it for an awfully long time and I'm sick of waiting. So little dirty lesbian, fuck off now."

"Don't… treat her as an object… as one of your prices, Kimberly…" I hiss.

"I can do what I want…" And his dirty smile causes all the trouble.

_**and the beauty was**_

_**the beauty of everything**_

_**we are star matter**_

_**from the big bang**_

My fist collides with his nose.

I actually closed the door to my old world and instead headed the other way. All I hear is loud laughter which interrupts right after his knees bend and blood is dripping out of his nose. And I'm gone right after Arizona pulls me away, before his warnings become reality.

Yeah this night changed everything…

* * *

We stumble into the gym, totally high.

I am, because, well, I just hit the head of the football time and maybe broke his nose.

I am, because she's holding my hand tightly.

She is totally high, because, man, she is drunk like my grandma on Christmas after 3 bottles of wine, emptied within 2 hours by her own.

And we almost fall over our own feet, because we are laughing heavily.

"I should be mad at you, because you just hit my boyfriend very hard. God, Calliope! You broke his nose!" She laughs hysterically like it is the funniest thing in the world. "But somehow you saved me and for that I'm very thankful! Thank you Calliope!"

I know maybe he hates me even more and I have to be very careful from now on wherever I'm going here in school, because payback is waiting somewhere, somehow, just for me.

She's still laughing furiously, my hand still holding, until she's standing still, looking me into the eyes intentionally. "Thank you very much, Calliope…"

_**love ain't far behind you**_

_**love ain't far behind**_

"You… You like to dance?" I answer, without knowing why I even ask her, but I don't want to loose the grip of her hand. I don't want to loose the near of her.

"Wha.. What do you want to dance?" She asks me while our eyes are never leaving each others, standing right in front of each other.

"Salsa…" I reply, because I know what it can do to people… Salsa is… love… it's passion and affection… It's magical, how I feel for her.

"But I don't know how to…" She rambles, but my finger on her lips is stopping her.

"I'm going to teach you… now… lay your hand on my shoulder while I'm putting my arm under your shoulder blade… and our hands are touching this way… exactly… and look… we are going 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7… you are start going forward with your right foot and I'm starting back with the left foot. So we are going 1 2 3 pause on 4 and then step back 5 6 7 pause on 8 and then it's starting again! Yeah, perfect! That is the basic step…"

I explain to her and our body is moving, and she is doing everything I tell her to do, her eyes never leaving the floor.

"Hey Ari… look up, you are able to do it without looking down… just look into my eyes…"

And she looks up, right into my eyes where the dark desert, where I was lost a long time, meets ocean blue.

She's like water to me, necessary, and that's what I realize when I'm now standing here, dancing with her slowly in an almost completely dark gym where only the moonlight is spending us light. When I stand there, where our breathe finally became one I want to kiss her badly.

"Calliope…" She breathes out and I know this is the right moment, when I'm pulling her near me and our lips are almost touching, almost touching… finally…

"OUCH!" She laughs hysterically as we are both falling to the ground. Well, we should have stopped dancing, I should have let her still looking to the floor, because dancing with a drunken girl isn't that easy.

But while we lie on the cold floor of the gym the air is radiating and we are both remaining silent, only our breathe is heard and a soft song, filling the midnight air softly.

She stopped laughing a few minutes ago when our eyes met again and everything around us didn't matter anymore. To none of us. Nothing could tear us apart as our hands are touching firmly, playing a soft game, her hands feeling so softly, gracefully touching mine like she has never done something else. And I don't know where to look, at our hands, into her eyes or at her soft shimmering lips.

"What are you thinking about?" She finally whispers like 2 weeks ago when we were standing in the water.

2 weeks ago I wouldn't have been able to tell her what I want and what she meant to me, but now I am, with my heart pounding heavily.

"I… I want to kiss you…"

I say out, almost whispering and when I look her into the eyes I know that I'd explode without loving her.

I'm not able to say something else, her eyes filled with desire, her face unreadable. I just wait desperately for her to say something. Anything.

"Then… why… don't you do it? Please, Calliope… just kiss me…" She whispered finally, almost not audible.

5 words, forcing me to forget all my fears, forcing me to raise my hand and stroke Arizona's neck softly, before pulling her nearer.

And when our lips first met the butterflies began to fly, thanking Aphrodite for release. And they were dancing, surrounding us whole time our kiss lasted and it looked like we would never stop again.

Even it was a soft kiss, our lips pressed together at first to experience each other slowly, it was full of tenderness.

We never parted; we even stopped breathing, not wanting to stop kissing after we were able to give in. After I was finally able to act on my desires and being sure she wanted it as much as I wanted it. I dreamed of it, I asked myself how it would feel. But I never imagine it being as perfect like it is with her really laying in my arms and kissing me back.

And even I am scared of doing to much; I want to feel more of her, and I am suddenly opening my mouth to taste her.

And we first parted when air became a problem, but we never stopped touching each other and so her finger found the way to my face, stroking over it, taking each and every part in, before she touched my lips willingly.

_**when we're parted**_

_**it's always too long**_

_**and every time you come back**_

_**you come back so strong**_

_**and as soon as we can **_

_**we gotta go lie down**_

_**in that place **_

_**where our breath is one sound**_

"Your lips are so soft…" She whispers slowly, losing herself while she's looking at me, like I'm loosing myself by touching her.

And then… again… I'm leaning forward to reveal her how I'm feeling for her.

It's just a kiss, but this kiss tells more than thousand words could ever say.

It says loud and clearly in the most sensual way: _**Be mine.**_

_**and love ain't far behind you**_

_**love ain't far behind**_


	9. Happy ever after

**Authors Note: **So after my short trip I'm back, writing!!! And you know**, **you're making me a very happy girl! Thank you very much for your comment. I guess you know how much they mean to me! And even you might hate me for the Chapter and maybe you even hate Arizona, I guess I have to write it. Just trust me and trust our girls. I hope you enjoy this and you know, I'm looking forward to your reviews. They mean a lot to me!

All my best wishes,

Sun

**Chapter 9**** – Happy ever after**

We are blessed with a birth and a death, and in – between we are blessed with fairytales.

When we grow up we watch Disney movies and we even dress up like them. I, for example, always dressed up like Snow White and I loved it.

When we are younger our parents got books of fairytales and right before we were drifting of to sleep they adducted us into another world, and secretly everyone loves fairytales, even when they are grown up. In our hectic, stressful and often lifeless world in which we almost don't know what life and love really means we clung onto this stories. Secretly we think about them each and every single day.

And you know why we do it?

We do it, because in fairytales there's always a happily ever after! Despite the ugly and bad step – mothers, poisoned apples, witches, monstrosities and wolves; despite lies, swindling, hate and jealousy. Despite of all the bad things, the good and pure always win. There's always hope, and hope eventually leads to a happy end.

And so we wait all of our lives for our own happy ending, and we hope that someday, that maybe soon at the end of our own book, called life, there will be standing:

_And they lived happily ever after._

* * *

_(Calliopes pov)_

I don't know what happened to my life. I don't know how one night made my dreams come true. Sometimes you can't believe that life is actually not kicking your ass. Last night changed everything and finally made me believe that love is sometimes nearer than you think.

I couldn't sleep, because all I was seeing in front of my eyes were her face. I was touching my still trembling lips, thinking how she touched me, how she whispered my name in the softest and alluring way. She made me squirm under her touch, she made me tremble. She made my head spin and she took my breath away, until all I did was whispering and moaning her name.

Yes, last night changed everything, but I didn't know how it would leave me back. I never thought how this would go out. All I could think about were us, how we could be, how awesome we would be.

And when I was standing up to go into school to help to clean up after last evening, I just hoped I would see her, talk to her and secretly I wished I could kiss her again.

I entered the hall where everyone was, where I hoped she would be but when I first saw her, when our eyes connected she suddenly looked away, shyly, immediately, intentionally like it was a sin to look at me, but I tried to not care. I tried to compose myself before I walked up to her.

And when I'm there I simply say "Hello…" and she's replying, without looking at me, that's when I start to worry. But still I try to smile and so I ask:" You need help?"

She's silent, blinking and I guess, I hope it's just her headache, her hangover which is making her untouchable and cold and even she says "Not really, thanks." I still hope and I keep standing there, following her when she's standing up and walking away with two buckets in her hands, filled with things that are needed to be cleaned up.

"Come on, Arizona. If I help you it's going faster and we are finished quicker. So please. Don't be stubborn and let me help you…" The first half hearted smile she's giving me while she's heading to the bathroom, handing me one of the buckets, but she's still not talking, standing beside me while we are cleaning up the coloured brushes. She's still not saying what's wrong, what suddenly changed.

And when I'm about to open my mouth, she suddenly says something that makes me crumble.

"I remember our kiss…" She says dryly. Still not looking up.

"What?"

"I… I remember that we kissed last night…. But it shouldn't have happened…" Her voice is shaking, trembling like my heart… Something that means so much to me is something she is regretting.

Was it all a game? Was it just because she was drunk, not knowing what she did?

"I'm… sorry… I'm really sorry, A" Was all I could say, before she was rambling on.

"We are girls and I… I have a boyfriend… and he… he called today and he said he is sorry... and I… this is not going to happen again…"

And with that I'm crumbling even more. How could I believe we could be something? How could I believe she wanted and enjoyed it as much as I did?

"it's okay… Arizona… I'm sorry…"

"He is a nice guy… somehow… and I… I don't do the cheating… I never cheat and what we did wasn't right…" She rambles without stopping one moment and I start to get angry. I am hurt enough, why couldn't she let it go? It hurts enough…

"Who do you want to proof something? Ari, it's okay! I understand, okay? Slow down a moment. It's me you are talking to… I'm not a danger…"

"Yes… yes… you are…" She says confessing, almost whispering, almost shouting, now looking me straight into the eyes and my heart is bursting apart.

"You are dangerous to me… you are… but… we aren't good… the people would talk… and the talk wouldn't be good…"

I can't believe what she's saying. I can't believe that she's forgetting, not thinking what was between us, after our first kiss. I can't believe she's ignoring the fact… that we… that we could be perfect…

"Maybe it would be good…" I say, but she's not listening. She's silent, looking me into the eyes, before she's replying after a long pause:

"We shouldn't see each other again…"

And then she's the one who makes my heart dropping, freezing instead of heating it up.

"What? That's… that's hardly realizable, Arizona… we are going to the same school and… and we are working here together for our next production… Just… slow down… Everything's alright… Nothing happened…" It hurts me to say it, but _I can't loose her_.

"Nothing is alright!!! I care about him… I care for him…. Somehow… I… and I don't cheat."

_I can't stay away from her._

"Ari…" I whisper when I'm walking up to her, until I'm standing right in front of her, taking her wrist.

_I can't let her go._

"don't touch me… DON'T touch me!!" She first whispers, before she says it out loud, making my heart crumble until almost nothing is left there. And so I look a last time into her blue, deviated, devastated and confused ocean. And so I almost start to cry my heart out, leaving the badass girl I'm usually am behind when I'm starting to turn walk away from her, walking out of the door.

But suddenly I feel her hand around my wrist, holding me back and I don't what do to, I don't know what's suddenly happening when she's murmuring words I'm never going to forget. Words which are heating the air up immediately.

"Please… touch me…" I turn around and I look into her burning eyes, her desperate and longing eyes. And I don't think, I don't wait. She can't get enough of me, like I can't get enough of her, even she tells herself the same thing over and over again. Her body and her eyes are saying something different than her mouth.

I just want to feel her all over me. I just want to feel her and touch her. I just want to taste her again. I want her so much… so much…

And so I shove her into the wall, my lips immediately founding its way to hers, parting her mouth, our tongues starting a sensual game. The atmosphere is heating up, like our bodies it's on fire and I can't breathe because of her.

She's taking everything away from me. My breathe, my sanity, my life and all she's giving me is insanity, a new life, a fire which is burning deep inside, sending electrifying flies through my whole body.

It is passion. Every touch and every whisper, every moan and every whimper is filled with passion and unbearable lust. The kiss is hungry and our hands are roaming over each others body. And I push myself into her as I'm leaving a wet line from her lips to her exposed neck, kissing a point I already found last night. A point that made her moan and makes her moan again.

"touch me more… please… oh good god… Calliope…" she whispers my name seductively and we end up grinding into each other slightly. We both want more, our kisses starting to get hungry each second that passes and we can't stop. No, we can't…

"Arizona? Are you in there?"

…stop.

As soon as a male voice reached our ears we are stopping immediately. She's shocked, because she knows she has to leave this world, a world where I'm her lover, again and get back into reality.

Life is haunting her, like reality is hunting me madly. And this is the end of us.

She is the one who is tearing us apart, touching her lips like she sinned once more and I wish she wouldn't just leave. I wish she would say something else, giving me the feeling that there's a chance for us, but there isn't, when she's running away from me as far as she can, I'm sitting there, crumbled and crying in a dirty bathroom.

I want to forget her, before it's breaking me completely, but I can't. Because… when I close my eyes I'm seeing last night right in front of my eyes, haunting me and leaving me back devastated.

"_Shhhhh, Ari… you have to be quiet! You're gonna wake them up!" _

_I say, laughing as hard as she do, while I'm helping here up the stairs. Fortunately I already know where her room is, because she is too drunk to tell me anything except of funny stories and how funny the door look like or the stairs or everything. I never thought that everything could be happy like that, but she's laughing, all the time and her hands are never leaving my body. Always touching me, somehow, anyhow, everywhere. _

_And when we are finally reaching her room she immediately stumbles onto her bed, where she lays, still laughing like I just told her the funniest joke in the world, and she doesn'__t seem to stop and laughing makes it hard for her to undress herself and wear something more comfortable to sleep. And while I'm not trying to peek she suddenly calls out for me._

"_Calliope…"_

"_Huh?" I ask, coughing as I see her on top of the bed, struggling with her shirt. I can see a part of her bare belly and I, immediately, want to touch her there._

"_Could you help me get out of this?"_

_Okay… I never imagined undressing the girl I find miraculous stunning while she's drunk._

_But though __I walk up to her, coming close, but not close enough to help her actually out and to be honest my badasss image is gone. _

_Somewhere else, laughing hysterical because of watching me. I'm shy, maybe red as a tomato. Thank god that at night it's dark and he was only creating small stars in the sky and not big fat neon sign which could lighten up a room like hers, cause that's not what I need right now. Right now I just need to hide my nervousness. _

She's just so beautiful…

"_Everything's alright??" She asks innocently, biting her lips and I feel like she ab-solut-ely knows what she is doing to me right now. _

"_Of course…" I reply, clearing my throat before I'm kneeling down on her oversized bed where she lays, still struggling with her clothes. _

_And it starts with shaking hands when I pull the shirt over her head and it continues with longing glances and barely touches. _

_She lies there only wearing her black bra and she's waiting for me to do something and even I know it might be not the perfect time, my hands are working without the permission of my head, but with the powerful and undeniable permission of my heart._

_It starts with a soft stroke of my hands on her belly and it leads to hands wandering further more. _

_It leads to my hand softly squeezing her breasts through the fabric of her bra. _

_It leads to Arizona closing her eyes, whispering my name._

_It leads to a kiss which is eventually leading to myself, positioning beneath her legs, her arms around my upper body, and my hands tangled in her blond wavy curls. _

_It leads to something I never experienced, not like this._

_It leads to pure and kind affection._

_It leads to laying half naked on the top of the girl I was falling for at the first sight, kissing her pulse point, finding her sensitive spot._

_All of that happened in a night I almost called our night, until alcohol lead to distracting her mind and her stomach…_

_She stumbled out of the bed to her buck in which she puked heavily._

_But when she thought I'd go, because I don't want to see that, because it's kind of disgusting I stayed. I walked up to her and pulled blond curls out of her face, behind her earlobe. I looked in her still beautiful but exhausting looking face, before I pulled her into my arms and helped her into the bed. _

_And when she thought I'd go, because I wasn't ready to do this, because I wasn't staying when she was exhausted like this, when she needed me, I lay with her, my arms around her body, our hands intermingling. I stayed to show her that I'd never leave if she needed me, that this wasn't an experience and fun thing for me. For me it was real, filled with compromises and true love._

_And so I stayed until she drifted of to sleep and I fell in love with her even more._

_This night was our night, the beginning of everything, until reality caught us and never let us go again…_

_(Arizona's pov)_

Memories are just like dreams.

There are good and bad dreams, dreams that leaves you breathless and praying to something invisible. Good dreams are there to let you think about the things you had, but lost. Bad dreams are simply revealing what is missing and what you can't stop thinking about.

And with her it's just the same. Good Memories are turning into bad memories, because there's nothing I can do about. I can't go back and change what happened. I can't change what made the good memories to bad once.

I just sit there, smiling and crying, thinking about what could have been if we met each other in another time and at another place.

I wish I could build up other good memories with her…

Because no one ever loved me like she does.

And I never loved someone as much as I love her…

And I wished there could be a happily ever after…

**Authors Note 2**: Just a little spoiler here for you…

Next Chapter is a song Chapter with the song "Caught up in your love" covered by genius Emily Elbert. ;-)


	10. Lightning striking part a

**Author's Note: **Oh god I know how much you hated me and Arizona for all that creepy stuff going on and it's also illogical,because in GA Ari was the sure person and not the newborn, but I wanted to show you the struggle, how hard it can be to find yourself and run away from love. The person you love and the person who offer you love.But though I thank you for reading and reviewing this and I'm glad you are taking the journey with me after the low start over her and thank you for waiting all the time. School started again and it's hard for me to write every single day. So thank you very much!!!

Here's part a of my song Chapter "Caught up in your love", cause I didn't want to let you wait any longer and here's just a nice break.

Have a nice weekend left

-Sun

**Chapter 10 – ****Lightning striking (Part a)**

_(Arizona's pov)_

_Memories are just like dreams. _

_There are good and bad dreams, dreams that leaves you breathless and praying to something invisible. Good dreams are there to let you think about the things you had, but lost. Bad dreams are simply revealing what is missing and what you can't stop thinking about. _

_And with her it's just the same. Good Memories are turning into bad memories, because there's nothing I can do about. I can't go back and change what happened. I can't change what made the good memories to bad once. _

_I just sit there, smiling and crying, thinking about what could have been if we met each other in another time and at another place. _

_I wish I could build up other good memories with her…_

_Because no one ever loved me like she does. _

_And I never loved someone as much as I love her…_

_And I wished there could be a happily ever after…_

* * *

**After I said goodbye I promised myself I'd try  
****to get my mind off you and back to reality**

Sometimes people are misjudging a situation.

They don't follow their hearts… they; instead, follow their heads, their responsibilities. They think too much and feel less. The only thing they can feel is pain and sorrow. But they never think what they are doing to themselves and to others, they only calculate. And I'm one of them.

While my heart is screaming out for her I only sit there on a small wing in the near of our house where I used to sit when I was a small girl. I got here to think, to cry, and to be with myself when I couldn't be with someone else. And so I sit there now again, knowing I'm the most stupid person in the world, because I push her away from me when she is all I ever wanted, all I ever longed for. But still I can't something is stopping me, something inside of me, but I don't know what it is.

I already lost myself in her, but still I'm trying to think about something else, I'm trying to escape my dream, the world she build up for me. Instead I'm trying to get back into reality, not knowing what I'm afraid of. Am I afraid of what the people say and think? Am I afraid that things are going to change? Am I afraid of finally becoming happy?

"Zona…?" I finally hear a soft voice, calling out for me and immediately I wished it would be her, freeing my from my freeze, taking all the fears away from me. But how could she know I'm here? Only one person really knows where I am, when I'm feeling like this…

And even I need to say so much, so much left to figure out, I remain in silence, because actually there's nothing to say now. But I know he thinks differently as he is sitting down in the other swing, his blue accusation and with worry tainted eyes are never leaving me. We both need time to compose ourselves for the conversation we finally are going to have. I know he knows me better than I know myself sometimes. I know that he wants to help, that he wants to talk, but I also know that he's waiting for me until I'm ready to do the final step called confession.

"I'm in love…" I finally say, hushed, almost whispering like the wind is hardly audible blowing.

"I know…"

"What…?"

"I know you well enough to saw that you're in love, Zona."

"How?" I whisper shyly. Am I that obviously? Is it so easy to see that Calliope put her spell upon me?

"I have never seen you that happy, insecure and sad at the same time like you have been the past few weeks, since you met that girl… how's her name?"

"Calliope…"

It rolls so easily over my tongue and it comes so quickly, but still passionately and desperate, over my lips. That's when I know I want to say her name forever… Sometimes it's the only thing I want to say. Sometimes she's all I can think about.

But when did it happen? When was the point, I couldn't imagine myself without her around me? Was it when I first saw her? Did she capture my heart when she first kissed me secretly, thinking I wouldn't recognize it?

Was it the day we spent together? When she looked into my eyes like I'm the most beautiful creature n the world? Or when she stepped in front of Steve to help me?

When I think about it there hasn't been a clear moment I realized I was falling in love with her… There were only moments, pieces that formed a picture, now so clearly and pure. Finally capturing my attention.

The last piece was taken when we kissed in a dirty bathroom. Back then I realized I never felt that way by kissing someone; feeling the urge to never stop. I never felt so lost and desperate to turn around and never leave, when I left the room, left her behind.

But now the picture is completed, by her invisible and strong hands, and what I see in front of my eyes is taking my breath away…

It's the future.

A future we could have.

A future we might never experience.

"What's your problem, Ari?"

I look up, but I don't answer, because there's no answer. No answer I can give.

"I know you are scared. I know that, because I know you too well. You are scared of mom and dad and how they would react. You are scared about what the people say and you don't even know what happened to you. You are scared of doing the right thing, because that's mean all you ever thought about yourself was wrong. But Ari… don't try to lie to yourself and pretend you are happy. You can't flash me your giant dimples and believe I'm going to take it… She makes you happy, doesn't she?? She makes you laugh and cry at the same time. You can talk to her or enjoy the silence with her… She makes you feel better and everything seems greater with her… Isn't it that way???"

**But only lightning striking me, shaking me up could ever do that trick  
Caught up in your love  
Caught up in your love**

Everything he said is simply true. He is reading the sites of my soul and my heart like an open book so I can't hide it anymore behind locked and safe bars, and with a pencil in his hands he wants to help me to rewrite Calliope's and mine story – for me, with me.

"When… When I see her… my heart starts to beat faster… and sometimes when we talk I just want to sit there and watch her, because she's so beautiful… In and outside… When she laughs, she lightens the room and I want to laugh with her… I want to be the reason she is laughing. When she cries I want to hold her and when she's thoughtful I want to know what's on her mind… and when she's smiling I want to be the one she's smiling at…"

Words are finally leaving my mouth; words I never thought I would say, but it's all I ever wanted to say. It's a simple love confession, telling him how I truly felt, how she captured my mind and my heart within weeks… It's always her, whatever I do and I hate myself for going away from her.

But when I'm sitting there, close to tears, he is only smiling, not judging.

"Do you love her?"

A simple question asks for a simple answer and so I say: "Yes… I love her…"

And then he laughs, his laughter filling the afternoon air.

"So why don't you be with her? God… Are all girls always as complicated as you are? Ari… you love her and the way she was looking at you she's totally in love with you, too. Don't care what people say or what mom and dad think about it. Give a damn that you're both girls. Don't let her go if you love her. Don't le her go, because of that. Love isn't something that follows rules, Ari. Love only follows one thing: your heart."

When I look up into his honest eyes I finally nod, realizing something I always had in me: I'm in love with her and that's all that matters.

And maybe…. Maybe the talk would be good…

But in the end it doesn't matter what the people say… it only matter what our heart say.

And I know: We would be good…

**I was halfway home on a jet airplane, halfway between joy and pain  
Thinking about walking with you by the evergreens**

_(Calliope's pov)_

Whenever people fall in love and Cupid is knocking on their door they say they have never been in love like that before.

With me, love wasn't knocking; It came rushing in, unannounced, and I guessed Cupid just like to tease me and show me what I can't have.

And I always thought I couldn't have a bigger crush and I always howled like a threatened dog, like a lonely wolf, like a lost girl, desperately and madly in love.

But this time I can say I've never been in love like that without telling a lie, without overreacting.

Never a love tear me apart like this love, never a girl made me howl and lick my wounds like that, and if I could give myself away to be with her I'd do, immediately.

I would do anything and everything at all.

It's not just a small crush, it's not just a simple 'I like you' I'd send her way if I could.

It's a painful addiction, it's a growing fire that makes my body crumble and my heart ache, it's an honest 'I'm in love with you'.

And still I can't believe that she kissed me again; I can hardly grasp that we kissed just a few hours ago and when I touch my lips now with my trembling fingers, they are still burning.

In a dirty bathroom I captured her lips and she captured me in her hands – forever.

We kissed passionately, hungry and desperately, because we knew, before it even started, that this, between us, would find an end.

No, it wasn't just a kiss, it was desire. It was the beginning of us; at least it was for me…

And now when I walk down the street, being nowhere at all, I wish I could hate her.

I wish I could fill my body with madness and rage.

I wish I could push her out of my thoughts and out of my heart, like she pushed me away from her.

But I can't… no matter how hard I'm really trying she's still there.

And whatever is happening, whatever already happened and whatever will happen tomorrow, I could never forget her smile. I could never forget her touch or her words. I could never forget how beautiful she is; in the inside and on the outside.

And after I walked for what felt like hours I finally reach a door I'm always ending when I'm feeling like this. And today… it's just worse and I hardly recognize the white door opening and her standing in front of me, because an encompassing haze of tears made it impossible to see anything else than her, Arizona's, face.

"Hey…" I simply say, not able to say something else, and I have to gulp hard to get those few letters out of my dry mouth.

"Come in…" She says, reaching out for me and I knew there isn't anything else needed to be said. She understands how much I need her now. She understands without asking and everything she has done before I was coming, unannounced, doesn't matter anymore.

Minutes later I lie on top of her bed, where I use to lie very often, talking to her, laughing, putting my mind on ease and maybe, even, like now, crying.

"Why do I always end here when I'm feeling like this?" I mumble, tears still running down my red cheeks.

"Because I'm your person…" She replies softly as she's snuggling into my side, comforting me as much as she can and I'm thankful for that, but still only a small part of my heart is warmed by her strong and caring hands. The rest needs to be touched by her hands, her hands I'm desperately aching for.

And I ask myself how long I need to lay her to finally be able to breath without a aching heart, without her name, silently called out, by my lips, without my tears floating down the map of my broken heart.

And so I wait…

Wait for the pain to go away…

And secretly I wait…

I wait for her…

**Author's note 2**: Simply thanking a wonderful person, who is always there for me when I need her and who is surely reading this.


	11. Caught up in your love part b

**Author's Note: **Unfortunately not soon, but still here it is, the next Chapter of YTOIDO, inspired by a very special person who helped me to write this without even knowing. It's the second part of the song Chapter "Caught up in your love". Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. I'm always looking forward to your replies. They made my writing more passionately if that's even possible *grinning*

Hahaha… and this Chapter isn't just for **loveaz**(thank you) who is always inspiring me, for the people who are always taking this special writing journey with me, but also for **sandyb78** who was surprising me yesterday with a small nod in lj and made me giggle happily… so thank you :D I really appreciated it!

And heeeereeee it goes again, enjoy reading ;)

-Sun

**Chapter 11 – Caught up in your love (part b)**

_"Do you love her?"_

_A simple question asks for a simple answer and so I say: "Yes… I love her…"_

_And then he laughs, his laughter filling the afternoon air._

_"So why don't you be with her? God… Are all girls always as complicated as you are? Ari… you love her and the way she was looking at you she's totally in love with you, too. Don't care what people say or what mom and dad think about it. Give a damn that you're both girls. Don't let her go if you love her. Don't le her go, because of that. Love isn't something that follows rules, Ari. Love only follows one thing: your heart."_

_When I look up into his honest eyes I finally nod, realizing something I always had in me: I'm in love with her and that's all that matters._

_And maybe…. Maybe the talk would be good…_

_But in the end it doesn't matter what the people say… it only matter what our heart say._

_And I know: We would be good…_

**The way that light struck your eye, captured your face, nestled in my memory  
Caught up in your love  
**

A changing process needs a lot of time and space. Changing yourself means changing how you live and it means development. It always takes very long and it's a hard journey for someone who always lived the same way.

But sometimes there's a short moment, maybe something someone said to you or a look, a simple glance, a simple and soft gesture. And then you realize what you have to do and sometimes it doesn't take you long to know what and how and to develop.

When I stood up with my wings quickly growing and the pain fading away I realized it's never too late to change your life and yourself. It's never ever too late to become the person you want to be. It's never too late to do the right thing. It's never too late to love.

2 weeks passed after I talked to my brother and in two single weeks my old life crumbled and a new life, I wasn't even sure how it would be, started. I broke up with Steve in no time, because I just couldn't stay with him when Calliope was capturing my mind and when he first raised his hand and I closed my eyes, scared of the pain that'd rush through me body soon, I realized he wasn't the one for me and he has never really been. We both started to go out without loving each other. We both were pretending, thinking maybe there would be something. And even we both knew it was never meant to be he insisted and he pleaded for me to give him another chance. But I couldn't. Now… I never could.

In two single weeks I wasn't only breaking up with Steve, but also breaking up with my old friends and with my career as a cheerleader. I never realized it was so important with whom you hang out and with whom you get together or break up, but for them it was a reason to first try to make me get back to him and then dumb me, after I made it clear that I'd never get back with him… Still they try to convert me and make me believe that love is like that, but for me love isn't about pretending and hoping or wishing maybe there will be feelings. It isn't about doing what other people expect you to love and who.

And beside that I walked around in school, hoping I'd see Calliope again. I hoped and I still hope that we see each other in the hall or she still uses to sit under her favourite tree, but she was good in avoiding me. She was good in spinning around whenever she saw me, she was good at not looking at me, when she was everything I could and wanted to see. I'd even go on the rooftops and scream her name into the sky for everyone to know and her to see what's going on inside of me; but when I see her my knees are too weak and my mouth is dry so I can't speak. I can't forget what I did to her and how I treated her. I can't forget my mistakes and whenever I think about that I don't find the strength to do the final step.

And when I stood in front of her door, raising my hand to ring the bell I couldn't. I stood there half an hour, sitting on the porch without even moving, hoping I'd find the strength to ring and see her face again; to be strong enough to look her in the face and finally confess.

And I sat there for what felt like an eternity, but like she did in my imagination, she didn't come and I couldn't go.

So I sat there for a while, thinking, until I stood up, feeling lost like never before and wishing I could turn back the time were things were changeable.

You know, sometimes after you made a mistake you are not able to say sorry, ashamed of what you did. Instead you're hiding your heart away, hiding yourself in the darkest place.

Until, you sometimes, find yourself where memories are silently but surely, captured and you can't deny the beauty and the pureness that lies behind these long gone moments, whispering the undeniable truth into your ears.

And sometimes you realize there's still hope and there isn't time for giving up.

**I'm looking out my window at blue skies above **

**Caught**** up in your love**

****_(Calliope's pov)_

When you were falling down for days and when you are falling but abruptly hit the ground you unlearn to smile so easily.

You think to know how it feels, because you read about it in books, you've seen it in movies, you heard about it in songs and your favourite poetries contains topics of a broken heart and disdained love. And because you occupy yourself a lot with it, you really believe you know everything about it, don't you?

How naive… how naïve you are… how naïve I've been…

A broken heart is first a broken heart after it got broken by a person you love. It screams loudly, it aches fervently, and you can even hear it howl, cry and whisper if you listen intentionally enough. And when your heart is falling apart for the first time you realize that the description in the books, movies, songs and poetries were a simple "good – night – story" compared to the emptiness you're feeling.

Yeah, people may think I'm a little bit overdramatic, but I… I say, go and meet her, run and look her into the eyes, chase after her and touch you're her lips and then fall not in love with her. Try not to fall in love and tell me how you did it, because I tried the impossible. I tried… and failed… and so I howled and crumbled and I'm feigning my death whenever I'm looking into her direction.

Yes, I tried so hard to forget about it and Anna helped me a lot. She held me when I cried and she kicked my ass when I was right before giving myself up. She was helping me so much and I don't know where I'd be without her now, but still a heart can't be healed within two weeks. It can't heal over and I can't smile without being happy.

I'm still as broken as I've been before and I still cry as much as I did 2 weeks ago, because I met her, and not loving her is impossible. It's the hardest thing to do, because whenever I close my eyes she's always there… always…

…………………………………………………………………………………………………...

_Maybe it's wrong._

_Maybe it's wrong, but it feels so good. It feels better than anything that I experienced before. I don't know how we got here, how we ended up like this, but with her head laying on top of my lap my finger found its way easily to her exposed skin._

_And even I know it's toxic, she's toxic for me, I don't suppress the things I want._

_And what I want is to touch her, show her exactly how she makes me feel whenever I see her and whenever she's around, so close. My fingers are gracing her milky skin like she's my work of art, and she truly is. She's mesmerizing. When she starts to move I'm scared I did too much, but she just shifts closer in her sleep, her eyes still closed with her lips still smiling._

_And even I know it's the wrong thing to do I couldn't care less about society, about rules and behaving the right way, about falling in love with a girl you could and should never have._

_And even I know it will leave me back heart broken I lean down and press my lips on hers for the first time. That's when I realize that I want her lips to touch mine… forever._

_I don't know how it really happened, because I don't even realized how I drifted__ off to sleep and I don't even know how we ended up like this, but when I opened my eyes again the movie was already over and I could feel her warm breath on my face; her face just an inch away from mine and I could almost taste her caramel lips again. It was the only thing I wanted to do. Kissing, tasting, touching her more firmly, again and for the first time. _

_But I… I want to be able__ to do all of these things when she's aware of it, I want her to look at me the way I look at her, but before I do something stupid again, I try to stand up, cause it's not just very hard to contain my feelings, but it's also quiet late now. _

_But as soon as I'm trying to stand up I feel her hands softly grabbing for my shirt and even it feels desperate for me, knowing maybe she isn't thinking of me when she's trying to keep me in place while she's sleeping, I also feel contained like never before. _

_And when I lay down again she snuggles near me, breathing softly, like she's trying to breathe myself in and that's what I'm doing too…_

_Holding her in my arms __is the only thing I want to do. She's the only one I want to be with._

…………………………………………………………………………………………………...

The worst thing is everyone can see… even if you try to hide your eyes are an open book and it was just a matter of time until I heard their voices getting me back to reality, where I belong, but don't want to be.

"What?" I look up from my meal, which I didn't even touch, no bite, no real glance. How easily you can forget to eat.

"Everything's alright?" My mom asks concerned and I can feel all their glances piercing through my body.

"Yeah, 'course…" I mumble, feeling trapped, but maybe a fake smile is going to help.

"You haven't touched your meal yet, sweetheart. Isn't it your favourite meal anymore??"

I look down… Yeah typical Spain Tapas. Tell me one Spaniard who doesn't like that…

"No no… everything's just perfect, Mom. It's delicious!"

"And how do you know that without even eating?"

"I ate." I insist putting the rule you shouldn't lie aside for a minute. God forgive.

"If you mean eating by looking at the food on your plate and poke with your spoon... Come on, mija… What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I lie again "Everything is just perfect…" and laugh dryly, cause everything is far away from perfect and that's what my dad already realized.

"Don't lie to your mother, Calliope, I've taught you something else! We clearly see that something is wrong with you, but if you don't want to talk it's your decision, but your mother and I decided that a change would be good for you right now… we are going to talk to your teachers… It's just one simple week before the summer vacation so that won't be a problem…"

Weeks ago I would have said no.

Weeks ago I maybe would have yelled and said that I don't need a change. I'd have said they are crazy and they can't just decide what's best for me, without even talking to me. But now… now… I couldn't care less.

I shrug and drop my shoulders afterwards again.

And I nod, before I drop my head and before a simple and small and burning drop is leaving my eyes… before I get back into another world where I remember her…

**And I****'m having all these thoughts too wild to speak of **

**Caught**** up in your love  
**

_(Arizona's pov)_

I don't know how long I needed to prepare this speech. As Colonel Daniel Robbins daughter I'm totally used to speeches. I even believe he did a speech while my mom was giving birth. So you can really say I was born with this special gift and I never get tired of talking, rambling, doing speeches. But this time I sat there for days in my room and I laid awake to think about what to say to her. I prepared a speech in which I say sorry, in which I tell her how she captured my mind from the first day I saw her, and how she changed everything that has been... But I also want to tell her that it feels better… it feels right.

I want to tell her how she turned my world upside down like no one ever before. I want to tell her that I felt save in her arms, the night we watched a movie; that I felt her light kiss and how she hovered over my skin with her soft and long fingers and that I all I wanted was her, continuing. I need her to know how desperately my heart was aching, and my lips were screaming for her, silently, and tears were leaving my eyes, because of her, when I pulled away in the bathroom.

And I need to tell her that I'm going to do everything to be able to be with her. I'm going to be a good man in the storm for her…

But I'm… I'm not telling her, because I can't, because for the first time I'm not strong enough. She makes me weak; she makes my knees buckle and my heart I pounding furiously in my chest.

So long I waited, waited to be able to breath again, stop regretting the latest and biggest mistake I've made. And so I wait there, where I stood the past passing weeks, watching her.

And when the bell rings my heart beats faster.

So long I've waited for this moment to come, finally, talking to her again, asking her to meet me this afternoon and being able to tell her, finally, all the things I need her to know.

But when the classroom door opens, where she should have been the last 2 hours I'm not recognizing her, so I walk up to the big room where I met her for the first time, where I, at least, listened to her hypnotizing voice, but she's… she's not there.

Intentionally I ask myself where she could be, furiously looking around.

Maybe I just oversight her? No… I never could oversight her beautiful curves and her dark brown eyes.

Maybe she is sick? But it's the last school day before summer vacation and she also once told me she never get's really sick and yesterday she just seems to be totally perfect… And no, I'm not stalking…

But immediately I start to worry… immediately, immediately, immediately …

I recognize a face in the crowd and I start to run, need to reach her, call out for her, but she first knows that I mean her when I touch her shoulder and try to stop her.

**I don't care if it's foolish to feel this way  
I will take my chances with you despite what people say**

Everyone around is looking confused, frowning and maybe I look pretty stupid right now, breathing heavily when I finally reached her, but I couldn't care less, cause that's what love made out of me… A fool.

And to be exactly I like to be a fool, I like what love made out of me and I don't care what they are going to say about me. I just don't care like I shouldn't have cared weeks ago when her lips crashed against mine, but it's never too late.

Love is never fading away, like hope is never leaving broken hearts.

"What do you want?" She asks me, looking totally pissed when she's recognizing who called out for her, and who touched her shoulder, and who is now standing in her way… and who is, in her opinion, the most awful person in her World, to say it how she would say it: An total idiot. But she's the only one I can ask, she's Calliope's best friend and if someone knows what's going on she has to and so I'm get out of the scary being afraid place, take a step forward and try my best in erasing the bloody stupid thing I have done.

"I need to know where Calliope is!" Maybe not the best way to start a conversation, but now I can't seem to find the will to wait anymore.

She laughs dryly as if I have said something that doesn't fit my personality. She looks at me intentionally, with anger in her eyes.

"Why would you like to know where she is?"

"Because I… I…" I look around, avoiding her gaze, because it's much more difficult to confess in front of someone you have never talked to before. It's not her I want to tell all of those things, but Calliope.

"Because you what?"

"Because I need to talk to her…"

"About what?"

Okay… she's pretty protective and somehow I'm lucky for Calliope that she has someone, a friend like her, who loves her just the way she is and who tries to be there for her, no matter what is happening, but though, it'd be easier for me without answering all these questions.

I breath in and out deeply, looking her in the eyes to let her know that all I'm going to say is filled with the truth, filled with the emotions of my heart.

"About how stupid I have been; about how much I want her, how much I need her… Listen, I don't know you, but I appreciate how protective you are and I sense Calliope means a lot to you, but I… I need a second chance… Yes, I made a mistake and it took me long enough to find the courage and stand up for how I feel… but I… I just need to talk to her and tell her how I feel; I need her to need me back, because thanks to her I'm going insane…"

She starts to smile, her face lighting up each passing moment like I've fulfilled her biggest wish; her wish to see her best friend finally happy again.

"…and without her I really do… I need to tell her how awesome she is and how awesome we would be and I need to tell her all of that right now, cause I… I don't seem to be able to think normal, let alone breathing normally again… I just need to know it's not too late… so please… please, just tell me where she is…"

And suddenly she tries to avoid looking at me, but though I try to search her eyes for a sign of hope, but there's just sadness, compassion…

"Maybe it is…" She whispers hardly audible, taking me into the empty classroom to be able to talk to me in private.

"What do you…What do you mean?" My heart is trembling, my voice is aching, my body is crumbling. My eyes are trying to listen and my mouth is watching her lips moving while my world is spinning madly, never stopping. Just the thought of loosing her, of being the one who said no in the first place, of letting her move on, is tearing my heart apart.

"Well… after all that has been in the last weeks her parents decided to take her to Spain during the summer vacation to free her mind again and they… they are leaving today…"

Okay… that's something I don't like to her, something I don't even want to think about. About all the possibilities, about what's going to happen while she's away and about what's going to be when she's finally back again. But summer vacation is too long to wait. I'm going to burst, I'm going to punish myself for letting her go and so I just ask.

"They are going to leave today?"

"Yeah…"

"When exactly?"

"Around 11 o'clock…" she replies and I look furiously around, searching the clock on the wall and when my glance is crossing the white disc and when my eyes are reading the black numbers, hope is starting to rise within seconds.

20 minutes left… 20 minutes until she's going to leave.

"Thank you!" I say to her, smiling, hope lets wings grow, hope and love are ignoring all the rules.

"What are you doing?"

"Trying to stop her!" I call out, almost laughing like I'm on drugs… and I really, truly, purely am.

"Are you serious? We have…" She's frowning, even I now she likes the idea of someone fighting for her friend. That what love is: keep fighting.

School? Rules? I'm going to get in a lot of trouble if I'm just going now?

"I know… but… I don't care… Wish me luck!"

And finally she smiles widely and then I hear her voice: "Good Luck! Go get girl!"

**People say, "Pay no mind, you don't want to waste your time  
Loving one when there's so much more for you to see."**

My lungs are burning and air became second best when my car got a flat in the middle of the way to her house and I just kept running, knowing why I trained all the years and stopping finally in front of her house.

Five. Minutes. Left.

But it is too quiet. Her house lies quiet in front of me like a lake on a warm summer day, the sun cascading on the surface, telling a wonderful and calming story. But this quietness isn't telling me the story of something wonderful, it is telling me the story of a departure, leaving me back, knocking on the white wooden door.

I don't know how long I stood there, knocking and begging and pleading for someone to open this damn door and leading me to Calliope, but nothing was happening, instead of sadness capturing my eyes like it was capturing my whole body.

And when I stood there, still knocking I leaned my head against the hard wooden door, tears leaving my lonely eyes. How stupid I was. How stupid I could have possibly been? Stupid, stupid, stupid and alone, the memories still burned down like a tattoo on my mind. How could I ever let her go? I would do anything for love. I'd do anything to hear her calling out my name once more, I'd…

"Arizona?"

Immediately I spin around, immediately recognizing her voice.

And there she is standing in front of me in a simple black top and blue jeans, her hair tied up in a messy ponytail. And her brown eyes are hypnotizing me and I can't look away, even I'd have to, I couldn't.

"What… What are you doing here… I thought… I thought you're away?"

So, let's talk about preparing speeches right now…

"I… I forgot something…" She replies, just rambling as much as I do, and if we are just at the point where rambling is unavoidable I continue right away.

"Calliope…" I'm taking a step forward with my now crystal blue eyes from all the crying.

"Please… please don't go. I just ask you one thing… don't go… I know I've made a lot mistakes… I know you might hate me right now and I understand, I really do, but all what happened… I'd take it back, because I need you near me… If you're not there it feels like something is missing. I can't think clearly and all I think about is being with you… There's a lot I need to say and I need time to tell you. I need time to make you believe me, trust me and listen to me. I need time to tell you how sorry I am… I need time to show you how much you mean to me… So please… don't go now and stay… Please…"

**But they don't got what I've got, the jackpot, fits me like a glove  
Caught up in your love  
**

I look her in the eyes, but I can't read her completely.

Different emotions are gracing her face, but most important her brown orbs. Anger, Sadness, Pain. Maybe even Love, Maybe even Forgiveness.

But what I clearly see are simple tears she tries to hold back as she's gulping and asking something I hardly understand.

"Why, Arizona, Why? Why should I stay?" She asks with a whisper.

"Because I'm in love with you." A few words are leaving my mouth finally and as soon as they are reaching her ears and her eyes her expression is slowly changing into an unbelievable glance.

"You are?"

And the first time I'm standing in front of her I'm able to smile and nod.

"I am."

Grinning like a fool, like a fool in love, I stand there, smiling, nodding insuring, reassuringly.

And there it is… a simple reply that's changing everything.

"I'm in love with you, too…" She says softly and before I can even think I find her lips on mine.

It's desperate, but not filled with lust, but instead filled with passion and unbelievably love. Our lips are moulding perfectly and I never felt that way about kissing someone before and even it's just slow and not hungry, our lips parting and sensual touching, our tongues are not playing another game.

It's not about fulfilling a desire, but instead about commitment, about strengthens the already said words; and when my lips are massaging hers and I feel her soft and strong hands on my cheeks my heart is bursting because of the beauty I feel right now, about the joy that's rushing through my whole body.

******Cause I'm looking out my window at blue skies above caught up in your love  
And I'm having all these thoughts too wild to speak of caught up in your love**

But suddenly we both get surprised by warm rain drops cascading our already hot skin and after we part, we look up into the sky and I can clearly say no moment has been better than this; soft rain capturing our bodies like the sun is still reflecting in our eyes.

"I don't go to Spain with my parents." She finally says when we look into each others eyes.

"But you said you forgot something?"

"Yeah… cause I was heading off to Anna who isn't even knowing about her luck yet, and because she's still at school I was heading home to get a few other things to sleep at her place tonight, before I'm back here tomorrow again…" She explains, but I still have one question.

"Why were you not going?"

She smiles, without answering yet. Instead she kisses me again and again and again, until my lips are hurting in the best possibly way, but then she's pulling away, again, while the rain is still falling.

"I was not leaving, because I still hoped you'd come by and if this moment would have come I needed to be there…"

Not just tear drops are rolling down my cheeks, but also tear, telling her how deeply I feel for her.

She believed in me, she still believes in us when everything seemed to be over; and here I am. Here we are, kissing again, and before I can react she pulled me up in a bear hug and I'm floating in her strong arms, while she's still kissing me, but also twisting.

And while I'm up there, feeling safe and loved I start to believe this is my own Hollywood movie.

My own happy end.

**Author's Note**** 2: **I know this would be a perfect end, but you want me to continue with this? I have a looooot of ideas, so just tell me and we are going further on to Part b of this story :)

Hope all of you enjoyed it!

Nice weekends and all my best wishes to you,

Sun


	12. I'm a good man in the storm

**You're the one I'm dreaming of – Part 2**

**Chapter 12 – I'm a good man in the storm**

_(Arizona's pov)_

Is love alive? I always asked myself those sorts of questions, my mind drifting from one place to another, I was searching for an answer in every face I saw and in every lips that graced mine.

But when I met her my question was answered immediately and I never start to disbelief again.

Weeks passed in which we got nearer to each other, no one was able to part us, each and every single day I drove to her or she came over and we talked, laughed, went to the beach and made out. We never got bored of each others company and I never seemed to get bored of her touch, of her full lips.

And so after one week just hanging around and meeting her friends I started to think about taking a step forward in our new rising relationship. Not a big step, just a small one, cause each evening I hated to say goodbye to her. Whenever we lay down in her or my bed and we kissed each other, touched each other more intimately or just snuggled together I hated to let her go. I hated to kiss her goodbye and say "See you tomorrow".

So instead I said: "Please stay tonight", half sleeping, half awake. She looked me in the eyes, frowning, if it was really okay for my parents to let her sleep there, but I just said, they don't know yet and tough I couldn't care less what they say about her sleeping here with me. I just needed her that night, holding me in my sleep, staying there with me, her breath caressing my half naked shoulder.

And so she kissed me the first time good-night, instead of goodbye.

This night has been one and a half week ago and since then I wasn't sleeping without her, because with her, with her arms around my torso and her body pressed against my back and her head laying on my shoulder I never slept that good, and I never want to miss her scent or how she looks like in the morning.

Each single morning I try to wake up earlier than her to be able to watch the morning light cascading over her beautiful olive skin. I lay on my side, my head backed up with my hand and so I sit there, watching her chest rise and fall, her eyes closed and her lips opened a little bit to breath slightly.

And when I sit there for almost half an hour just watching her I realize how happy and joyful I feel right now. Never, not in months or in years, it felt like I do right now… and in my world I feel super awesome with her by my side. How magical it so to realize you are in love with someone. But not just the "few months" being in love, the "let's see what's going to happen" love or the thing I had with Steve.

No… when I lay here it's her I want to see now, and tomorrow and forever. I want her to fill my world with love and joy. I want her to be a part of my life, laughing when I'm pouting, hugging me tightly when I'm complaining about her laughing when I'm putting, or her touching me every opportunity she gets and being impatiently when she can't. Or how she's looking right into my direction like she has never seen something more beautiful… but more important how she seems to need to be in contact with me whenever we are sleeping, and even now, I feel her arms sneaking out for me, searching some sort of body contact and so I crawl nearer, touching her arm with my fingers only and immediately I see her full lips curling into a soft and satisfied smile until she opens her eyes, staring into mine, frowning and smiling intentionally.

"You're already awake?" She asks, yawning, and I can see that she's still half asleep.

I simply nod, not able to say a word. I just watch her and smile while she's crawling nearer, shifting until she's able to touch me a little bit more. It's just our hands, but this small gesture is meaning more than the entire world I'd like to say to her.

"You were watching me?" And I nod again; proud of myself, how I was able to wake up that early even we had a hot kissing session last night until we finally got able to drift of to sleep. And she seems to be surprised too, and though she was always complaining about me watching her, she's still smiling tiredly now, before she finally asks. "Everything's alright, Ari?", because I haven't said a word until now.

I nod, again, intentionally.

"It's perfect…" I reply before I move forward to meet her In a quick but soft good morning kiss, and after I pulled away she starts to ramble about everything and nothing at all like almost each single morning, explaining me what she has planned for us to do today and even I'd love to listen I can't be completely attentive right now, but it's her fault, because she's so beautiful I can't concentrate.

And then I finally open my mouth, because realization hit me so often the past few days I finally realized what I have… what I want to do.

"I'm going to tell my parents." I cut her off, ignoring the fact that she's still talking and her eyes are growing wide.

"What?"

"I'm going to tell them about us…" I say, nodding reassuringly like it's the most natural thing in the world, but for us it's not. We decided to not tell anybody of our relationship except of Anna, because we wanted time to prepare each other before we tell the whole world about us. And what I am saying right now means more than the first "I love you", we haven't even said. It means commitment. It means seriousness, trusting her and trusting myself, believing in our relationship and in our love.

"Really?" She asks in a whisper like she can't believe what I said right now and I just reply :

" Really…" before I kiss her again, this time longer and this time switching position until I'm on top of her, my legs on either side of her hips and my hands beside her head while I'm slowly and passionately kissing her, her fingers tangled in my hair and just when I'm pressing myself into her we both hear the knock on the door and as we pull apart immediately and shocked, I fall to the ground. Not that changed my mind about telling my parents, but it wouldn't be the best way if they find out their daughter is gay by opening the door and seeing her make out with her new school friend and so I just throw a croaky "Yeah?" to my father, who uses to wake us with a door knock each single morning.

"Morning, girls! Breakfast is waiting for you!"

"Thanks, Dad! We are coming…" I reply, slightly annoyed while she can't stop laughing.

"Stop laughing, Calliope or no kissing for you!" I hiss and immediately she stops, her head almost bursting and so I start laughing about how easily it is to shut her up, and she's joining me without hesitating.

As if I'd be able to not kiss those lips…

…………………………………………………………………………………………………...

The morning was just perfect, filled with kissing and snuggling in my bed until we both knew it was time for her to leave and time for me to do what I decided earlier. She said she could stay and help me get through this, but I also knew it needed to be done by no one else but me. And so I thanked her for being there for me, before she squeezed my hand supportive and kissed me a last time before I closed the door behind her.

But before I could go in the living room where Daniel, Dakota, mom and dad already waited I paced up and down, my whole body in fire.

I already knew a coming out wouldn't be like a simple walk on a beautiful summer day, and I really wanted to do this for Calliope and me, but I never thought it'd be that hard.

After 5 more minutes of pacing and unusable soliloquizing I went in there, paralyzed, but still ready for the final confession to make and immediately I felt like a stupid monkey in zoo, the way they looked into my direction.

"You wanted to tell us something?"

My Dad started in his official and normal Colonel Robbins voice and I was startled… _super_ startled. And when I looked around into all these waiting faces it wasn't getting better. Only Daniel smiled my way, already knowing what I was going to say, proud that I wanted to come out of my protective shell and finally making Calliope to a real part of my life instead of hiding her.

"Yes I… I wanted to tell you something very important…" I started like weeks ago when I announced that I broke up with Steve. But back then everyone was doing the happy dance, even my dad, finally happy that I dumped him. But what would they do now? I didn't really expect another happy dance; instead the "how far can you get the hell out of my house" – speech.

But even I was scared it was, though, everything I wanted. I wanted Calliope to be known as my girlfriend, as the person I love, and not just as someone I simply hang out with. I wanted us to be accepted and I wanted my parents to accept me for who I am, because in my opinion it's the way it should be.

"Well… I… Calliope and I are together…" I finally blurt out, earning wide glances, until my mother starts to laugh.

"Oh sweetie pie, we already know you go with Calliope together to school." She laughs and I almost turn read. Well okay… that was not the right thing to say… maybe I need to be a little bit clearer?

"No… I mean… Calliope and I… we are a couple… we love each other…"

Never I felt that small, but why should I? Why should I feel small or scared what they say? Why should I embarrassed and afraid of love? Love is nothing I should be scared about, nothing I should have to hide. Love should give strength; it should be accepted without asking any questions. Love is Calliope. Everything I think about love I see her in front of my eyes, I feel her; I also taste her and smell her. She's unique like love and love, Calliope, is something I am proud of; and so I stand up straight, bearing the silence, waiting what's going to happen next.

And when my dad finally looks up, directly into my eyes, navy blue eyes meeting mine and like all the others in the room who weren't saying anything I was anxious to hear what he was going to say.

"Are you still who I raised you to be?" Was the only question he was asking and I couldn't answer. I wanted to say all the things he already knew, but I was not able to say anything else, instead I started crying, my eyes filled with different emotions, all my anxious fading away when he finally smiled and stood up to take me into his arms and kissed the top of my head like he also did when I was a little girl, now, still being one.

"You're still my daughter if you worry about that and I still love you the same. If she makes you happy, and I have the feeling she does, she's welcome. She seems to be a nice girl." And with that I can't hide my sobs and I can't stop until I feel all of their arms around me.

The Robbins Clan is alive and we stand up, strong, for each other, and something like this is not changing everything. Not a single thing.

……………………………………………………………………………………………….......

I waited another few hours, until I finally heard the bell ring and immediately I ran downstairs, almost falling while I was running, charged with immeasurable energy and love for the girl, now, in front of me and all I could do was kissing her. I didn't even waited for her to say anything, because with one single I kiss I had so much to tell and when I finally pulled away, because air got a problem for both of us.

"I guess it went very well…" she says smiling while I can't stop grinning like a fool and I just nod.

"It went perfect… I never thought it'd be that good. I mean, yes I always thought and hoped they'd accept me for who I am and for who I love, but I was scared though, but now it feels just…" Once I started rambling it's hard for me to stop again, but when I look her into the eyes I realize something isn't right and so I stop, asking her instead what's wrong with her, because she wasn't really listening and that's not how she normally is.

"Calliope… What's wrong?"

She tries to avoid my gaze and take a step backwards, though, she's still holding my hand to give me the feeling that's nothing between us and immediately I calm down a little bit.

"My parents are going to be at home tomorrow again…"

"What??? We have 3 more weeks of our vacation left I thought they would stay in Spain until the end?"

"That's what I thought, too. But they phoned me when I was at home and they told me they are going to be back tomorrow…" She says in a sad voice, but I don't realize what's wrong. Of course we can't be that freely at her place how we used to be the past 3 weeks, but we still have my room and we still have each other…

And there it comes… the reason she didn't want them to come back… After I came out to my parents today she might think she has to do the same thing to strength our relationship, though we both know she isn't ready yet.

So I take both of her hands in mine and rub the palm of her hand with my thumb, caressing her skin to calm her down a little bit and take her guilty glance away.

"You don't have to tell them, you know?" I say and she looks like I've read her mind.

"I will still stay with you and I'll still love you the same way even if you decide to not tell them about us, yet. I completely understand and I'm able to wait, okay? Don't worry about that, Calliope."

"Really?" She looks into my eyes with a hopeful glance of her brown orbs.

"Really…" I nod, kissing her softly another time.

"So it won't be a problem I'm no going to sleep over here tonight?" She asks and then I'm startled. Well we haven't talked about that…

"Well… I hate to say it, but I want to be there when they arrive and because I don't know when exactly I'm going to head home and wait for them to arrive. But tomorrow I'm just going to be here again, kay?"

A night without Calliope sounds awful, at most cause today was the day I told my parents and I imagined to celebrate with her a little bit, but it sounds logical and so I nod and let her go with one sweet kiss. "Okay, no problem. So I guess it's a "good bye" kiss tonight, isn't it?" I say unlucky about the latest revelation, until she smirks and kisses me once again.

"Not yet... I want my snuggle - portion now if I can't have it tonight… Accepted?"

I start to laugh… "Full accepted"

"Thanks Ma'am…" She says like she used to call my mother, the same way she still calls my Dad Colonel Robbins or Sir and I kind of think it's sweet, though, everything is going to change pretty soon as her, being a real part of our family now.

I take her hand while she's closing the door behind us and I drag her into my room where I fall on the bed and just wait for her to come down to me and take me into her arms.

I look her into the eyes one last time, smile and kiss her twice, before I drift of to sleep, and the next thing I remember is waking up to an empty bed, a short note on her side of the bed and the sun caressing my skin in the morning, instead of her soft breath and her capturing scent.

……………………………………………………………………………………………….......

The first time you realize you are really addicted to someone is the moment when you lay in bed the whole night, not really able to find peace and close my eyes. I shifted around, tried to close the gap between her and me until I realized every time freshly that she's not where she used to be the last weeks. The place where I desperately need her to be.

And when I stood up the next day it felt strange sitting on the kitchen counter eating our usual morning cereal and when I sat there I just thought about her laughter and smiled intentionally knowing it'd be like that tomorrow and the day after tomorrow… It'd be like that for a long time and I couldn't wait future to come.

The whole day I couldn't banish my smile and I also couldn't wait her to come and tell her everything I thought of, but hour by hour passed by and I waited for her. I waited until the door finally rang and I again I ran down to greet her with open arms, kissing her, letting her know how much I missed her, but when I opened the door I saw her standing her, looking like never before.

Tears were streaming down her face and right after I opened the door I immediately found her in my arms sobbing. And I held her, tightly, asking her what's wrong, and I dragged her into my room where we sat down on the edge of my bed, my hands on her cheeks and her tears on my hands. And then she kissed me, fervently, shortly, determined, but her tears and her sobs made it unable for both of us to continue. Her heart was broken and I couldn't even tell what it was, until she finally said: "I cut the off." and escaped in my embrace, clinging onto me for life.

I looked up, my hands still on her cheeks as I tried to make her look me into the eyes.

"What happened?" I whisper and she looks back, biting her lips and… crying her heart out…

……………………………………………………………………………………………….......

_(Calliope's pov)_

_When you found yourself walking alone through the desert, thirsty and tired, for years, you suddenly stop believing. It's a calculated decision__ you make some night after another sleepless night. It's something realistic after you saw what the unfulfilled hope did to you. _

_You decided to walk further on, still desperate to find a place to rest and drink holy water, but though you are not hoping anymore… Because it always disappoints you… it always does._

_But I'd say clearly: __That's not right, folk. _

_Someday, a long time after you gave up, hope is knocking on your door calling out:_

"_Sorry, I know I'm a little __bit late, but there was a BIG jam on the road of life, but here I am, finally, and looked who I brought with me; look who I've found on my way to you! Love really looked forward to meet you and when I told you I was on my way to you she didn't even hesitate to join me! And look who's next to join the party: Satisfaction! And over there's old joy, hey Joy come over here he can' wait to see you! And there's also happiness, Joy's little sister who started a campaign against loneliness! We were all coming just for you!!"_

_And you will realize hope and love, satisfaction, joy and happiness; they were always there, they just needed time to find you like you needed time to be found and wait_

_But they will come. I promise_

_I know that, because I waited long enough, but it was all worth it._

_When I open my eyes now I don't see waves of brown sand in front of them, I don't think about the desert anymore. I don't think about how thirsty and how desperate I have been. _

_I just think about the joy that is running through my veins, playing funny games with satisfaction, happiness and cheesiness in my stomach. _

_When I was younger I laughed about the thought of being addicted to someone, it's cornier than I ever wanted to be. But now I welcome it with open arms and when I wake up I want to call her and tell her everything I realized, but though I'm keep lying there in a room I have barely seen without her the past days. _

_I wait for my parents to arrive, but I don't know what to do, what to say and what to tell. __I want to tell them everything, because I don't want to hide the best thing that ever happened to me and after Arizona told her parents about me, even I know how scared she was, I feel like a hopeless creep, sitting in my room and thinking what to do and how to hide our relationship. I feel awful, because I can't stand up for her and when I hear the voices of my parents hours ago after I finally managed to stand up and clean the house before they were coming back, I still feel the same. Or maybe… just worse… I embraced them and laughed with them, I listened to their voices, but while they were taking all the time all I could think about how much I needed to tell them… How much I needed to clarify my love for her. _

_It's about commitment and even we are together for one month, at least in 2 days, it's something I want to do for her and for us… Love is something beautiful; __she__ is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, but though I can't tell… I can't tell…_

"_How was your vacation?" And then the answer I could reply with honesty. And they stand there; looking at me with shining and big eyes like they are waiting for something big, like a big revelation is coming up and it is…_

"_I met someone…" and they smile broadly. _

"_Actually I'm in a relationship…" I say, my heart not stopping to pound furiously._

_And then their mouths hang open and a simple "Wow!" filled the room once… and twice and a thousand times in my head. And then there was silence._

"_So… when are we going to meet the young man?" My dad finally said, smiling. But it wasn't the truth; his smile was a fake, because he doesn't knew that he was actually a she. _

"_I… Dad… Mom… I… you met Arizona before?" My voice is shaking, but they simply nod._

"_Yeah, of course… but why? Is she coming over later?"_

"_Yes.. I mean no… I… I don't know… what I meant is… she is who I'm dating now… she is the one I'm with…"_

_Then their mouths drop again, but this time they are more than surprised. They are shocked, __petrified__, their eyes… terrified, just like my heart._

_She didn't need me to tell them, she would accept everything, every part of me. But though I did it, because I… I love her._

"_I never planned it, Mom… I never asked for it, but then she suddenly entered my life and I… we love each other… we really do and she makes me happy."_

_They don't look at me. No one. Mom is crying silent tears and my Dad is silent, not crying, but I can see how he is trembling, inwardly._

"_You are not going to see her again." He says, pressured and I can't believe what he is saying. I wasn't expecting them to laugh and smile and tell me how happy they are for me, but I never expected them, my father, to do that… to misjudge love, to adjudge __my__ love._

"_Dad! You can't do that, it's my life and you can't tell me what to do! I'm going to see her! Of course I am! We are together and I love her and I don't care if you don't want it! Maybe you think it's a sin, but it's not, Dad! Why should it be? There's nothing more pure than love! And we… Dad… she loves me and she treats me well… we are happy…"_

_But he doesn't care if I'm happy… he just thinks about what's right and what's wrong in his eyes… and this isn't right…_

"_Leviticus – Thou shall not lie with a man as one lies with a female, it's an abomination…"_

_He starts intentionally looking into my eyes like he has to get the devil out of my body. But how could he ever act like she's devil? _

_I look at my mother, but she's silent… no words are leaving her trembling lips, that's when I know that I have to fight this fight on my own. _

"_Don't do that, Daddy! Don't quote the bible at me." I try to stop him, but he seems to be in rage._

"_The outcry of Sodom and Gomorrah is great, and the sin is exceedingly grave."_

_And now I can't even stop myself from rambling. _

"_Jesus – a new commandment that I give unto you, that you love another." _

_It's starts to be a fight between to kind of people who believe in a different love. My love is unlimited. My love doesn't know any gender, any age, any fence. My love doesn't bend and so doesn't his point of view and he throw lines of the bible at me like I'm not his daughter he is talking to. Like I'm a stranger he tries to convince, not the daughter he should love and respect._

"_Romans – But we know that laws…"_

"_Jesus! He is who is without sin among you; let him cast the first stone!"_

"_So you admit it's a sin…"_

_And it sinks in painfully, but though I stay there, no tears are leaving my eyes, but the sound of my voice is telling something undeniable. Tears are finding their way, from my heart to my olive skin. _

"_Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy! Jesus – Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see god! Jesus – Blessed are those who have been persecuted for righteousness sake. For theirs is the kingdom of heaven!"_

_I breathe in deeply, silent tears are tracing down a burning line on my cheek before I burst out loud: _

"_Jesus is my saviour, Daddy, NOT YOU!"_

_The last part I breathe out, before I spin around and ran out of the house, running through the streets, past all the wicked houses, past all the people and the trees and cars and buildings, until I'm reaching her house, needing __her scent to crawl into my nose, needing to feel her arms wrapped around me, her lips finding mine, letting me know she's my mercy._

……………………………………………………………………………………………….......

(Arizona's pov)

I don't know how long she cried and spent there in my arms, hugging me tightly, clinging onto me like she would die without me touching her. I don't know how long she captured me whole body, tangled in hers and I don't know when she drifted of to sleep, but I know that I laid awake the half night, stroking her hair in the softest way, kissing her hot and wet cheeks or her silent lips to know that she's okay. To le her know that I'm going to be there, forever.

The next day I lost all my sense of time when we laid in front of each other, not moving, not talking, only our hands were touching simply and we were breathing the same air. And that was all we needed today. All we needed was the love we felt without talking, without truly touching, just by looking and realizing sometimes you don't need to move your mouth to communicate.

And I hate to stand up and leave her alone but after my parents and my brothers left for a party and there's nothing at home to eat I decided to get to my favourite pizza restaurant and get us delicious pizza. I left her here to clear her head for a little bit and it was already afternoon when I left. Maybe she needed a little bit time for herself after last night and so I left, just a little bit.

But when I was standing there, waiting for my pizza I felt like cancelling the pizza and instead running back to my room and instead snuggling with her. Rather snuggling than waiting… I could forget that I'm starving... no problem with that… but I can't forget that I'm starving for her…

No, Arizona, stop the dirty thoughts that kept rushing through your mind since you first met her… maybe it's not time… even I want to touch her in a way only I can… even I want to show her how much I want her and how much she captured my mind… I don't think she even knows how beautiful she is…

And then when a smile is crossing my face it's soon fading when I see the man who is also waiting, standing at the store window looking outside and looking lost. I don't know what to do, maybe I want to hit him with a brick, cause even he is the father of the girl I love, or maybe because he is her father I want to clear his head. Maybe he doesn't even know how broken she truly is because of him.

But when I walk up to him I just think of her and how much she means to me, how much I want her to be happy and she deserves to be loved by her parents…

I walk up to him without saying anything and I don't even know what to say when he looks up at me, frowning, looking at me with disrespect.

"I don't know you well enough to talk about my daughter…" He says angrily, dryly.

And then, out of the blue I realize what I need to say… and maybe it's not changing everything, but I need to do something. I need to stand up for her…

"Most people think that I was named for the state, but it's not true. I was named for a battleship. The USS Arizona." I explain simply and he doesn't know what I want to say with that… I don't know either. I just know that I love her and I will stand up for her, whatever it takes.

"My grandfather was serving on the Arizona when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor and he saved… nineteen men before he drowned. Pretty much everything my father did his whole life was about honoring that sacrifice. I was raised to be a good man in a storm. Raised to love my country, love my family and protect the things I love. When my father, Colonel Daniel Robbins of the United States Marine Corps heard that I was a lesbian, he said he only had one question. I was prepared for; 'how fast can you get the hell out of my house?' But instead… it was, 'are you still who I raised you to be?' My father believes in country the way that you believe in God. And my father is not a man who bends, but he bent for me, because I'm his daughter. I'm a good man in a storm. I love your daughter. And I protect the things I love, not that I need to, she doesn't need it. She's strong and caring and honorable. And she's who you, raised her to be."

I smile last time while the knot in my throat grew bigger with each sentence. But though I feel better than ever before.

I just wish he would see how wonderful she is… And I hope he is going to see that very soon.

……………………………………………………………………………………………….......

After 2 long hours waiting there I finally come home and when I open the door I call out for her, knowing I did the right thing, because whatever is happening… we are in this together.

"Calliope?" I call out, smiling broadly, running up the stairs into my room, and when I finally open the door I see something I never thought off tonight and she stands there already waiting for me. And she's smiling too.

"You're finally back…" She says simply.

**Authors Note**: God I needed long to finish that Chapter, but though it needed THAAAT long I hope you all liked it. And I loved your reviews, they mean a lot to me and I'm glad you all wanted me to go on, because there is another part of YTOIDO planned =) Thank all of you, so much.

And my favourite sentences since the heart breaking beautiful and breath-taking scene:

Have faith in love =)

-Sun


	13. Perfect

**Authors Note: **You are all so lovely, and because you are so lovely here's a Chapter you've waited for so long I guess *laughing* the song text is Doria Robert's "Perfect"… the header of this Fanfiction. You can find the song on my YouTube account xredSunburst – Arizona & Calliope – Perfect. So it'd be easier to listen to it if you'd like ;)

mcseriously101**: **glad you liked it; I did it on purpose, because I liked the idea of the original storyline crossing this story :) and thanks for all of your thumbs ;D

DianaDumbledore: hahaha… I'm doing my best here, but the pizza part is coming for sure I promise ;)

BrennaAimee: I'm doing my best to keep up the good work, hopefully not disappointing you ;)

Jubi129: no, thank you, thank you, thank you for commenting :) Oh yeah… they are just made for each other!

Auggy1984:  thank you :)

SingLaughDanceLiveLove: cookies? I WANT COOKIES! You see how fast cookies (and reviews) make me write? :D

lovelikepbandj: thank you =) sometimes I really need the time to write, but I'm trying to write as fast as I can, because I've a lot in my mind for this *laughing* hope you like the next Chapter, too.

iFabi: me too… me too =) glad you liked it, like reaaalllyy glad. :D

mezizophan: haha, don't make me blush, thank you ;) but you're a very smart head *laughing* No I haven't forget about the Chapter… no single moment ;) I've planned 3 parts of YTOIDO and for sure… the last part is planned ;) But happy you remembered!

Loveaz: you will… I believe in it =) thank you so much for reviewing all the time over here. Means a LOT to me!

And thanks to all who reviewed this =)

…………………………………………………………………………………………………...

**Chapter 13 - Perfect**

_After 2 long hours waiting there I finally come home and when I open the door I call out for her, knowing I did the right thing, because whatever is happening… we are in this together._

"_Calliope?" I call out, smiling broadly, running up the stairs into my room, and when I finally open the door I see something I never thought off tonight and she stands there already waiting for me. And she's smiling too._

"_You're finally back…" She says simply._

**Let's take a picture now  
I do not want to forget  
The way you look at me when everything is perfect  
A perfect memory of when things are so good  
And everything has worked out just the way we knew it would**

_(Arizona's pov)_

I stand there in front of her, looking at her, fascinated.

Only candles are filling the room with a soft light, gracing her half naked olive skin at the right places, letting her look more beautiful than ever before. But I didn't know what was going on. I was standing there in simple short jeans, the shorts she oh so loved, and in a black top, my hair pulled up in an untidy ponytail, the pizza carton still in my hands. But she is stunning with her soft curled and long hair, caressing her bare shoulders, and her body is only covered with what I believe is satin, glimmering in the soft light. She wears lingerie. Oh god she wears… lingerie…

And when I couldn't move she walked up to me, smiling, while I stood there, my mouth hanging open widely. And then I smiled, fascinated. Fascinated how she made me feel, my knees weaken so easily. Fascinated, I smile into her face, now finally able to move my hand to her face, stroking it firmly with my fingers.

"You are so beautiful…" I simply state before I reach up and wrap my arms around her shoulders, because I'm a little bit shorter than her and I like to press myself into her, I like to be as close as I can. But though it's different from all what has been yet.

It's different, because we both know what's going to happen now. I imagined this moment so often, for so long, but this tops every single imagination I had… I press her into me, while I'm taking in her scent, while I'm trying to show her that I'm never letting her go… never.

When I pull back to look into her eyes she's still blushing and as we come together in a gentle kiss she still is. I can sense how nervous she is, though she was the one who did all of this, for us.

And when my lips are gracing hers, the more we lose ourselves in this kiss the more passionately it becomes each passing second.

We touched so many times, we kissed so much, shared a bed for so many nights, but now it'd be something else. It'd mean more than every 'I'm in love with you', because when she touched me shyly, starting to slip her fingers under my shirt, travelling up the bare skin of my torso, I know I'd show her how much I truly love her tonight…

**I bought a picture frame  
I made room on the wall  
I hold you close to my chest**

_(Calliope's pov)_

Looking into her navy blue eyes I don't ask if she truly loves me and I think I'd never doubt about it, because I clearly administrate love and passion in her eyes when her blue orbs suddenly darken under my touch and she opens her mouth slowly, breathing in and out so silently before she holds her breath; but never breaking my gaze.

It doesn't feel like we are doing this for the first time, because even I want to do this right I never felt that content and free when I'm reaching the material of her bra, letting my finger and palm gliding over it. And when I did it she is still holding her breathe until she exhales, closing her eyes a brief moment before the blue ocean is filling the brown desert with life and love again.

Reaching for her shoulders I slip her simple black top of and it dropped silently to the floor, like it doesn't want to be a part of her body anymore, neither have I wanted it to be.

And just when I was starting to kiss the part of her neck she oh so loved, she suddenly pulled up my head to kiss her soft lips, licking over mine gracefully before she pulled away again and moved closer. Instead she kissed along my neckline, just above the fabric of my lingerie and then she gently ran her hands down my front, and I could see how she enjoyed feeling the contours of my front as she took in my breast and abdomen.

She found the hem of my lingerie, but looked me in the eyes, waited till I nodded. Until she finally removed it, gasping as I was standing in front of her and suddenly she was capturing me in a heated kiss again, telling me how she felt. And when she guided me to the bed, kissing me hard, not allowing any room of air between us, we both landed on the mattress, never, never breaking contact.

**Because I've made room in my heart  
You ask me what I'm doing  
I say displaying our love  
I can see you when I'm awake and you're the one I'm dreaming of**

And we kissed, more tenderly this time and with me on top of her, I brushed my lips softly over hers. I wondered how I ever could be without her, how I ever thought I could live without tasting, kissing, feeling her beneath me.

And I tingled when I felt her lips and her body shivering under mind and my body pressed on hers, and I tingled even more when I she introduced her tongue and I immediately welcomed her inside, our kiss developing.

I had been supporting myself on my hands the whole time, resting either hand on either side of Arizona's head, but now I was resting on my elbow to finally free my hand and let my hand trail down her body. I enjoyed how she reacted and how she squirmed under my touch, how easily I made her feel me. And when I bent down my head to join my fingers and kiss wherever I could reach, caressing her skin and tasting her like I wanted it for such a long time, she sighed silently, but loud enough for me to hear. And I… I never thought I could be so lucky as to enjoy a moment such pure and passionately like this; and I'm not even scared about it anymore, because it's her I'm talking about.

It's her I'm with, It's her I'm touch and that's all I want to do…

Finally I slipped my hand down her body and rested it at the top of Arizona's jeans, fumbling with the button and the zipper and waiting until Arizona pulled herself off the bed so I could remove the unwanted item of clothe. And so she lay there in her black lazy underwear and I couldn't contain my giggles.

"What's so funny?" She asked, until she realized why I laughed. Sometimes I even wear different socks but she's even colour co-ordinated with her underwear.

"I like to be colour co-ordinated," Arizona says shyly, blushing.

"Each moment I don't think you could get any hotter… you do…" I reply, honestly, just looking at her and it's the truth. She is the most beautiful vision I have ever seen in my life and I don't think I'm ever going to be able to stop staring at her. So she takes the opportunity and slides down the zip and guided down the fabric, being finally able to touch me everywhere. Looking at me and touching me in a hungry way, her eyes darker than I've ever saw them before.

**I love the sun when it shines  
I love the sky when it's blue  
I love the color green  
Because it reminds me of you  
I've been thinking about you all night  
**

She moved up and kissed me, softly and I shivered in delight right before I buried my face in her neck, taking in her scent and moving my hands to her bra and feelings where rushing through my body when I looked her in the eyes, asking for permission.

I licked my lips, my mouth was suddenly going dry, because I was nervous, more than anything, but it was also everything I wanted to do.

At the sight of Arizona's ample chest I held my breathe, but I dared to reach out and touch, gently stroking my fingertips over her skin, over her velvet and smooth skin. And persuaded by the sighs that left her opened mouth I continued to explore the surface of her breasts, making patterns and circles, closer and closer, harder, softer, determined and sure of what I was doing when I finally touched her where she desperately needed to be touched.

I covered her body with kisses, moving down where my hands have already been and I kissed her chest delicately as I heard soft moans leaving her lips when I took the control over her breasts and suddenly I felt a thrill rushing through my body when she tangled her hands in my hair for the first time, wanting to keep me in place. I smiled at her actions, though I'd never want to stop kissing… or touching her the way I was doing right now.

But suddenly it was not enough and I wanted to show her completely how she made me feel and how beautiful she truly is to me. And so I reach down, stroking her between her legs over the material of her last remaining item of clothing and when I'm tracing my finger up and down, while I'm kissing her lips again she fidgeted. And as much as I loved our tongues to dance and her hands grabbing my ass and pulling me into her I switch position and kiss her a last time forcefully before I kiss my way down forcefully, but never being rough.

Eventually I pulled her black lacy underwear aside and eventually came in contact with what I really wanted to do. I positioned myself between Arizona's legs and kissed her thighs softly and looked at her a last time into her ocean blue eyes, where I lost myself in, before I ran my tongue over her already wet spot and dipped inside her, delving deep and touching her where she ached to be touched. I tried to pleasure her as passionately and tenderly as possible, and I became turned on myself as she writhed beneath me, her hands buried in my hair, pulling me as close as possible and even I couldn't really breathe, I though continued and never stopped. Eventually orgasm overwhelmed Arizona; but I stayed there and continued to lick every part of her, kissing and stroking, wanting and needed to be a part of her as close as possible.

And when I was climbing back up so we were face to face again, kissing her intimately so she could taste herself on my lips; I knew this was what I made for. Arizona was who she was made for.

"You're amazing…" She finally said, still breathless, but willed and able to kiss me softly on my lips. And even I wanted to say the same, because tasting her and feeling her or even looking at her is the most amazing thing I've ever experienced, I am silent. Just kissing her.

All I need to do is kissing her….

**A warm bed and a cozy fire  
You put you arms around me and lift my head  
And when you kiss me…**

**Oh oh oh yeah**

I don't know how she did it, but suddenly she was on top of me, kissing me furiously and soft at the same time. Her hands were roaming over my bare skin, leaving every part she touched on fire and when her fingers crawled down my abdomen, leaving hot traces on my waist and finally on my thigh I already knew her destination.

Yet she was so slow and soft and yet she was waiting for my body to react, waiting until she sensed I was ready to take the next step. She was such a careful and sweet lover, creating a feeling in my heart I couldn't even explain. It was more than I could ever name. It was her, being a part of me.

And when a loud gasp escaped my already swollen lips she looked up into my dark yes, almost as dark as the night; and her eyes… were like stars, guiding me finally home.

Everything about her was different from all the people I went on dates, from all the people I kissed, her taste was the most unique and special; her lips were the softest I ever touched and when I kissed her it felt like her lips were just made for mine.

She was able to take my breathe away in every possible way, and when her fingers crawled up my screaming skin, screaming for her, and her eyes still locked with mine I held my breath. And I still held my breath and closed eyes when her fingers hovered right over her juicy destination.

And when she finally touched me, oh so gently, my body was aching for more.

But though I felt so sensitive and I was nervous; nervous like never before. But she was sensitive too and sensed it; and when she sensed it she came down to ne, kissing me softly, before she whispered: "You feel so good."

**I do not want to forget  
the way you look at me when everything is perfect  
****a perfect memory of when things are so good  
and everything has worked out just the way we knew it would**

A simple statement, making my heart jump; jump for her, because of her.

And then suddenly she entered me with one of her slender fingers and the whole world stopped, before it started to spin furiously. It felt strange at first, but amazing at the same time.

And when she started to move her finger, diving in and out so slowly and softly, I buried my fingernails in her shoulder blades and desperately I pulled her closer as I moaned her name and felt her lips on my neck.

I called her name out, several and several times, losing myself in the feeling only she could create.

And I came, and when I came in her arms she pressed her lips onto mine and she pressed herself into me, staying there, belonging with me, being a part of me as long as possible.

After the waves of passion and orgasm washed over I held her close and my hands found a way to her cheeks and into her hair, to hold her close, to kiss her fervently, exhausted, but filled with unlimited love and commitment.

With love, commitment and joy.

And when she starts to shudder, too, I hear words leaving her mouth; words I never heard before, coming from her.

She breathes them out in a way I almost don't hear it, but still it is there.

A soft whisper; a breeze, a faint but clear "I love you…"

**Perfect, Perfect, Perfect**

**I bought a picture frame  
I made room on the wall  
I hold you close to my chest  
Because I've made room in my heart**

Minutes we lay there silently, the room only filled with our breath, she still lies on top of me and to be exactly I don't want her somewhere else.

She looks into my eye, smiling wickedly and revealing her god damn dimples; her not being- able – to- resist- dimples. And she smiles and breathes my scent in, like I'm doing the same thing with her. And she's playing with my dark soft curls, but stops when she hears me speaking up.

"Arizona…"

She looks me directly in the eyes, questioningly, and I'm almost not willed to answer, because I'm too scared I misheard her and I just wanted to hear what I needed to hear.

"You… you said something…"

"Well… I said a lot while we where… you know…" she starts to giggle and usually I'd join her without hesitating, but I shiver, shiver because of her and the thing she might hasn't even said.

"I mean the last thing… the thing about… the thing about you… and me… and love… to be exactly… you... loving me…" I ramble frantically.

"Oh… you… you mean… was it too fast?" She looks away, like she's said something wrong, like she made the worse mistake ever.

And so I touch her cheeks quickly, forcing her to look me straight into the eyes, because there's something she needs to see, something I clung onto so desperately.

And I sigh while my lips are forming a smile.

"I love you, too." I simply say.

And it's all I need to say.

**You ask me what I'm doing  
I say displaying our love  
I can see you when I'm awake and **

**You're the one I'm dreaming of**

**Author's Note:** Okaaaayyy… I'm not so proud of this. But though I hope you like it and I'm totally looking forward to your reviews.

-Sun


	14. Confessions

**Author's Note:** Wow! Your comments made me really happy, cause I had small doubts about this Chapter. It was really hard for me to write; even it came so easily on the other side. I just wanted to give you the BESTEST, and so I'm glad and relieved you all liked it! I know we all need some happy and fluff time after the TV heart-breaking break up and the following elevator scene…. And we need a little bit fluff to support the AMAZING scene in the last nights episode! So I'm voluntarily giving it to you. But love isn't always easy and sometimes it leaves you back aching for more, desperately. So here's sth. To believe in Love =)

But enough rambling here. Rather enjoy the Chapter =)

Totally looking forward to your reviews!

Have faith in love, even it seems hopeless sometimes

-Sun

…………………………………………………………………………………………………...

**Chapter 14 ****– Confessions**

_(Calliope's pov)_

**10**

Concentrate. Just concentrate. Only a little bit.

I need to hang on.

That's what I'm trying to tell myself so desperately.

But my glance is fixated. And I can't look away.

No! Look away!

I yell.

I yell at myself.

Look down, not up, look anywhere but not there.

Don't look like you've planned it!

I look away. Somewhere. Anywhere.

But my pulse is speeding up. Racing.

Is it hot in here or am I fantasizing?

I erase a bead of sweat with the back of my hand.

I look up, but look away immediately.

Yes I'm weak, loosing an inner battle.

Damn you Calliope Torres! Blame yourself! Shame on you!

Look. Away. And concentrate!

Okay, weakness, I welcome you gradually!

And I look up.

**5**

I don't even know what they are talking about. Fixed I'm looking down on my open book, the book I guess we are discussing right now. Or at least they are discussing. I'm not doing anything. I just try to concentrate and contain myself. That's hard enough!

At least I look like I'd do anything.

Usually English literature is my favourite subject, but not now! Not now.

I look up again.

**2 ½**

It's taking so long, and it's requiring so much strength.

But I'm good. I'm doing my best. Just breathe in and breathe out…

Yes. I'm perfectly fine. I'm hardcore… Erasing another bead of sweat.

**2**

I'm badass! I'm cool and I'm hot!

I don't need to concentrate on something and put my mind on ease. I'm so badass I just let it happen. And no I'm not nervous. I'm smooth and I'm smart, I'm stunning, oh yes I am… I'm…

**1**

… horny.

That's what I am. I'm completely and honestly aching to get out of here and let her take away my horniness. Damn!

I need to get out of this room. Now.

**½ **

They are still talking, but whenever I try to listen, it's all Greek to me.

And I can't even if I wanted, because, no I'm not hardcore. I'm not badass. I'm just horny…

And I'm looking up.

**11:00 am**

My hand is in the air immediately, and I'm shaking, calling it anticipation.

"Oh Callie! Nice to see that you are enriching class! I was wondering why you are so silent today. I'm not used to that, honestly…"

No time for compliments, Mrs. Pearce, sorry.

Someone's waiting for me.

"May I powder up my nose?" I ask, I hiss, politely as I can, but when she nods I stay up, almost running like its really urgent and just say… it is…

I ran down the corridor like my life depended on it and out of breath I finally reached the girl restroom were she and I planned to meet each other at 11 o'clock. It was like a ritual after school started and we both sometimes hardly saw each other, only during the breaks or like now, during class.

When the summer vacation were over we both knew something would change, because this year she would graduate while I was going to spend a year longer than her in this institution and I didn't want to think about how school would be without her and our little sneak outs…

I got used to her so easily and I was falling for her so hard I can't imagine being without her. And school is a chance to see her almost whenever I want to.

But there are also boundaries I'd like to ignore or just forget for a minute and it's not just that I can't stay in the rest room for too long; it's also that we can't be seen together.

Not as a couple, not as two normal persons in love with each other. But also that I try to ignore when I'm rushing through the doors, hoping she's not taking too long to get here.

When I open the door I don't have to hope anymore, because hope is crossing my way and I already feel her lips on mine, assaulting them in the sweetest way.

She kisses me and pushes me against the tiling white wall and when my heated body gets confronted with coolness it's just heating me up a little bit more. But nothing could be even as hot as Arizona Robbins kissing you passionately, filled with desire and placing her hands on your cheeks while she's rubbing against you and her hands are simply playing with your hair while she's loosing herself in a simple kiss just like you are.

"Hey…" She suddenly whispers while she's ravishing my neck and I'm throwing back my head to grand her further access. My hands are never leaving her body, touching every part I can reach, leaving both of back at a place where we almost can't go back.

And while I stand there, suppressing the sighs escaping my swollen lips, I ask myself how I could live without her; the girl who captured my mind so easily, the girl who made me see love and who also made my father see that THIS is real. I don't know what she did or how, well she isn't telling me and still insisting it was his own decision, but when my dad came to apologize and asked me if she makes me happy I could offer him only one simple but for him though a very magnificent answer: "She makes me really happy!"

That was all he needed and that's what really counts, that what I think a relationship truly is: Happiness.

And besides the pain and anger you have to get through sometimes it should be only one thing: Love filled with trust, commitment, Joy, passion, desire, honesty and happiness.

And she offers me everything and every time I don't think she could give me more I look up into her blue salvation or kiss her like I do right now and I realize it's just the beginning of everything. It's just the beginning of us…

"You're hot." She suddenly says and I smile widely, intentionally. She can take my breath away like it's nothing, making me feel alive, and I don't even need to reply, cause my kiss is saying everything thousand words couldn't say… But… suddenly… oh so suddenly she pushes me against the wall again, but her body not pressed into mine – and I feel breathless and alone – without her touch – my eyes still closed.

And when I open them I wish I had kept them closed, cause I finally see what happened hear the sound of the door opening and the cheerful voice of my friend Laura.

A friend I like and cherish – but dismiss right now.

"Hey Callie! Hey Arizona!"

She greets both of us happily while I answer annoyed, and I'm not even trying to sound as half as perky and nice as Arizona is trying to, fixing her hair.

"Looks like there's a girl meeting on the second floor!" She laughs and enters the toilet cabin. Still talking. "What class you both were sneaking out?"

"English literature…" I hiss… slightly pissed. Yeah you could call it pissed.

Arizona instead is obviously nervous, rambling, trying to save the situation with her natural perky voice. "I had biology, but then I… I suddenly had to use the toilet… you know? And then I… I suddenly bumped into Calliope…" Then a nervous laugh, her head turning completely red and I'd love to kiss her right now, because she's driving me crazy.

I never thought a person could take my breath away just like that.

But I also never thought a person is as beautiful as she is, her cheeks as red as when we made love or kissed, now she was making this situation just a little bit more awkward. But Honestly I loved her even more for this and started giggling while she was sending me the death glare, hitting me on my arm.

"Funny we all meet here by accident, isn't it Calliope?" Wow, she looks really serious. Wouldn't I know how sweet she is I'd be scared by now.

"Totally…" I admit through my waves of giggles. Yeah she literally bumped into me… but not by accident…

A fidgety laugh is completing her, not so perfect, lie perfectly.

Laura, anyway, came out to wash her hands while she looked at us intentionally before she started to chuckle, like she thought of something really stupid. Something that just can't be true.

"If I didn't know it better I'd say you both had a hot make out session the way you look!" Then she laughs hysterically.

"Oh yeah! Hahahaha! Funny! So damn funny…" She's turning red again, or is she still is? But at least I can say she's totally falling in faking her laugh. "Isn't it, Calliope?"

"Yeah… hilariously funny." I reply dryly while Arizona is still giggling with her high pitched voice until she almost coughed herself to the death of embarrassment.

"So have to go again. See ya later or so, mates!" She is smiling our way like she really knows something before she leaves the room as fast as she got in here and immediately Ari starts to lean into me, searching and seeking for some sort of comfort.

"I hate it so much… I hate it to have to hide…" She breaths out desperately and tired like she spent a way too much behind close doors, without any oxygen, without anything real to survive. And I'm only half in there and a part of me is still outside this door. But I'm the only one with the key to this door and with those simple sentences she asks me to help her get out of this shallow and smoky room.

And so I just say, without her even asking, but still wanting.

"I'm going to talk to her this afternoon…"

And then I look into her eyes, sick of pretending and sick of not being able to say and show how much I love her, even in public.

And who I love is her and only her.

"You are…?" She asks me, unbelievable, but relieved surprised. First she was the one who wasn't able to tell anyone, not sure how this would be. But then it was me who couldn't stand up further more.

But now it's me, giving in and giving up everything for her if I have to.

"Yeah, I'm going to." I caress her face and kiss her one last time before I leave her behind and head of in my class room again with a smile plastered on my face.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………...

If you love someone and I mean really love someone more than anything else in your life you'll risk anything and you'll do anything for love and for the loved ones.

And you'll even try to tell someone about the person you love, someone who has really rent the best standing room on a big big tube.

So I sit there in the middle of the green grass in our schoolyard with Laura to be able to finally come out to her and with that to a whole bunch of other people.

But I'm ready, cause I know Ari is going to be there no matter what's going to be.

"Soo what you want to tell me?" She asks me after we sat down and carrying a conversation you could call a friendly small talk.

"I just… I wanted to tell you…" I cough a few times, feeling like suddenly I'm more than nervous. Because all of this is changing everything that has been. But hey I came out to my parents, how bad can that actually be?

She looks at me, frowning, and waiting… impatiently.

"Yeah?" She tries to help and after a few seconds helplessly stuttering and praying to god she found out by herself just listening to my inaudible murmuring, I finally blurt it out.

"I'm in love with Arizona."

And then something happens I never ever thought of. I imagined her being shocked, her being silent, her running away or hopefully staying and saying it's okay. But that is just something completely new.

She laughed out loud.

"I should come for what I already know?"

"You what? You… You knew? How?" I ask, now the one who is frowning and literally confused.

"Well… your postcard last year? And then you came back and you couldn't stop talking how beautiful your trip through Arizona has been. It was pretty clear you love Arizona… so why are you telling me this right now? Are you moving away? Please say you're not!"

Okay… let's talk about this big big tube going from New York to Moscow and embracing the whole world and now let's say it all belongs to her. Enough place to stand on.

"Well I have been in Arizona more than once…" I mumble and cough immediately after those words left my mouth, cause I realize what I've just said and not only thought, but fortunately she doesn't get that too and I'm able to ignore it and come finally to a point where I tried to be 5 minutes ago.

"What I actually wanted to say is… I'm in love with Arizona… And I don't mean the state…"

I can hear the wheels in her head rolling endlessly, I can smell the smoke over her head and I can see the question mark appearing in her frowning eyes.

But then, finally, her mouth drops open and she keeps staring my way.

"Arizona as in beautiful blond heart stealing and turning everybody's head Arizona? Arizona as in smart and kind Arizona? Arizona as popular and cheerleading Arizona? Arizona as in… GIRL Arizona?"

After each question she gives me time to slightly nod and finally, after the last question, she's completely quiet, her mouth still hanging open.

Yeah, that reaction I rather expected…

But then, a loud sigh, the confession sinking in audible, and suddenly she looks up, smiling.

"Okay."

I never asked her for permission and I never asked her to allow this beautiful thing between Arizona and me; but I hoped for her acceptance and her tolerance. I asked for her to sit there with me and smile, I asked for her to say whatever, just make me feel her respect. I didn't expect a speech of how great it is to hear, but all I asked for was fulfilled when she just sat there, letting me know that I'm still the same to her.

"Okay?" I ask her, ask for her reassurance, ask for her to continue smiling like that and giving me the ability to find more strength.

"Okay… I mean you're still the same crazy badass funny and hardcore girl I met 2 years ago and you're still my friend. That's really no reason to let it change now." She simply says and shrugs like it's the only normal thing to do after such a revelation. And normally it should be like that. It should be all about love and not about who you love, what gender or nationality, but only about the person. And Arizona is the most wonderful and beautiful person I've ever met, and that' exactly what everybody knows.

"Thank you…" I whisper into her ear while I'm hugging her tenderly.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………...

_(Arizona's pov)_

All your life you are misjudging people.

Either you trust someone and believe in people you shouldn't or you don't give someone a chance even it might be worth it.

And of course there are different kind of people, the ones who are trusting and the others who are simply misjudging.

I've done a very naïve thing, because I trusted and I lost. I lost my old life and got a new. But though it hurts to realize whom you trusted and how badly they betrayed you. It hurts to loose everything you once believed in, but far away from that you earn something else, another life, a better one you desperately hang on, even it means giving up something else.

When I walk in our big gym, seeing my old friends, training, I try to smile and remember how it was to be with them, laughing, training, hanging out and being popular. Being a part of something I thought of being a normal and the right thing. And it still was when I broke up with Steve, but though it changed.

It changed when they were trying to intermingle and made me do what made them look the best again. But now, after hanging out more and more with Calliope, I seem to be someone else to them…

"Hey mates!" I say out loud and wink when I'm walking up to them, already stretching and talking to each other, but not to me anymore. Instead they are silent when I finally reach them.

"Hey…" some of them reply shyly, not looking into my eyes. Anymore.

"Sooo… what are we going to do today?" I ask, trying to sound as perky as I can, even I'm shaking all over.

No one is answering and I don't know what this is. Yes, they acted strange since Calliope came into my life and changed it rapidly.

But today everything seems different, more than it already was before. And I guess that something has to be really wrong when Brenda suddenly stops training and instead walking up to me, away from the others, but near enough for them to hear anything and that's when I realize that she's just the one who is speaking for all of them.

"What's wrong?" I ask her when she keeps looking at me, seriously.

"You're hanging out with the wrong people, don't you think?" She asks like it's the easiest thing and I just needed to see that, not even being ashamed or thoughtful about what she just said. Not even thinking that she might crossed a border.

"What do you mean?"

"Since you broke up with Steve… I… we think you act a lil strange lately and we…"

"What do you want?" Slowly I feel trapped. I feel like she wants to rule me, like she did a few months ago. It feels like she wants my old self back, without even knowing who I really am, that I've never been more myself and more happy like I'm since I have Calliope in my life.

"I think it'd be better to stop seeing that girl, you know… this… this nerd you are hanging out with. You seem distanced from us and this nerd, she's a lesbian. Everyone knows that! Do you really want to hang out with someone like her? Urgh… I don't think it would be good for you."

And there are people like her who are judging without even truly knowing someone. They are judging, misjudging, thinking they know an other person just by looking at them. And I hate them… I hate them for doing this so much, because isn't life about giving chances? About accepting people just how they are? But what they are doing… it isn't supposed to be like that and I'm not supposed to be a part of this anymore.

"Good for me or good for the team?" I ask, hissing.

"Both…" She finally replies, like I've already expected. But instead of being ashamed, she is still smiling, like she has the power about everything and most of all, about me.

"Arizona, I just think…" She starts like she's really interested in my best, but she isn't and she has never been. It's good to realize and it's necessary… but nevertheless it hurts…

"No… you know what I think? I think all of you are just stupid. Stupid to think you are the greatest, the most beautiful and most wonderful people in the whole school and that no one can live without you. You are stupid and selfish, because you really think it's the truth. But this girl you were calling a nerd, she's more worth than anyone of you, because she is selfless, she knows what respect and love really means. She's not half as plastered with prejudice as you are. You don't know what life and friendship and humanity truly is, even you think you know… you don't know anything at all… And if hanging out with Calliope means I'm hanging, in your eyes, out with the wrong one… I keep doing that. Because for me. It's the only right thing to do. And in a way I feel sorry for you, cause you're not able to experience that…" I say, able to keep my voice steady and I'm happy, I'm proud about what I've done, but at the same time I feel like I've really lost my old life, like I was so stupid to trust all of them. But I walk away. I walk away from them forever.

"So what are you doing now?"

I spin around one more time, smiling.

"What does it look like?"

"So you go? We are done?" She asks, not believing what she just heard. But I'm not blinded anymore.

Love isn't making blind. It's making me see.

"We are more than done!"

And I never felt that badass before.

When I'm coming out Calliope is there, already waiting for me with a glance of confusion in her eyes when I tenderly kiss her and pressing her hard against me, never letting her go again.

"Why are you here so early?" She asks really confused, but though smiling.

"Because I love you."

It's not the whole truth, it's not telling her everything that happened inside there, but it's the only real reason. The only reason why I'm here, smiling, instead of crying, the only reason I'm who I am and the only reason why I'm a good man in the storm.

And maybe that's all I need to say right now.

It's all I need to feel… forever.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………...

_(Calliope's pov)_

It's almost like a dream, like an addiction, which was carrying me to her.

I wanted more and more and I wasn't satisfied with fewer.

I wanted her, completely, outright, well and truly, and not secretly.

If we are together, but couldn't be really together, my heart was filled with desire and wistfulness.

I want to tell everyone. I want to be able to show my feelings for her, wherever we are, whatever we are doing and whoever is seeing us and so we walk hands holding in school, laying down on the grass, hanging out with our friends while we were sitting there, holding each other and we couldn't care less about it. But even everyone looked, no one asked and so we kept going until Laura and Anna took us both aside during a break and we both realized it couldn't be like that forever…

"They start to talk about you both."

"They talk?" Arizona suddenly asked terrified while I was only listening.

"I hope you know we are both there for you and there to support you and in our eyes you are made for each other… but because of that we needed to tell you that they start to talk about you… They ask what there's between the both of you and… they ask if you are lesbians…"

"Who?" I ask, not looking up. I know this to well. The talk, the gossip and a part of me doesn't care anymore. But the other part is still mad and sad about how people can be sometimes.

Anna sighs loudly and says it exactly how it is: "Everyone"

"Everyone?" Now it was her time to gasp loudly. Yeah, we wanted to make it official, but it wasn't planned that way.

I looked at her, asking myself what exactly she thought as she was looking silently to the ground and I was scared, so scared, that this would change her so much that she maybe regretted what has been between us. Maybe this would shock her even more, because she left a lot behind. But this would mean, leaving really everything behind, her reputation, her life. Maybe she would realize she wanted to safe that.

But then she suddenly surprises me, showing me all what she ever wanted when she is looking me into the eyes intentionally before she strokes my face softly, smiling, grinning like a fool; a fool who would do anything for love.

And when her lips slowly came in contact with mine I left everything behind, too. When she kissed me the world around us stopped and all the thoughts drifted away as much as I did. And when we separated again to breathe, finally, I wanted to say so much, but I was speechless and so I waited for her to say anything at all.

"You know what, Calliope, I don't care what they think and what they say. I want to show them how it really is… I'm in love with you, undeniably, unlimited and now also irrepealably." She laughs nervously, but freely like never before, as she's tracing the paths on my skin.

"I don't care what they say or if they love or judge about us. I don't care if they call stupid things when we walk by or if they say we are not normal. I want to be with you. I'm in love with you, Calliope. So i only ask for one thing: Be with me. On the record."

I wanted to answer, find the right words, telling her the same things, but a simple kiss told her anything and set the seal on all what's been said.

"Anna, Laura… if someone is asking about us again just tell them they should ask us or just simply say: They are as gay as Elton John. Then all their questions should be answered…" And after I thank both of them I take Arizona's hand in mine and walked to our classrooms.

"Maybe all their questions are already answered…" She murmured as we recognized the masses, watching like vultures what just happened.

Yes, we already answered and with that we were finally free and we were finally real.

And leaving your old life behind never felt as good as it felt right now.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………...

(Calliope voiceover)

If you love someone, truly and entirely, you sometimes don't care what's going to happen and you just live your life and feel the love capturing your whole body.

If you love someone, passionately, madly and deeply you are giving in completely and sometimes you risk everything…

And I risked anything.

**Authors Note 2**: Sooooo small cliffhanger here…. What's going Calliope to risk?

And sorry it took me so long to update, again.


	15. Breathe

**Author's Note: **Hey my lovely readers. I feel really bad for letting you wait, but I was on a short trip and school was consummating me very very much… unfortunately… but now I've got some time to write again and even it just takes a little bit I'm going to continue of course. I hope you like that =)

All my best wishes to you

-Sun

**Chapter 15 – Breathe**

**Oh, that song is singing  
Singing in to me  
Over everything  
I used to be  
**

_(Arizona's voiceover)_

On some points in your life you think that nothing could be any better.

Sometimes it's just a moment, a simple gesture, a shared smile, a glance, a look, a touch or a brief kiss.

All oft that often means more than a thousand words, than a big surprise. Sometimes it's not a big event or something off the beaten tracks, because you realize, it's the most normal thing in the world like hanging out with your friends, talking.

It can be more special than anything else in the whole world. And after years living a wrong life, you realize it doesn't take something big to make you happy, just take in every single detail and enjoy the moment just how it is: perfect.

…...

_(Arizona's pov) _

Calliope has her arms around my torso and her head lays supported and steady on my shoulders while my hands are stroking over hers and my eyes are following everything that happens, even it's very hard to concentrate when she's butterfly kissing my neck, standing rushes and electric shocks of love and fieriness through my anticipated body, but though expecting me to behave when we are her in the middle of a bowling hall with her friends… my friends… our friends.

Easily we started to hang out and easily I started to like them and the idea of my new life. I became a real part of her life and her life became a part of mine, too.

And then suddenly, without even realizing it, they became a part of mine life.

And so we just started to hang around a lot lately, just enjoining each others company, being and acting like teenagers, taking adventures and having fun or like this evening: meeting at the bowling station to satisfy the ego and macho trip of our male company… or Calliope's who is already winning with her magic smile, if she's taking away all nine or not.

And of course she was always hotter than usual when she made a goal… and I was the one who got all her hotness. Strike! How I love playing bowling.

Yeah and she liked to tease me a lot how good she is and… how bad I am… But still I've got something she wants: me…

That's a tease!

**Oh, that song is singing  
Singing into me**

And when we stand there she almost can't keep her hands off of me, even if we are in public. Honestly I hate the offended glances, the shamefully look they're sending our way, but it never felt so good to be stared at, because it's her and I am finally shameless.

The comfortable Calliope got the comfortable I felt.

I just needed to be sure she's with me, all the way, no mater what they are saying, no matter how they look at us or if they judging us and our relationship.

No one of them knows what we have and when I look at them sometimes I feel even sorry for them and I even feel sorry for my old friends, because they are never going to see how it is to feel free and to be finally able to do what you want. I always felt captivated like a bird in a cage, looking beautiful, being listened to, because of your beautiful voice and your stunning look, but you are not being really listened to ever.

You don't know what freedom means until you breathe the fresh air for the first time and you've got it in front of your eyes.

And freedom means for me watching Calliope walking up to her friends, laughing, beaming, while I'm listening to some stories of her best friend Jordan who I am making friends with.

Freedom means being separated from her, but still feeling her all over me and her glances on my skin, leaving fresh marks for the world to see.

And when we are all sitting there, taking a small break of bowling, the asking round is starting again, like the last times before. Under the table I hold Calliope's hand for her reassurance, and honestly I am kind of scared. I'm scared, because they want to know who their best friends is in love with, and I want them to like me for sure. Calliope is always excusing for them but for me it's okay. In a way it is… but some questions are scary.

Yeah, sometimes there are questions you don't want to answer… or you simply don't get…

"So you and Callie already draw a picture together?"

Okay this kind of question I never heard before and while I'm frowning, because I really don't know what's going on, trying to catch a glimpse of what Jordan really means, Calliope is coughing, almost spitting out her drink and also Betty, his girlfriend, doesn't seem to be so amused about that question. But everyone else is laughing, shamelessly.

"Don't you think that's a lil bit rude, Jordan?" Anna asks, chuckling, while I'm still asking myself what's going on here.

"No, don't think so… just a normal question…" he replies, smiling wide as he is leaning on the table, looking at me like everyone else.

**Oh that weight is lifting  
Lifting on me  
It carries me  
Out to the sea  
And swallows me  
And swallows me  
And swallows me**

Calliope's still coughing, trying to catch her breath.

"What… What do you mean?" I finally ask, perplexed what's exactly going on.

"Well…" And then the explanation starts. "my lil sis hangs out with us a lot, when I need to babysit her… and so we just found another word for having… you know." Betty nods, waiting for the final sparkle to overleap; talking like her lil sis is here with us.

And the way she's nodding like the others, the way they are all looking my way with their eyes wide with anticipation as Calliope is trying to contain herself, hoarse from coughing, but breathing a "Don't have to answer", I finally get the "drawing pictures" part.

"Well, uh," I look at Calliope, helplessly, asking for help, but before she's able to say something it's Jordan who's speaking up again.

"Oh come on, don't be shy. It's just us… I mean… the way you are looking at each other, mentally undressing one another… That's obviously. Come on, just tell us!"

I'd have said that's a lil bit too much to share, something I only want to share with her, but I already got they are very close, talking about everything, also about their sex life like it's nothing big. But I want to keep it a secret between her and I. I want to let it be something special, something that we do, only with each other, only staying between us and I want to let it stay something special between us just like it is and should be.

"I don't think I can…"

"Oh come on! Don't be prude, Arizona!"

I look up into Calliope's eyes after Jordan were interrupting me again and when I look a her I fall in love a little bit more, just when she's biting her lips, letting me know that she's trusting me completely, no matter what I'm going to say or do.

And so I turn around, smiling, like I'm telling the biggest secret I kept for a long time.

"Well… Just let's say… when we are drawing pictures… we are always drawing over the lines."

I simply state, grinning like a fool who realised that the love he always searched for finally belongs with him. It belongs with me. And I look at her seductively while everyone is bursting out in laughter and no eyes are kept dry. Even Calliope laughs proudly, kissing my lips softly before she's whispering: "Wide over the lines." Only for my eyes to hear.

And when I looked her into the eyes I saw a clear fire arising in her eyes, a fire burning and waiting only for me to see and it were only for me to sparkle.

She smiled my way, her lips as red as wine, and I know, because of the look plastered on her face, that she wants me desperately. She wants me as much as I want her.

An endless passion in our eyes, capturing our bodies like our thoughts and sometimes it just needs a short glance or a simple touch to startle this heart.

And when I say: "Now I need to go for little girls…" with an evil grin plastered in my face, I couldn't oversee hers, waiting to be only seen by me. And this time I decided to not let her wait for me.

…...

_(Calliope's pov)_

**Into the deep  
And comforts me  
And comforts me  
In, into the deep  
**

There are a lot of things I love about her.

I love her character and how kind, lovely and perky she is. I love how she manages to cheer me up however I'm feeling. Then there's her cuteness and her pouting.

I should hate it, cause it makes me weak, it makes me doing everything she wants.

But I love how she makes me weak. I love her smile and I love her dimples and I love her grin and how she always trying and always managing to seduce me. And I love how she always surprises me and how I never get bored around her.

I love that she knows when I say two sugars I actually mean three.

I love how she makes me feel, how she makes my heart jump and my skin burn when she's touching me.

I love how special she makes me feel and that she gave up her old life for me. I love everything about her.

How she looks right now or how cute she's when she's sleeping and lightly snoring. I love how you hear her murmuring during sleep if you listen intentionally and I love how she seems to always dream of me.

I love how she made me perky and how she looks like after she took a shower or each time after we made love. I love the sweaty strands of her hair, gluing on her forehead, which I have to stroke away.

And I love how we make love. I love how she kisses me and touches me at the right places like no one ever before. I love how she's reacting when she's reading a book and her eyes, mouth and faces reflecting what's happening exactly.

I love how she's still watching Winnie Puh and other children series, justifying herself with the excuse that she wants to work with children someday.

I love how her ho breath caress my skin, in the night, or when she lays on top of me, breathing in my skin and lighting my body.

And I love… that she loves me.

But most of all I love how she reads my mind, how he knows everything about me, about how I feel and what I think just by looking at me. When she looks at me right now, smiling, like no one else can see us in this room and when she suddenly stands up I need to contain myself for not standing up right away to follow her. I let her wait 3 more minutes and I try to listen to my friends who keep making jokes about what she just said, but with my mind I'm already with her.

"Ready for another round?" Anna asks and frees me out of my thoughts while the others are already standing up to start another game.

"Actually I have to go to the toilet, too."

I reply with a dirty grin on my lips and not like she's reading my mind she says: "Take your time." Right before she's laughing and I'm finally standing up.

…...

_(Arizona's pov)_

**Into the deep  
And comforts me  
And comforts me  
In, into the deep  
And comforts me  
And comforts me  
And comforts me  
**

When Laura, the only friend I kept from my past, first asked me, if it's really worth going through all of this and leaving everything behind I once called my life for one person, I just smiled her way and I thought about what to answer, before I opened my mouth again and words filled the room.

"I'll just tell you what I love about her, okay, because I think it explains everything… I love her dark hair and her olive skin and how our bodies seem to be so differently, though we are connected deeply like nothing else in my small world. I love her big smile and how her eyes seem to sparkle when she decides to enriching the world with her smile. I love how my body is reacting to a simple touch and how I am on fire when she kisses me… I love how she pushes me into the sky, how she let me stain in her hands and how my knees get weak and I almost stumble whenever she's with me. I laugh how she makes me laugh and how she's looking my way. I adore her, because she saw me, the real me, who I am and not how I should be, how people want me to be. She understands me… and I adore everything about her.

I need her like Beethoven needs his compositions and how Schumann needs his piano and how Adam needed Eva, no matter what was happening. I need her like the desert needs the water, the sun needs the moon and the river needs the raindrops. But most of all I just need her around me saying everything without words or saying nothing at all… just being. Simply us.

I love how she kisses me goodnight, how she holds me through the night and kisses me when morning comes.

But most of all I love how she found me…

So if you really love someone… you'd give everything up."

After a long pause, silence is encircling us, but though I know whatever she's going to say there's someone already waiting for me… and I hope it's her… being there forever, waiting for me each single day. She was looking away, thoughtful, before she looked at me, suddenly nodding.

"I guess it's worth it."

Nodding, before she was smiling, just like me.

"It is."

Love is nothing you can choose, that's what I learned, it's how you feel and what you really love about someone. Love isn't a definition; it's a feeling, a deep desire to love and to be loved, a deep desire for each other.

We can't put love into a drawer and bury it there and hope it'll subside and fit in.

Love is free, and my love is there … waiting for her, staying with her.

And when she walks up to me after letting me wait a way too long and giving me time to think about what has been, how far I've come and what's going to be in the future. When she walks up to me, I want to kiss her. Kiss her like never before and let her know, make her feel, with one single kiss, what I feel.

She walks up to me, beaming and barely our lips touched, I'm melting in this kiss, with her, because of her.

…...

_(Calliope's pov)_

Her lips attacked mine, melting like butter on a hot toast, melting like I was hovering right in the front of the sun, not believing you could survive this without burning.

Her lips are gracing mine just a few seconds after I saw her leaning against the wall, where she waited for me and just for me. I couldn't even say a word before she forced her body and her lips forward, forcing me to press myself into her, where she needed me the most. She placed her mouth on mine, slipping her tongue in before I could even react and quickly the kiss developed after hours without being able to kiss her like that, passionately, deep and long.

**Slow and sweet  
It carries me  
Carries me  
Out to sea  
**

"Hmmm… I love it when you kiss me like that…" She whispered in my ears as my lips left hers to crawl slowly and almost painfully seductive to her left ear and to her neck where I ravished the exposed flesh. And I love how she whispers breathlessly, almost moaning gently, a breeze of her words caressing my skin and soaking into my ears.

It's hard for me to control myself and behave the way I should, because just a wall and a long corridor are separating us from all the other people in the bowling hall. But maybe that's so intoxicating, beside her, what keeps me kissing and touching her secretly. Still I've got left enough self control to keep myself away from her, before it's too late and we can't stop anymore. But for her the point is already gained within minutes touching freely and tasting each other.

"I can't wait to touch you…" I say in a hush, only for her ears to recognize.

And then suddenly a smirk is crossing her pink and lightly swollen lips.

"Why wait?" I can hear the grin plastered on her face, just by closing my eyes and listening to her almost smoky voice. Before I'm able to react she grabs my hand, the hand I had on her ass, leading it to a place I which I could enclosing with my mouth. But when she orders my hand with her, surrounding it, crossing the line of her waistband where know she wanted to be touched badly, the hot atmosphere is not helping one of us. And even I felt my own heart, body and clit pulsating to the sound of her sharp breath.

I don't want to, but though I say: "Hmm… umm… baby… we have to… stop… now" in between her kisses, just after she captured my lips in a heated kiss, moaning into my mouth so my knees buckle and I think I almost explode right away.

Oh no… she shouldn't do… **that**. My mind is reeling and I can't focus anymore, I almost forget where we are exactly when I suddenly feel the soft fabric of her underwear under my fingertips, stroking it lightly, feeling the wetness, a wet moisture instantly collected with my fingers as she moaned into my mouth, deeply, sucking my tongue.

**Slow and sweet  
It carries me  
Carries me  
Out to sea  
And swallows me  
Into the deep  
And comforts me  
And comforts me  
**

And when she touches my ass to press myself into her I don't think I could ever stop touching her that way, diving deep into the feeling she creates in my body; waves of ecstasy and pleasure. She kisses me, her cheeks red and her forehead graced by sweet pearls as I'm diving through her wet folds, ignoring where we are, passing by the fabric of her underwear and I try to be as close to her as it's possible.

I stroke her clit with my finger, fast and strong and then slow, but never letting her go. I kiss her deeply to suppress her loud moans and feel her satisfaction clearer when she bites down on my lip. She stops grabbing my ass and instead her hands are on my shoulders, clinging onto me when her knees buckle and I'm there to catch her.

I press her hard against the wall while I enter her deeply with two fingers making her moan even louder and sigh against my neck. Her eyes are closed just like mine and a fire is rushing through our bodies at the same time, arousal is building up like never before and we both have to control ourselves to not scream each others names.

I never felt so turned on without being touched, but only touching. I only need to feel her, to touch her, to hear her gasp for air, to listen to her none existing breath and her soft moans and sighs.

"Calliope… don't stop… please don't stop"

My Name is like a melody I longed to listen to coming from her lips as she's waiting for the ecstasy and orgasm to wash over. She holds on for dear life and we become one when we both feel the same feeling, the most intimate thing in the whole world. And when she crumbles, held from me, held by me and jointed again in my arms she whispers a soft "I love you."

A soft "I love you" I long to hear forever, again and again. A soft I love you I long to hear hours later…

…...

_(Arizona's pov)_

When we get back to the others hands in hand they smile knowingly, although they know nothing at all.

We sit down on the rows, watching them play, my stands supported on her knees, caressed by her hands; the hands I still feel inside of me. We just spent the most intimate moment, but though I can't have enough of her. The way she looks at me, the fire still burning in her eyes, as she kisses me shortly, but softly. I never get tired to kiss her, to look at her, to touch her briefly, no matter where we are.

We kiss again, only administrating each others presence, when we suddenly hear a voice we know too well.

"Take a room!" Everyone laughs, taking it as a joke, the way Jordan meant it, but for Calliope and me it's a perfect possibility. She looks at me, frowning, asking if I think the same. My answer is a wide grin, nodding furiously.

"You want?" She asks to be completely sure and I nod again.

"Absolutely…" I reply right before we stand up, excusing ourselves, telling them it was a great night, but we'd love to spend some time alone. Of course it's Jordan who is turning everything into a joke, but I couldn't care less. I smile like a genius, laughing, taking her hand in mine as we walk out of the big room. But just as we want to leave the bowling centre and get to my dad's car she turns around, telling me she forget something in there, asking me to wait.

But I smile her way, telling her I could get the car already and I never thought those words and a few steps to my car could change everything… Everything I once knew.

**Breathe up to me  
Breathe up into me  
Breathe out through me  
Breathe into me  
**

If I had known who waited for me I would have never walked to my car. I would have turned away and run back for dear life. I wouldn't have smiled the way I'm doing right now. I would have screamed for help, I'd have yelled for her, never following me. But I first realized the dark creature, when I heard his voice, talking to me.

"Ari…" His dark and smoky voice is loud and I turned around, shocked and surprised, my heart pounding furiously in my chest, my eyes wide open.

"Steve…" I reply with my mouth going dry. I haven't seen him, haven't seen him beside of school since I broke up and everyone knew Calliope and I are a couple.

I have never seen him looking at me like that, with anger gracing his iris.

"What… What… are you doing here?"

I can't banish the fear out of my words; neither can he banish the furious.

"I wanted to hang out with my friends…" It's the first time I recognize the 4 guys, standing there around me, watching me.

"… but then I saw you two… and I thought we should talk, Ari."

"About what…?" He comes nearer and I take a step backwards even I know I can't hide myself from him.

"About us, Ari… About how you let her touch you, Ari… Yeah… Yeah… I saw you there…" his voice is so dark and so strong my whole body is shivering, and when he grabs out for my ankle, pushing me nearer, I'm scared I'm going to break under his touch. I never felt so helpless and fearful in my whole life.

I can't breath. Not when he's around. He's like fuel and he takes my breath away in the worse way.

I can't… I can't… breathe…

**Oh breathe out through  
Through me  
Why don't you breathe in  
Breathe into me  
And breathe out  
Through me**

His touch is so rough and his hands filled with rage.

"You never let me touch you that way… you never touched me that way, Ari… I think that's not fair… She's a dirty lesbian. You want to be like her? You could give us a try. Oh yes, I could touch you there. You'd like it. Come on, let me touch you there." His dirty hands are crawling down my stomach, leaving burning trades of abuse and hate, of want and vengeance.

I try to free myself as tears are running down my cheeks and I'm pleading. I'm pleading like a small child, his grasp bruising my milky skin, letting it look a battlefield.

"Let… me go… please… Steve… let me go…" I whisper, because my voice is not able to be heard.

"What are ya saying?"

"Let me go…" I reply, though not looking him in the eyes. I just can't.

"Look at me…" He says, saying it once again, this time yelling. But I can't… I can't look him in the eyes, knowing he won't let me go.

And all I can think of is Calliope and her beautiful smile and her dark comforting eyes.

All I can think of is her embrace and how she's gently caressing my skin.

All I can think of is her love when I feel his fists collecting with my jaw and feeling a sharp pain flooding through my system.

"You stupid bitch… I gave you everything! Everything you could ask for! And what are ya doing? Getting laid by a dirty lesbian for fucking's sake. You know what you deserve. You deserve to get laid by a real man. A man like I am!"

He's roughly touching me and I cry out in despair. . I cry out for help before she's trying to make me shut up and I can't believe that his friends are standing there, watching him touching me, watching him hitting me hard.

It's only a voice I long to her, but I want to run away to stay safe, who's filling the air now.

"GET YOUR DIRTY HANDS AWAY FROM HER, SMITH!" She yells loudly and that's when he leaves me, falling to the ground, but promising to get back to me.

She's standing there, her eyes filled with disgust and rage like I have never seen her before.

I am scared and I don't feel my own hurt limbs anymore.

I want her to save me, but most of all I want her to save herself.

I want her to run away and get help. I want her to get away as fast as she can, before he's tying up his hate for her. It's her I'm scared about. It's her I'm scared for.

"Oh… look who's there… the golden hero, what?" He says laughing.

"If you want to call me like that, I don't give a damn. Just fuck off, Steve and take your friends with you."

The grin appeared from his face, replaced by the glance of the evil.

Don't. Don't. Don't… please don't.

"You think you could make me go?" A simple question, a hard answer.

Don't. Don't… go… go away… just run away.

She looks my way, her eyes so hard and strong, but soft when she looks my way. She even tries to smile for me and give me hope in a situation you can't escape. Her eyes are filled with love and reassurance right before she's looking at him, looking at him with animosity.

"I'd say… fuck off and leave us alone." She simply says, with a stoniness I never heard before.

And when she stands up for me and for us; and when she's trying to save me, the world is turning up side down so quickly I almost can't react.

**Oh, that song is singing  
Singing in to me  
Over everything  
I used to be**

The World turns upside down when I hear her gasp, because he hits her. He hits her in the face, in the stomach. He hits her and never let go off of her until she's on the ground. She tries to fight. She tries to fight so desperately and I scream. I scream out for dear life. I stand up, although it hurts everywhere.

I stand up and try to run to her. I cry out for her.

A hundred. A thousand times.

I scream. Desperately.

I cry. Hopelessly.

I try to reach her. I try to help her as much as I can, but I can only listen and try to fight them when his friends hold me away. Keeping me away from her.

Red colour.

I scream out.

For help.

Blood. I cry louder and louder.

It's hers, gracing the dirty ground where she lies onto.

I call out her name. And help. HELP.

HELP.

OVER and over AGAIN.

Desperately. Madly. Helplessly. Almost Deadly.

Dead. She's going to die if I'm not doing anything. She can't.

No.

HELP!

I bite him in the hand and I run up to her. I run without even moving forward. His hands are around my torso again and before I realize what's happening I feel the hard ground beneath me. I feel my head collecting with the dirt.

Help. Again and Again. Leaving my mouth.

Now a small whisper. A plead. A small and soft plead, asking for someone to be heard.

I see her. One last time. I saw what she did. I saw what love made to her.

I feel it. I feel love rushing through my veins as I close my eyes.

Almighty Love and overwhelming, irrepressible fear.

Live. Survive. For me.

Love. Go on. Survive. For me.

For me… and for you…

…...

_(Arizona's voiceover)_

And on some days the best day turns out to be the worst of your life and you keep on holding, for dear life, on to that unique feeling you had before… But it's all gone so suddenly and you're in the middle of something you can't escape as easily and fast as you got captured.

And the only thing that's leaving your mouth is a word, a breath, almost a whisper…

"Help…"

**Oh, that song is singing  
Singing in to me  
Over everything  
I used to be**

**Author's Note 2**: Sorry again for letting you wait that long. I feel really bad about that =/ But I'm trying my best to continue as fast as I can! Reviews are always appreciated. The used song is known from Grey's Anatomy : Cinematic orchestra – Breath.

Thanks for waiting and reading!

-Sun


	16. Life being what it is

**Authors Note:** Okaaaay I knew I wouldn't make friends with writing this sort of ending…. And I was right! *snort* Sorry for putting you through this, but if it makes you feel better, I felt the same way actually writing it. I'm always there, writing drama and the angst stuff, because unfortunately life isn't always great. Sometimes life being what it is… But we have to get through this… we have to fight… And there's always hope… isn't it? I try to express these sorts of little lessons in each single Chapter.

At least I hope now that you are going to enjoy the next Chapter.

The song is by Kaki King "Life being what it is"… Enjoy. Warning though: I changed a few parts so it'd fit better.

All my best wishes to you, no matter what's happening

-Sun.

**Chapter 16**** – Life being what it is**

**I**** put a note in your pocket,  
said be good to yourself,  
but that was all.**

_(Arizona's voiceover)_

The future is something we can not plan completely.

We can say what we wish, we can dream and we can hope. We are spending our days believing one day its better or if you're life is perfect you actually believe it's going to stay like that forever.

The future holds surprises; it surrounds you suddenly, capturing your whole body… sometimes it's a wonderful feeling. But you can't be sure. You can never be sure of tomorrow or next week… next month or next year. You can't be sure…

Because your life, how it was, can end each single day. It can end easily, always… Always.

Because life being what it is…

**Life being what it is****,  
we all dream of revenge.  
Open your eyes for a second,  
just to roll them at me.  
**

_(Arizona's pov)_

When I was a little girl I spent a lot time with my family and it never stopped to be like that. I've always been a family type of girl and when I looked up to my mom and dad I always knew I wanted to have a family on my own. But most of all it was a marriage I wanted.

For me there couldn't be something better than marrying in a beautiful white dress and long blond shining curls. There couldn't be something better than marrying the person I love.

I always believed in marriage and commitment like I believed that you can find the end of a rainbow just by following it. I believed in marriage like I was sure that you need the air to breathe and survive. When I get older and when met Steve… Marriage was not something I believed in. I didn't even believe in real love anymore. I just let it be and started to believe that maybe it is like that… that maybe love is nothing special, but simple preparation and you have to follow it. I gave up everything I always thought of, I always believed in… I wasn't who I am anymore…

When I met her, I met myself again. I found out who I am just by looking at her, just by gracing her lips, just by being with her, held by her.

When she looked me in the eyes and told me that she loves me for the first time I knew it was her I waited for.

When she kissed me and fought for me while I forced myself into an opposite direction where I never wanted to be, a position without her, I knew she was the one I wanted to be with.

I knew it was her when her hands found its way to my body, caressing every inch and every part of my skin and of my soul.

The way she looked at me – hypnotizing me, looking right through me, reading me like an open book. I never let people read my sites, but for her I opened this book, showed her the filled and smoky but bright pages and let her space to fill the rest. She knows me better than anyone else.

And how she loved me…

I remember an afternoon after I had a day from hell, loosing my friends, having fights, my exams and the future right in front of me, working hard, but sometimes effortless, I told her she should wait for me. I told her I'd take a shower and come right back to my bed where she was waiting for me.

I asked her not to go with me, because as much as I love her I couldn't let her touch me without breaking. I told her to leave me alone, because I needed to cry.

I felt the tears in my eyes long before I even came home. I felt an overwhelming power forcing me to scream, to cry, to loose myself. Just a second… Just a minute… A simple moment where the world needed to let me go and I could crumble with no one else to see.

I could come back wearing this dimple smile again like an old and dirt shirt I was tired of wearing, tired of presenting, tired of looking at it in my own mirror image, knowing how false this is.

One in a time I wanted to let go, I wanted to hide myself from anyone, even from Calliope.

As much as I needed her as much I wanted to protect her and never le her see how hard it sometimes was for me.

So I hide myself away from anyone, only myself in a blank and cold place, only the hot water cascading down my naked and exposed body, leaving trades on my skin.

I cried, endlessly.

I cried because I lost everything I knew, I cried because I fought with my brother about his wish to be a soldier, I cried because I fought with my father who wanted me to be a part of his dreams too… I fought…

Because I was going away and I cried, because I'd leave… _leave_…

The person who made me go on… _made me go on_…

The person who gave me anything I needed to survive… _Everything_…

She didn't even know and she still doesn't know anything about the future.

So I cried for love, because of love…

I stood there what felt like hours, the water pearls intermingling with the witness of my pain.

I tasted the salt and it tasted like blood.

But suddenly I felt arms around me. Strong arms and a strong mind keeping me away from falling.

I didn't even hear how she entered the room, how she undressed herself and came in, but all that counted was her naked body pressed against my back, giving me strength just how we were.

Both naked, giving ourselves away. This time, standing here, naked as we came.

Although it was nothing sexual, but pure comfort, compliance and compassion when we stood there; when we laid in my bed in front of each other only our limbs and hands slightly touching.

My eyes were diamonds, crystal blue, and her eyes as dark as the night and as wide as the evening sky.

She didn't even ask me what's wrong. She simply waited. Waited for me to say something, to open myself up to her. But I couldn't say anything.

It wasn't the right time… not now… not later, maybe never.

Though she was the only one I opened myself up to. For me… she would always be and I never hesitated to say "Forever".

It was her I wanted to be with. Now and Then.

And still it's her I see myself with in the future.

It's her… _her_… and it's going to be always her.

But over it is.

Over it will be from now on.

**I stare straight into the sun,  
something to concentrate on.**

(6_ hours ago)_

Describe pain to a little child. It's as worse as describing death.

What's pain?

I explained pain being a part of suffering, mentally or physically.

I'd say you could explain it as the stimulation of the receptor cells of the peripheral nervous system, or by damage to or malfunction of the peripheral or central nervous systems.

It's easy to explain if you listen intentionally during bio class. It's always easy to explain things. But how is it to feel it on your own?

I explain it. Logically.

I feel it. Painfully.

Eyes open, light flashing through my still half closed eyelids. Hurting. The light is hurting. In my eyes.

My eyes are focused, looking into a white light, at a white wall. Painfully bright.

Whiteness. White… Where am I? I don't know this. This feels wrong. Where am I?

Eyes are running around. Lost. I look around. Where am I?

God. What happened?

I rise up, too fast. Pain rushing through my veins. Head hurting and pounding as heavily as my heart. I feel trapped.

Where… Where am I? Am I alone?

I look around. Searching for her eyes. Alone.

Brown? White! Nothing to see. No real contrast.

Head is still pounding. Painfully.

Then I recognize a face. I'm not alone. Not alone. But it's not her… not…

"Where's Calliope?" I touch my head, felling a ragged bandage; my world is not standing still.

I stand up, ignoring everything around me. Ignoring her hands on my shoulders, trying to press me back into the bad. Ignoring the bonds of ache.

"She's here too, in the same corridor. You can see her when she wakes up, but Arizona you need to lay down now. You have a concussion. You are hurt. Lay back and I'm informing you whatever is going to happen, right?" I sit still, looking into her eyes, my blond dirty hair caressing my cheeks. I look into her worried eyes. Not as horrified and worried as mine. But she cares. She cares a lot.

"Let me go, Anna. Go OFF!" I don't want to scream at her. But still I do, while I'm stumbling out of the bed. I ignore her pleadings. I ignore the pain and how hard it is for me to walk. I ignore the pounding in my head. I ignore anything while I'm stumbling through the room. Stumbling through the corridors with her at my side I plead… just dryly and hard, painfully and whispered.

"Where? Where... WHERE? Please… where is she…"

She leads me, tries to give me strength and the ability back to walk. She's walking me up to her room to see what I shouldn't see. She should lay in my arms on a Sunday morning. The sheets still warm and we are both lying there, with no where to go, except of each others company.

But there she lays. Her eyes closed, completely.

The machine is making noises. Loud noises.

The machine is working. Pumping life into her lifeless body.

She should be able to do it for herself. She should breath. Her eyes open. She should smile my way and her eyes should be open wide, smiling my way like she used to be. But there's nothing… only her small figure, loosing the entire colour in her face. She's white. As white as the colour of this room.

**You would do anything,  
you'd give up everything,  
****for God knows why.  
**

And in tail motion I move into this room, the atmosphere of pain and sorrow almost killing me. She shouldn't lie here. She shouldn't lie here for me, because of me.

It weren't mine hands which ripped her apart and placed her in this bed, but though on my hands are blood, tasting like salt pearls.

I almost can't move, but though I walk up to her, stumbling, almost rumbling through this blank chamber.

But I move forward, slowly, tears streaming down my face and when I grab her ice cold hands I can't believe how life can judge over people, over good and bad, over kind and stupid and cruel…

I can't believe why she is here and not me. Not him. Not the ones who did this to her…

I did this to her…

"I'm sorry, Calliope. I'm sorry."

It's a whisper, a gentle but aching breeze as I'm taking her hand to my lips, kissing her, waiting for a response. Free of charge… for nothing.

I sit down for an hour or two, my limbs are tired and my body is cold. Cold as her hand and lifeless as her features. I wait for something to happen.

But not for his voice to enter my world. My world which was only concentrated on her.

"5 ribs are broken." He says and I look up, recognizing it's him, standing there for god knows how long.

"She has a small concussion and heavy bruises, spread and distributed on her whole body."

My eyes are filled with tears again, following the trades of my dried one.

"She was lucky that her broken ribs didn't cause a pulmonary embolism. But though she wasn't waking up and she's still not waking up. And we don' know why. And you know why all of this happened?"

His voice is low; even I know he'd like to scream, his head turning read with despair.

"You. Because of you." His voice is shaking. Shaking like everything around me.

I knew it yet, but hearing it is another thing.

"I… I'm… I'm sorry…" I say in a whisper. A hush. My voice never sounded that shallow and desperate.

"Don't you dare to say:' I'm sorry' now. Because it doesn't make her healthy again. She's not waking up, because of you saying you're sorry. I only want you to leave. NOW. You are no going to see her ever again. You understand? Because it was you who did this to my daughter. Because of your relationship she lays here." I never thought his would happen. I knew I'd mourn. I knew I'd do anything to make her forgive me, make her see that I never wanted this to happen.

I tried to speak up. I tried to find my way back to her hands. I pleaded and I fought for her. But in the end I realized this was an endless war with me fighting without winning.

He was right. Maybe he was right…

And I stumbled out of the room, anywhere, where I couldn't be seen and wouldn't be found.

And I crumbled, because I couldn't be without her…

And this time she wasn't there to hold me.

**And if you turn it on you'll find,  
I've written you a thousand times.**

Sitting on a rooftop, being so near to the darkening sky, so close to the still burning sun and seeming to be so far away from the world, from life.

When I looked down everyone seemed to be so far away from me and I am so far away from real life, from my present and my future without her. I looked down and it was so far away that I almost believed that life is so far away that maybe there's a chance that it isn't real.

But it's real when I hear her voice entering me small world, finding the place where I hide myself from the world. I look around; hearing her velvet song in my ears, but when I turn around it isn't her.

"I've searched for you." Anna says, walking up to me in slow motion.

"And I've tried to hide." Honesty.

"I've heard about it…" she breathes desperately like she can't believe what happened to the world around her and I can't believe what happened to me.

Silence is filling the night air, surrounding me so tightly I almost can't breathe.

Then she's breaking through my own built barrier again.

"You should go to her…" It sounds so easy, falling from her lips, but it isn't. Is it ever going to be easy and right to see her again?

"You say it like it's the easiest thing to do…" I'm laughing dryly, looking away from her worried and sad eyes.

"It is, Arizona. You just have to let it be that easy. She's already awake… and she asked for you…"

Listening to her voice I can't breath. My heart is jumping the way my head is pounding. I feel sick, but though like flying. She's save… Not with me, but though she's alive and that's all what counts.

"She better not… she's better off without me…" Dryly these words leave my mouth, building a trade of my deepest fear. I always thought we both needed to be together to feel complete. I always believed it'd be that way… Always… but now it feels like a lie. Like she's really better off without me.

"Don't you dare to say that! You are made for each other for god's sake! You really care about what he says? You would give up anything you had with her just because of what her father said?"

I look into her dark turning eyes, filled with rage, fighting a war I gave long up.

"You are stupid if you do that, because, Arizona, because when she woke up, the first thing she asked for was you… When her father tried to calm her down she wasn't stopping. She asked for you a thousand times, she went crazy without you and you are desperate without her. Why are you doing this to both of you? You know this is not right. Not how it should be. You both need each other, except of standing here you should stand by her side. Holding her hand again, looking her way like you always do. You should realize that you were made to be with her, no matter what's going to happen… because she knows it, too."

I look away again, not able to look into her eyes directly when my world is turning upside down.

Sometimes it's too hard to believe that there's a future for you, shining bright, hovering right in front of your eyes. You keep running away, because of the fear you might fall if you dare to fight.

Sometimes you blame yourself for things you could have never prevent from happening. But though it's so easy to blame yourself instead of somebody new. You listen to hard words and you take them for granted and real, no matter what's the truth.

And sometimes there's someone to wake you up, to make you see where you're heart truly belongs, something you already knew but couldn't believe in. And she showed me that it's never too late.

Anna is still there, waiting for me to respond while I'm diving into silence.

Silence is something wonderful, healthy and often necessary.

But it's also important and helpful to know when to break it and word up.

"Would you mind to walk me up to her room?"

She hesitates until her lips are suddenly forming a wide smile, until she's nodding reassuringly.

This is it.

It's the right thing to do.

**I just can't stay till you're gone,  
I won't wish you well,  
I won't see you off,  
I won't try to call,  
if I see you in my mind,  
I'll say to you,  
its not your fault.  
**

My whole body is shaking when I enter her room with a broken heart, feeling ashamed and sorry. I see her lying in that bed, her eyes finally opened up and filling the world with her grace and amenity again.

She looks so thoughtful, so sad and unkind as she's fixated on the walls. She looks so helpless and broken until she looks up, right into my eyes.

I always thought it's magical how we both can be easily captured by each others eyes. We only need to look at each other and we see right through each other, reading each other's mind. I know how she feels just by loosing myself in her brown and tears filled orbs.

I walk up to her, without saying anything, because my mouth is dry and I already wear my heart with me. I open the sites of my book just for her.

I take her hand in mine, kissing her palm right before I'm looking up, a smile finally appearing on my lips. She smiles back, though hers seems so tired, but filled with love.

Like a normal movement, so known and capturing for both of us, my lips are moving to hers, slightly touching her full lips, showing her that I'm here, whatever is going to happen.

When I lay my head down in the crook of her neck to breath in her scent she whispers soft words, letting me know that she realizes early how I feel about this, but that nothing is going to change her feeling for me.

"It's not your fault…" It's more a breeze, surrounding me softly as I lay down at her side. Maybe that's not allowed to do but we both couldn't care less right now.

She's mine and I'm hers for everybody in this world to see.

And I am going to fight every war and every battle if I can be with her… all my life.


	17. Now and Then and Today

**Author's Note: **I'm so sorry my Chapter took so long, but I had a strongly inflammation in my right hand what means I could only write a few lines per day. But here I am… The next Chapter is here. And it's the last part of "You're the one I'm dreaming of – part b". So now the next most important part and I suppose the longest is following: Part c. I hope you're looking forward to it like I want to write it =). Thank you for reading this no matter how long I need and thank you for always reviewing! I'm so glad to have such wonderful people with me! The lyrics underlining special scenes were now: Tegan and Sara – Nineteen and a part of Tegan and Sara –Welcome Home.

All my best wishes to you,

Sun

**Chapter 17 – Now and Then and Today**

She had her eyes deeply closed while her chest moved up and down, slowly, like calmly rising waves in the dark blue ocean.

Her hair was gracing her face like the sun is gracing the blue sky. Her lips were lightly red just like my favourite colour. Everything about her is my favourite one. My favourite place to stay, my favourite smell, my favourite colour, my favourite way to move, my favourite look, my favourite glance, my favourite way to smile, my favourite everything.

When she sleeps, while I'm already awake I stay at her side and I watch her deeply, loosing myself in thoughts, in her sight and her grace. She looks beautiful when she sleeps and I don't even need to look at her to know that she's not awake. She breathes loud enough for me to hear, for me to suck it in while I close my eyes.

She breathes and sighs at the same time, sometimes even smiling when she feels my hand on her stomach or on her thigh, stroking my sleeping beauty softly.

She touched me without really touching me, but her presence was enough for me to love her even more.

Sometimes she crawled into my arms, still with her eyes closed, but needing the contact, needing me. So I held her, held her through the nights and through the mornings, until it was her who hugged and touched me from behind, holding me so close without anything beneath us, sighing, suspiring in my ears.

And how she was rubbing her eyes like a child, yawning loudly or looking like a silent movie in black and white.

And what terrifies me each single time is how she opens her eyes and looks like she sees the world for the first time. It's her significant and special way to say hello and greet the world good morning.

Then she looks at me, waiting for a kiss, a sweet and short, but though lingering kiss to start a new day with me at her side. Afterwards she usually hushes a bright "morning" and I answer with a routine "morning sleepy head" or "morning beautiful". She always smiles sweetly but tired. Her features so soft and clear I want to tell her how much I love her. And I do.

A simple but meaningful "I love you" each and every single morning. And I don't seem to get tired of it.

How should I life without her? Just an hour, just a minute.

Go away hurtful thought, go away…

Never without her. No, I'm never going to be without her.

I stand up, physically, because I can't, but mentally, because I have to. He did what he was never allowed to do: Banishing her, keeping her away from me. So he was banishing me, he was hurting me more than Steve and his friends could ever do.

"She is the reason why all of this happened." He said almost casually, standing there like a man who was never doing the wrong things, although he did.

"Don't you dare to say that, Dad. Por que causa? I never thought you would do that…justamente tu? Why you, Dad?"

He has always been a strong man, filled with irrepressible pride the way I'm filled with overwhelming love.

He was so strong and graceful and he never bent. Why even should he? He had power and prestige. He has been like that all his life and he was proud of himself and of the things he already reached. But one single time he bent.

And what he bent for was love. The love he felt for my mother; because no one ever believed in them and everyone was against their relationship. But he stood up; staying up for love like he did. Yet he is a strong man with a stubborn mind.

It is fight of words and of gesticulation. A war between love and prejudice, protection and perdition, if I can't see her ever again. So I stop fighting, I stop screaming and instead I look him into the eyes, because I need him to see what I saw a thousand times in her eyes, on her lips.

I stopped fighting, yes, but I never gave up and so I tried to reach him with simple words.

"She's the reason why I'm able to breath without being scared of what's tomorrow. I'm not scared anymore. She's the reason I can sleep at night and don't care about what other people say. She made me to someone graceful and strong. Because of her I believe in myself again, Dad. She's the reason for so many things. I live because of her and I lay here hurt and in pain, but she's the reason that I though smile and believe that it's going to be already better tomorrow. She isn't the reason why I'm here and that there're homophobic people out there. I beg you; just don't be one of those, Dad, please. I couldn't take loosing you and the others. But I'm not going to let her go either…"

I look him directly in the eyes, honest like never before. Even the eyes of a strong man can change and his eyes told another story. They are separated from everything else, telling me true story.

"Just think of what you did to be able to be with mama. Think of what love did to you… the same thing happened to me…"

When I look at her, sometimes even for hours; when I couldn't sleep and I didn't want to wake her up, although she asked me to; I always wanted to take a picture right away. A picture of my sleeping beauty, sleeping beside me. I looked at her and I believed it'd be like this forever: The sun cascading on her skin, her lips sometimes forming a soft smile, her eyes closed and her breathe the only thing my whole world was concentrated on. And sometimes I touched her briefly, I stroke her skin beneath my fingers, everything I could reach, I waited until a blue ocean connected with my eyes, finally watering the waiting and desperate desert. I waited until she kissed me and opened her eyes again.

I asked her why she was smiling during her sleep. I asked her what she was dreaming of. She only smiled before she kissed me again.

I knew this wouldn't be only for a year or two. This would be forever.

How naïve I have been…

"Hey honey, you're already here?" I looked around my hair already dry, but I stood in my room, switching my clothes, because I just couldn't choose what to wear. When I'm with her I want to look as much as beautiful as I can. I want her to look at me and undress me with her glance. I want her eyes permanently on my body, feeling her presence lingering on my skin.

I looked around and expected her to stand there in her dark red dress, instead of wearing red cheek and red tear streaks. "Oh God Ari, what's wrong?"

She only stood there not answering to any of my questions. And then say it, a letter in her hands.

"What's that?" I answered, almost laughing dryly, because I didn't know what was happening, why a letter made her cry, why a simple white envelope could change everything in my life.

"A letter…" She answered softly so I almost didn't hear her. I wanted to ask her if that was all she said about that, a nervous laugh escaping my lips, but never finding its way to her ears. Suddenly she looked up, her eyes between joy and sadness.

"I've got a scholarship." She said and it looked like her lips almost formed a smile, like mine formed a grin. So long we waited for this to happen; she worked so hard, were the best in her whole senior year and I couldn't be prouder. And most important we decided to move out into a small but beautiful flat as soon as she found a place to study and earned some money beside while I was finishing school, working and studying too. Finally being together and starting a life together. This was how we planned it.

But when I hugged her and screamed and kissed her it wasn't like I expected this moment to come. I expected her to kiss me. I expected her to be joyful and happy and overwhelmed just like me. But instead she just let it be, she just let it happen, until I let her go. The small envelope belonging in her hands like a grudge.

"What's… What's wrong Ari? You look like it's the worse thing that ever happened. Wasn't it your biggest wish? Ari…?" No word left her mouth, her eyes telling so much, but saying nothing at all. She begs me with her eyes to sit down before she starts to speak up with her voice quivering, her features trembling.

"This is from my old teacher – the one I told you about… when he moved to Los Angeles we kept being in contact and I informed him about my marks, my progress. I told him about my wish to study medicine and he… he said he would do everything to support my talent. He… he send me a letter after I wrote him that I graduated and he said… he said he was able to help me to get a scholarship…"

I don't get why her lips are trembling and her eyes seem frozen. It's amazing. It's a chance; the way into our future.

"… _And this scholarship is for the University… in Los Angeles."_

Into a future without her…

**I was ****nineteen  
(Call me)  
I felt you in my life  
Before I ever thought to  
Feel the need to lay down  
Beside you  
And tell you  
I feel you in my heart**

**And now we're saying  
Bye, bye, bye  
Now we're saying  
Bye, bye, bye**

From the airport I was driving into town, not over the highway, because I hated the highway. Too many people. Too many faces early in the morning. It was five minutes before nine and I remember the "Bailey's" opened up at nine, so I drove further on. The café was still empty and filled with a usual morning neutrality; now there weren't fighting knifes, clanking dishes, loud voices, rumbling laughter piercing through the heated atmosphere, where waves of smoke are clouding the view into the garden where the morning birds are flying around, completely free of life like I'm am completely free of love.

"_I love you so much it almost hurts…"_

I ordered a strong black coffee and a poppy-seed cake and closed my eyes for a small moment. I felt strange in this big and empty room, alone without her at a place where we used to spend time… together.

**Flew home,  
Back to where we met  
Stayed inside  
I was so upset  
Cooked up a plan,  
So good except  
I was all alone  
You were all I had  
**

Very often we came here, sitting in front of each other, laughing, talking, and displaying our love brightly. She touched me slightly with her foot, crawling up my legs while she was biting her lips, smiling my way. I remember her eating a poppy – seed cake, sometimes even spoon – feeding me whenever I pouted.

I hated this cake until she made me love it, until she made me love everything about this place. The old but comfortable and cosy atmosphere, the details like white flowers and red candles, the waitress' and the owner of this sweet café. Everything was perfect; but now it was simply nothing. Nothing I felt here but sadness and sorrowful closeness to reality.

Arizona was sitting in a plane to L.A. and I was in a café with a poppy – seed cake and coffee. We are able to do this, she said, no matter what's going to happen.

I told her she should do it. It's a chance, I said, don't let it pass by.

"You're talented… You are going to be a wonderful doctor. Take your chance."

I helped her to decide. I told her to do the right thing. My mouth spoke, my heart bled. She should have never nodded; she should have never decided to go.

Until yesterday evening I never imagined she would really go, being away from me, not knowing how long we wouldn't see each other.

**Love you  
You were all mine  
Love me  
I was yours right  
I was yours right  
I was nineteen  
(call me)  
I was nineteen  
(call me)**

At the beginning we saw each other every second week. Then only each month. The money was too much to be paid by a student and a normal pupil.

I saw how she got her big bag and how she took everything with her, only leaving a few things in her old room where we spent so many times like an old married couple. We were like one, together for over a year, felt like years to come.

They say heartsickness is a disease like taking drugs and loosing your drug but keeping the addiction. I never lost my addiction.

When I ate the last piece of my cake, my fingers shaking, I realized that I needed more than an hour for a simple cake. The room was now filled with so many people; I looked at them, observing them, but at the same time looking through them, ignoring everything around me, because it wasn't a moment of love, but of reality meeting my countenance hardly and deeply. It was someone else who made me wake up from my state, standing there in front of my table like an angel, waiting to be able to help me.

"Sorry. I saw you sitting here on your own… you looked so lost and because I was hocked I thought maybe you need some company, too?" She smiled friendly and even I wasn't in the mood to talk I couldn't say no to another lost soul.

"Yeah, why not… Sit down." I said, trying to smile back as she sat down, starting to talk.

"You smoke?" I look at her, frowning.

"Well… you are shivering… And when I stopped smoking… let's say… tried to stop smoking… I felt the same way… so you need a cigarette?"

No one could give me my drug back, but maybe with another drug I'd feel less pain, less sorrow, less reality.

"I'd appreciate that…" I say before she's handing me a cigarette, bending over the wooden table and lighting me the small object in my still shaking hands. I take a breathe and feel the strong and hurtful poison in form of black smoke running through my veins before I blow it out again.

"What's your name by the way?" She asks me simply grinning.

"Callie… And you?"

She has blond long hair and a mischievous grin which is capturing me immediately. Maybe it's her right now I need to put my mind on ease, though I'm never forgetting what reality took away from me.

"_My name is Erica."_

Erika was the best thing that could have ever happened to me this day in this small café where I almost drowned in distress. She has been there all the time when I cried over Arizona, missing her more than anything, not being able to take the distance after months living to see how it is to be with her. I couldn't laugh anymore about Jordan's stupid jokes; I couldn't smile about nothing, just because I realized that life is beautiful. I couldn't go anywhere without seeing her in everything… but most of all I couldn't sleep anymore.

I miss her scent, her breathe caressing my skin. I miss her touch and how she nestled into me.

_Still I do._

No matter what I tried and no matter how hard she tried to tide over the distance, the distance which almost killed me.

Only Erika was there to hold me and capture me when I was falling and hiding myself from anyone. She gave all her love to me without expecting anything and looking back now I know I'd have never survived without her, though my heart belonged with someone else.

It was Arizona who changed me every time we saw each other. She made my lips curl into a smile, she made my heart and pulse raise and she made me believe in things I've long lost on my journey without her. How could a person be so addicted to another? I never thought love would be so strong, capturing a body; saving every heart beat for the other person. But when I loved her, I loved her and no one else and I knew a future without her isn't like I want life to be. But life isn't something you can plan and so our destiny was filled with almost not reachable barriers.

**She told me love will come once in your life**

When she came back home we touched for hours; a simple touch of our hands grew to an overwhelming act of love. When we touched it was everything we concentrated on. The world around us was forgotten and all what matters were two lonely stars finding its way to each other after weeks and night being separated.

Our love making was passionately like never before and our tears were shared each single time. But one evening when the sun still cascaded the sky my tears made her open her eyes and look at me.

"Calliope… what's wrong?" She panted hoarsely, while I cried silently.

It was the power of sorrowful love, a bittersweet symphony we played every time our eyes, our hands, our limbs and bodies met.

"I can't believe you're here… I know it sounds stupid… I wanted you to follow your dream… I still want it… but every night when I drift of to sleep I dream of this actually happening. I dream about you being here with me… like before… of you being with me and not miles away… I don't want to be weak… I want to be strong for you… and for me, but I… I miss you so much, Arizona… I can't life without you… I…" She silent's me with a soft kiss. That's when I feel her own tears intermingling with mine. Then she stands up and I wonder if I said something wrong, but when she comes back, my heart is beating furiously in my chest like never before.

She sits in front of me, naked as we came, with a black velvet case in her hands, her blue eyes shimmering like stars in the evening sky.

"I wanted… I wanted to wait until the moment is perfect… I wanted to make it all romantic you know? But I think now the moment is perfect." She looks me in the eyes, nervously smiling, her limbs shaking.

**So I guess when you find it  
You're gonna hold it right  
**

"I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, but when we spent the last months apart from each other I realized it even more. It's you I want to be with, forever. And even if we are young it is what I want. I want you. And when we finished studying, when everything is over we move together. Somewhere, anywhere you want. I'm going to buy a big house for you. I'm going to built up a home for you and for me. It's a promise. My love is a promise, a vow. So I ask you tonight, will you marry me Calliope Iphigenia Torres and let me make you the luckiest girl on earth?"

I think never my heart felt that way and never it felt this way ever again.

My answer was clear, sealed with a kiss and a touch of pure love and endlessly commitment.

The whole night we made love with a ring on our hands and when we woke up I asked her again of what she was dreaming the whole night, a smile still plastered on her face, deeply positioned in her features.

And then she answered my simple question with a grin plastered on the beautiful lips of my fiancé.

She simply answered: _"You're the one I'm dreaming of."_

**You're gonna hold it right  
You hold it right**

But now it seems to be too late to think about the past, about things which have been long ago in a life where I knew myself, where I felt like myself, where I was complete.

I open my eyes again, old eyes, tired eyes.

And when I look around there's nothing but my memories…

**Authors Note: **Not only because of my hand, but because it was very hard to write this I needed longer for this Chapter. Though I hope you like it, because now I'm ready for the next part. I know there are a lot of questions hanging in the air like: What happened to them? Is Erika a reason why? Aren't they together anymore? What will the future bring and how Calliope's and Arizona's life look then?

But of course you'll get al your answers… I promise =)

I appreciate every comment of yours. Thank you for that!

All my best wishes for you

-Sun


	18. Slow dance in time

**Warning: **Tissues and wine/beer or whatever recommended by the author. Take care.

**You're the one I'm dreaming of –**** part 3**

**Chapter 18 – Slow dance in time**

Running down a small corridor; where life is a theatre play and we all are small creatures, dolls, figures, sometimes allowed to be real actors. We are a part of it, but though we have to watch it from far away; from a seat in the last row watching the stage of life, scene after scene passing by. If the play is good our shallow eyes start to fill and reflect the scene in front of us. Magnetized, tensed, horrified; hollow eyes captured with emotions;

The stage is our life and we are the very sheer player.

_What they say about the beaches in California, that the beaches are as wide as the sea itself, __is true. And what she promised about the atmosphere and the beauty was pure honesty. It's magnificent, one of the hundred places you have to see before you dir. A place I had to see with her._

"_A porch…" She bluntly says, lying in my arms. So often she does that and its something I adore about her: She share her thoughts with me if I know what about it is or not. She simply speaks up, naturally and confidently, not caring if I get it immediately and then suddenly rarefying her not so explicit expression. _

"_Our house needs a beautiful porch with a table and two comfortable seats or even a small couch, or better a strand bank, so we could sit there during the night, only candles lightening our sight. And blankets! We do need blankets there! But only one so we have to cuddle whenever it's cold outside." She smiles softly, her eyes looking into the future as her mouth is taking me on a journey. _

Watching the stage, the scene replaying over and over again, you can't look away even you want.

Then you realize you don't want to look away, even you should.

But this time you can't act, you can't even stop looking. Now you're only a viewer, because this, on the stage, is your past.

"_And we need a cosy fireplace in our house… for cuddling! Yeah every place should be made cuddle – able! And of course a big kitchen…"_

"_You can't even cook. I don't like to remind you, but your last dinner tasted gross…"_

_She laughs deeply, her laughter still ringing in my ears like this bittersweet symphony I used to hear in the past._

"_The kitchen is not for me, stupid head! It's for you! I cook so well and beside of that it's hot whenever you cook and my awesome last point of my argumentation is: The kitchen is always for different activities not only for cooking you know."_

_Now a laugh escaping my lips. I like how her mind rolls. I like everything she planned, because it's her, displaying who she is and I want her to stay the same and represent herself in our future home._

"_And what else do you want?"_

_She's frowning, thinking, shortly before smiling. _

"_A big and comfy bed where we like to stay in on whole Sunday mornings. Where we like to grow old."_

_It's the first time she leaves her favourite place to stay and instead turns around to touch my cheek with her hands, slowly and softly stroking the skin beneath. Dreamy and like she was lost in thoughts she followed and memorized the movement of her fingers before she looks me into the eyes like I'm the one she has ever dreamed of. _

"_People might think or even say it's crazy… I'm only 20 years old, my life ahead, right in front of me, everything is open, nothing is defined, and nothing is settled. So much time left, so much space to dream and take chances, journeys. I'm only 20 years old, but though I think about this house. I think about this comfy bed, our beautiful garden with flowers and trees and a tree house and chicken… Yeah, you've heard right, chicken! I don't know, but I have this weird thing for chicken… But the point is… I want to grow old with your name on the nameplate on our door."_

_I don't have to reply, because a simple gesture is enough to tell everything I believe in. _

_I lean forward to meet her soft lips, starting something new and staying with something familiar. But with her every kiss we share is like the first one. Inspiriting, enliven, pure and sensual. Every kiss is the start of something new and the growing of something wonderful. _

"_And what so you want?" she finally asks, starting to fill our future house with other wishes and things, living her dream. _

"_You." I say. "I only want you."_

And when the play suddenly becomes too much, but you can't seem to look away, you start to run. Run way, turn away, and run. Run for your dear life, until the stage fades out and everything is turning black like your eyes are closing and your body is…

…...

Jerking up. Up. I jerk up.

Everything is turning wildly, madly.

Focus. I can't focus.

Heavy these pictures are now. Heavy in my mind. Heavy on my limbs.

The world is standing still, but I can't focus, because my world is spinning madly, madly on. Madly. My breathe.

I. I can't. Catch. My breathe.

Desperately. My hands find its way to my blanket, clinging on to the thick material.

My body feels like I've run a marathon, my hearts beating fast, knowing what it was… it was a dream. Only a dream. A dream. Nothing but a dream, I tell myself.

It was and it will stay a dream. A dream reflecting my memories and it's not like it happened for the first time, waking up abruptly with a deep ache in your heart.

For almost 15 years now it wakes me up, like a grudge hovering over my head. Memories assaulting me like nightmares and they always leave me back – shivering.

Like a small child, being lucky when they think it's over; but I'm right back where it started. I'm like a child, hiding under the blanket after all these months thinking I passed it, I made through it. It's hard to realize I'm not.

But though it was only a dream, only a simple and not meaningful dream.

"_Dreams always mean something."_

Someone once said to me, but this person also said that you'll find true love only once in your lifetime, so if you find it you're gonna hold it right. But she didn't hold it right. So why should I believe something she ever said? Let alone trying to confuse me of something that only occupy my dreams. Sometimes… Almost every night.

Dreams mean nothing, expect of reminding you of where you went wrong. Yeah…

Dreams are hurtful reminder.

No, now it seems to be too late to think about the past, about things which have been long ago in a life where I knew myself, where I felt like myself, where I was complete.

I open my eyes this morning, still shaking. I open my eyes, old eyes, tired eyes.

And when I look around there's nothing but my memories…

But it's time to leave this room and to go, where I meant to be a part of: my life. My new life.

…...

As a little girl sitting on the lab of my father I listened to stories of great people saving the life of others, the life of my grandpa, for example. He told me how remarkable those people are and that they should always be treated with respect. He even said that after grandpa died 1 year after. He wasn't mad or sorrowful, convicting someone of his dead.

"But this year was the greatest he head, mija. They gave him one full year with love and time to say goodbye to the world. Those doctors gave him one year, more than we ever thought he would get."

Back then, at the age of 10 I knew that I wanted to be a doctor, saving lives of people. I always knew that I want to help and make them smile and healthy again, make their families be joyful again. That's what I promised almost 19 years after this thought was set up in my mind.

"Charge 200! Now!" A loud voice is filling the room. Yelling, making Goosebumps of fear appearing on their skin.

It's mine.

I break bones for living so no one ever argues, instead they follow my instructions like puppy dogs, even they think it's already too late.

Silver paddles like second hands encircled by my shaking fingers. His body jerks up, but his heart stands still, still.

"Charge to 300!"

They wait, they frown and hesitate, until I look up and they know what this glance means: they're going to look death in the eye if this man on the table does any longer. Yes, I promised to save lives. But that doesn't mean I can't threat and impend and make them fearful, for this man's sake.

"NOW!" One scream. One movement. 300 Charges touching his body, his heart, and running like lightings through his veins. Then silence, sweat pearls running down my forehead. It's a silence, the big moment of waiting, I can hardly take, but I've learned to.

Because if the silence is suddenly interrupted by the sound of a heartbeat, it's all worth the wait.

A sigh is escaping my lips, voices filling the blank room and my tensed body is finally calming down.

"You did a great job, Anthony… Thanks"

I whisper smiling and looking down, before I lay the paddles away.

This is a good way to start a new morning.

…...

"Torres!" A scream reaches my ears as I leave the O.R. and walk through the almighty halls of our beloved hospital how Christina Yang sarcastically calls it. When I spin around I already knew who this is, because I'm used to this voice for ages now.

"Mark? What are you doing here? I thought your important surgery started half an hour ago?"

He smiles mischievously, handing me a coffee; a simple but nice and friendly ritual he started months ago.

"I had to switch it, cause I needed a lil break from last night."

I could do nothing but laugh. "Too less sleep, cause of your dirty latest gathered nurse?"

And all he could do was laughing, dryly and looking at me like it was the worse joke I've ever made.

"Yeah, good joke Torres. You exactly know what I did."

I frown. How should I know?

"Sorry Mark, but I didn't plan your evenings? Well with your always changing girls I couldn't."

"Come on Torres. You've been the one of us who had the hot night. I mean if it wasn't for you I'd be pissed to sacrifice a night with the new and incredible hot nurse Ely… Oh man, she's like… I don't even know how she's like… a way too hot to be compared to AYTHING!"

"Wait, Mark… What do you mean? Hot night? My night was far away from being hot… I did paper work at home and slept late… but it wasn't hot."

Then suddenly his big mouth is shut and he is trying to look away, searching for an explanation; but he is not finding anything to say at all.

"Mark… What happened last night?"

He looks around, obviously uncomfortable, before he opens his mouth again. But this time not joking, not teasing, only being honest.

"I had to work last night. Because there was an emergency coming in and there weren't enough doctors… So I scrubbed in for another…"

My stomach turns upside down, I want to throw up while I wait for an answer, but I already know how the answer is.

"For who?" I silently ask.

Mark tries to avoid my eyes again, but when I repeat my question, more loudly, he answers.

"For George… He said he was sick, though he didn't look sick when I was seeing him the last time so I put one and one together and thought you were the reason he left, cause the past few weeks work and well… other things… came in your way… I thought I should be a good best friend and let him please my best friend. But now I think you weren't the reason."

His voice sounds shallow in my ears, coming from far away, but I though could hear the rage for a man who lies and betrays, for weeks now.

"I think the reason was Izzie…" I say and he sighs, relieved.

"I know, Callie and I think it's better you get used to this thought so you'll be able to kick his ass and have fun again. When I see this bastard I'm gonna…"

"No… NO Mark…"

I try to stop him, putting a white curtain over the lies, trying to hide the truth immediately it tried to sneak out. I try to hide it, just a little bit longer. No, he isn't like that, he wouldn't do the same thing like… No, he would never do that to me. Not sweet and caring George.

"You misinterpret the situation, Mark. Yes, the reason is Izzie, but only because she is his best friend like I am yours. She had really hard weeks and George is there to take care of her. He helps her how good he can. And last night she just needed him and he went to her, because he knew I had work to do and he's so caring. He left everything behind for his best friend."

"But maybe he should have done that for you, too. Callie, that's not normal… you are his…"

"I know…" I try to stop him, because as much as I appreciate this side of him, honestly speaking to me, caring and talking like an adult, I want him to make jokes. I want him to talk like always, about anything, just distracting my mind.

"…but in the end… it's going to turn out just right…" I stop him before he can say anything else, scattering my thoughts, my mind and my beliefs.

"When are you done here?" I ask him like usually, wearing a smile for the world to see.

"Around 7 pm."

"Good…. Meet me around half past seven at Joes? " He nods and looks at me like he waits for me to let revelation and realisation suck in and break down in front of him, before he turns around and leaves me back with my lonely thoughts.

…...

**Slow dancing in time  
My barren heart and I**

When you look back in your life, sit down with your glance numbly fixated on the wall, you try to remember what happened yet. How your life has been, you try to remember your friends, your childhood and how it was when you were a teenager.

Very often it's like a black blur, cloudy and diffusing. You ask yourself why you can't look through your life like you can look through a book filled with pages. Why can't I remember? Why can't I remember the face of my father when I told him I got a scholarship in New York? Why can't I remember the first person I kissed or my 6th birthday?

I can't remember all the things I want, but though I remember the things I shouldn't, I don't want. Like our lips touched for the first time or she said 'I love you' to me, like our first night together and how it feels to hold hands with her or lose myself in her ocean blue eyes. I remember how it sounds when she called out my name, purred it, screamed or moaned it; how she made me feel like the most important person and the most beautiful girl in the world.

Thinks I should have left behind. Feelings I shouldn't feel anymore.

But I do. I sit in a chapel, like I always do when the world is falling apart for me, around me, inside of me.

Weeks ago I talked to Anna, calling her like every month, talking to her and letting her know how I feel. How I feel about her. Still.

"You have to be able to process, Callie. For years now you can't stop thinking about her. For years now she's haunting you like a ghost and you stand completely still. WE all thought this would be forever. We all thought your love was pure love, without any compromises, without lies or problems like we all had. We looked up, thanks to you we started to believe that true love is waiting for us somewhere… then she hurt you like no one else could have ever done and everything crumbled. You were broken and a part of you still is. But you have to find your way back into life, now, because Callie she isn't coming back. She isn't a part of your life anymore and you need to go on… You need to go on. DO it for me, for George, but most of all for yourself… Process… Somehow… And then live again, Callie. You need to live."

**It's a mystery how people behave  
How we long for a life as a slave**

When I look up now her words are still present and I know processing is all I have to do now.

All I can do…

…...

Around 8 we sat together at our favourite table, already drowning down our first beer, ordering the next. Like always we sit there and talk. But though it's different; a different burden on my shoulders, an old, but though a new haze of my past, wounded around my heart. He talks bout his new adventure, his latest capture, about his time with a girl he don't really know. I know him too well to ask how he feels about her. I know him too well to know that this is a girl like all the others.

He loved once, he loved and got hurt. So what do I really expect? True love can be cruel and if you burn your finger once you are never going to come near the burning fire again.

Love is so fragile, a heart so vulnerable. If you never talk, if you never forget you'll be never able to go on with your life. You will never be able to trust and love again like you did before. But are you ever going to be able to forget your first love and how it made you feel?

As a grown up I feel like a vulnerable child, as vulnerable as my still broken heart.

But all I can do to maybe go on is revealing how broken I am and hoping I can process by saying how it is, by saying the truth.

**I tell you now like I told you before  
Love is a powerful force**

He is still talking, laughing, not only guessing which battle is going on within me. He stares at the dancing girls, his eyes undressing them slowly while his mouth is spitting out words of lust and endlessly hunger. His mouth first shuts and his eyes are all mine and his ears are first listening when a revelation is leaving my quivering lips.

"I had a girlfriend." First there's only silence, then he beaks out in loud laughter.

"I knew, Torres! God damn I knew you are a way too hot to spare yourself for one gender, but that you actually had a girlfriend is even hotter, man."

I can't look him in the eyes. Now it's me searching for something to stare at.

"It wasn't just me experiencing to fuck a girl, Mark. Could you stop thinking like an over-sexed and horny man and rather listen to me… It wasn't only an 'I try the girls' thing… It was far away from being that… we were engaged."

If no one ever made Mark's mouth hanging open it was me to make it actually happen, and usually I'd laugh and make fun of it, but now isn't the right time for one of us to make jokes.

My eyes are already running through a past, winding back and back and back, until I've gotten to the place where I never wanted to be again.

"And why aren't you together with her anymore?" A real honest and caring question leaving his mouth and again I'm surprised how gentle he sometimes can be, giving me time to think and answer afterwards.

I think very long, before I find the power to answer; before I'm able to take a journey into the past with my barren heart and I.

…...

**Your name used to taste so sweet  
Then you beat the love right out of me**

"_Arizona!" I called out happily when she entered my room, __after having to share her with Erica for almost 2 hours. When Arizona came to visit I knew I'd have to show her my new friend, someone who helped me through this and it seemed like they both got very good along with each other, though Arizona was the one who acted a little strange after being alone with her in a room. When I asked her what's wrong she answered it must be the jetlag, like always and when I kissed her, her smile appeared again and I all my worries were drifting away again. But now… now I was there again, seeing her numb, almost blank eyes as I walked up to her, waiting for her to smile and kiss me back. _

_But she didn't, instead she quivered and I could see her body shaking. _

"_What's wrong, Ari?"_

_She didn't answer; instead she tried to compos herself in front of me, trying to speak up with her trembling voice._

"_Sit down, Callie…"_

"_What's… What's wrong Ari?"_

_Again she said:" Sit down…" Almost like a robot, her voice as numb as her eyes._

"_I'm… I'm not going to sit down before you're not telling me what's wrong. Ari, please…"_

_Silence overtaking our bodies, before a hurtful truth is coming out of her mouth._

"_I know it was hard for both of us… the distance… We worked so hard… we did so much… but I… I knew you were lonely all the time and Calliope, I have been lonely too." When her eyes are not crying yet, her voice already is. _

"_I didn't know what to do and how I could distract my mind… I've…__then I've found someone else to distract me… I've found someone" _

_She says like she it's the most logical thing to say or do; like you'd order a cold drink on a hot summer day, like there's nothing to really wonder. _

_I think my heart broke there like my tears flooded out of my eyes, like I couldn't catch my breath and my body didn't want to function again, like I didn't want to breath and feel ever again. _

**Nerve-wrecking, acrobatic, backwards bend  
All for a happy end**

_I walked up to her, almost stumbling, my fingers touching her cheeks__, hard, but also soft, stroking her desperately._

"_No… No, Arizona… that's not who you are… you asked me to marry you. You were the one who planned how our house should look like. YOU are not like the others. You wouldn't do that. Tell me that you wouldn't do that to me. Tell me that it was a joke, tell me you love me. Tell me everything and I'll believe you. Just tell me you love me." Desperately I search for her eyes. Desperately I search for her love to seek in. _

"_If you don't love me, if you want to break up, if you really did this, look me in the eyes!"_

_I yell, still having her face in my hands. But she looks away. She doesn't look up__. She can't look me into the eyes, so moments pass; tears and sobs are filling the room, until she is finally able to look up. _

"_It's better if we stop this. It's better for you… It's better…__It's better… for…" Her voice breaks like my heart is in two pieces._

"_It's not, Arizona. No matter what's going on with you it's not. I'm better with YOU. I'm only myself when I have you. It's not better for one of us… Please… Please." _

_I beg. I beg and plead and cry, even I know it's over._

_I know it's over when she looks away, when she's not answering me. _

_I know it's o__ver when she turns around, when she's ready to leave me back._

**Oh, you, you, it's always you  
The best kisser that I ever knew**

**And when you kissed me I gladly gave in  
To a fight nobody could win**

_I know it's over when she spins around __again and her lips attack mine in a desperate and searing kiss. _

_Our salty tears are intermingling the moment I feel her soft, but burning lips._

_I want to push her away; my hands are working so hard, pushing, fighting, desperately and hurt. My body is numb but anyway filled with sorrow, madness, despair and never ending pain just like this kiss. _

_It's so hungry__; passionately _wrong_ and hurtful _right_. _

_It's like I stop to live and survive as soon as she stops to kiss me as it feels like I stopped to exist when her poisoned mouth assaults mine and her betrayal tongue enters and __an immeasurable battle started. _

**Oh, you, you, it's always you  
The hardest hitter that I ever knew  
True love is cruel love  
Not much to be proud of**

_The lip__s and the hands which always made me feel wonderful and complete are now ripping my body apart and leaving back dead trade marks on my skin._

_She manages to take of my top with one hand, while she keeps me close with the other. She__ never lets me go, scared I might run._

_And I want. I want to run away, but even if I do I can't. Too much I need to be close to her; too much I need to feel her one last time. One last time._

_Hard she pressed herself into me; strongly she pushed me onto her bed while she stands there in front of me, trying to catch her breath for another battle to start. _

_I look at her, look at her and I see the woman I love. I see the woman who I wanted to marry, the woman__… I love. I love her more than anything even she rips my heart apart, even she punishes me in the worse way, even she is the one who gave me everything and took away more._

_I mesmerize her and I never turn__ away my glance as she puts out her shirt and her jeans, standing there in nothing but her underwear. Her eyes are not numb anymore. Her eyes are like I've never seen them before and I can't name what I see there. But what I recognize is hate for herself like the way I should. I try it so hard, but I can't. I can't hate her. _

_Too much I love her, still; too deep my love is._

_Her cheeks are wet, but I can't say if it's her tears or mine. I can only say there are new tracks, following the old; new tracks testifying the pain she caused._

"_Tell me that you hate me." She almost says in a whisper, still fighting to be able to breathe normal. I almost hear her heart breaking when she says it again, this time louder and with more force._

"_Tell me that you hate me…" She takes a step nearer until she kneels above me, capturing my hands and forcing them to keep them over my head. _

"_Tell me that you hate me." Arizona breathes while her right hand is running along my naked chest, down my stomach, gracing the oh so well known curves._

_I can't say it. I can't say anything, because I hold my breath as her fingers are ignoring, yes passing my pants and I feel her hardly sliding through my fold. I first scream and cry out, I moan and sigh deeply when she roughly enters me and her hips are pressed against me. She pumps her finger in and out like she moves her hips, in the same rhythm like I can feel the heart pounding in her chest. _

**When she kissed me I lost everything  
Then I got up and did it again**

_She presses herself into me and make__s me moan in pleasure, in pain and in sorrow. Then she kisses me, like she never kissed me before. So often she surprised me with a kiss or with a new sex experience we shared. So often she made me forget the world around me and get lost in her touch. But this time it's more than I can take. More than I can bear, because this kiss means 'Goodbye'._

"_Say it…" She demands with every single hard push. So hard, but though so gentle. "Say it. Say it."_

_Another hard push, another needing rub._

"_I hate you." I exclaim while I dig my nails into her shoulder._

"_I hate you." I scream over and over again while I dig deeper and bruise her._

"_I don't love you anymore…" but I always will. I always will love her._

_Minutes pass when she's trying so hard to please me, to make me scream her name, to feel me as close as possible._

"_Come for me. One last time."_

_My screams are filling the air like her cries are filling my world. _

**True love is cruel love  
Not much to be proud of**

_I can't breathe as she rides out the most intense and hurtful orgasm I ever had. I can't seem to __focus; I only seem to push her away as realization hits me hard. _

_She broke me, she broke herself and most of all she broke us; she broke what we had, but still she lays on top of me, panting and crying. I can't feel her anymore, I can't hear her, and I can't look her in the eyes. _

_But most of all I can't let her going away from me._

"_I need to touch you… I need to taste you one last time…I…"_

_Before I can react her mouth touches me in a place where only she knew how to pleasure me, and when another wave hits me I almost pass out._

_Haze. My eyes are like hazy eyes and I only feel how she kiss me one last time on the lips, desperately and filled with never ending love. One last kiss before she stands up, collecting her clothes and looking down. I see her ocean blue eyes for the last time; then she spins around, slowly walking to the door._

_The door into a life without me and she says in a whisper__; she breathes it out, like the hurtful truth before:_

"_I love you, forever."_

_And then she goes and she never looks back._

_I laid there for hours, hugging my blanket like my life was depending on it. I cried, I screamed and I closed me eyes, her smell still surrounding me._

_I first started to open my eyes again when I felt strong arms around me and caring lips on mine. It was Erica who saved me once more; but it was never like before._

…...

**Man, she left me blue  
And if I could I would do it too**

He looks away and if I didn't know better I'd say I can see tears glistening in his eyes. Yes, that's what love does to people. That's what love did to me, and I did make him feel what I went through, too.

"Why you tell me right now? Right now when you are with George?" He asks simply, looking me in the eyes and even he might think it's a bad timing I know that he's sorry, I know that he knows there's never the right time to think about your true love.

"Because I can't forget her, even I know I should..." I answer honesty.

"What do you expect me to do?"

"Order another drink." I answer as I pour down my bear.

**Oh, you, you, it's always you**

**Oh, you, you, it's always you**

**Author****'s Note: **Okay… first of all. I'm sorry and afterwards follow: I know you hate me right now. Me, Arizona or let's say: Both of us. I know and I understand and I'm sorry. This Chapter took so long to write and think about was very hard. But though it was something I needed to write, a part of the journey and later you will know what this really is and was about.

I thank the entire people who are commenting and who are going through this with me, reading all the stories of McDrama alias xredSunburstx. I'm really glad, so thank you. The lyrics included is from "And then you kissed me Part 2" by The Cardigans.

The next Chapter is going to be very very short I think, but for now it's enough here.

All my best wishes,

Sun


	19. Heavy

**Authors Note:** Thank you for your comments! I really appreciated them, even I know you were sad and I guess little bit mad at me, hehe… but where are all my other lovely readers out there? I have to tell that I was a little bit disappointed, cause I missed you very much! Any requests, demonstration or critique? You are all always very welcome no matter what comes to your mind =)

And here's the next Chapter, unfortunately a really short Chapter and the last for this and next week, cause I'll be in Rome. But I continue as fast as I can when I come back. The Chapter is including the wonderful song "Heavy" by Tegan and Sara.

Finished, like I promised :)

All my best wishes for you

Sun

**Chapter 19 ****– Heavy**

_(Calliope's pov)_

**An angel kissed my strings  
While I slept last night  
And her rhythm broke my hunger  
And I died a little less  
Well I just want to get some  
Get some while I'm still tall**

When I was a younger and my Dad told me about remembering his friends and the life he once had when he was a young man, when he told me about having memories, I always believed memories are like a train. An old train you know too well from all the western movies.

And every time you remember you hop on that train and you stay there, watching the world pass by, watching the sun taking the long journey with you, being exchanged by the moon. And you say there as long as you need, as long as you want.

But with me as a passenger this train never stopped; the wheels never stopped turning.

I hopped on, but I couldn't get off. I stayed there too long, too often, falling too deep.

A life with her meant more than I could bear, because it is still a life without her. I'm hanging in this line for so long, while my real life, the reality, is waiting for me.

But she has been there, always, and that's what I realized when dreams captured me and memories came rushing back; I realized I was still addicted to her when it was Mark who listened to stories about her while George was maybe waiting for me. I realized I shouldn't, I shouldn't be here over and over again. She shouldn't be a ghost haunting me. She shouldn't be anything anymore.

So I stood up, I jumped from the driving train; I jumped into reality full forced, until I crashed down on my bed, panting when he lies down besides me. I can still hear his heavily breathe in my ears before he silents, turning around and drifts off to sleep.

I turn around, too, looking out of the window, watching the evening sky, the moon hanging there like leaves on a tree. I lie there; awake for hours and I force myself not to think about the past, but about my present, about my future. But when I turn around and look at him again it isn't the future I longed to see.

The reality has me back, but do I want that? Can I imagine being here forever, lying in this bed?

There are things I love about him, if there weren't I wouldn't have married him, but though I ask myself if this is all I want. I look at him and ask myself if this is what I always wanted, if this is where we are meant to be.

Every time I look him in the eyes, searching for a sign telling me I'm the woman he loves more than anyone else, telling me this is where he wants to be, I see something else. I see insecurity, I see guilty and I see something I can't name, creating a feeling I can't take. I look away when his eyes start to flicker that way. I look away and pretend I don't see that something is wrong.

It's easier to live and it's easier to go on like this.

And I go on as I walk into the place I know so well, a place where I am able to put my mind on ease. For hours I'm the badass ortho for what they know me and who I always longed to be. When I am here I feel like someone else, as someone the attendings could look up. I know that I'm one of the best Orthos around here and I did operations no one else would be able to do. This place always gave me the feeling to form something with my hands.

With my hands I wanted to form a future; here I form bones, I form the life for other people and I love what I do. It gives me thrill and the belief that I'm able to do miracles. When I fix the bones of wounded people I actually believe I'm going to be able to fix my own life.

But I also love the times I just stand there, looking over charts while I'm talking to Mark on a day where I don't feel like I'm drowning with people dying on my watch. I laugh with him, finally able to show my smile, to show the world I'm still the same badass girl I used to be before my memories took me away.

"Don't laugh at me Torres… my ass still hurts… I mean she looked like a beautiful and dirty girl. But not in lashing – dirty."

I couldn't contain my laugh. Yes, Mark Sloan had enough women; I can't even count how many. But this… I have never heard about something like that happening and I don't know what it is: Just because it's funny or if it's real mischievousness.

Okay… yes, it's 100%ly mischievousness.

I laugh out loud, filling out the chart when I suddenly hear the voice of the chief.

"Oh Dr. Torres! Dr. Sloane! It's perfect to meet you right now. I was giving our new head of the paediatrics a new insight into our hospital. So this is the highly recommended paediatric surgeon…"

Turning around it was like in one of those movies, slowly, in slow motion turning around so the last instant, the sudden truth hits me so surprisingly that it throws me back into reality.

_"… Dr. Arizona Robbins."_

**And you're all  
You're all I want**

I know this name. I know those eyes, capturing deep blue eyes.

I know those soft, tender and hurtful lips. I know her blond hair, surprised that she's wearing them short now, surprised that suddenly all the feelings are back. My mind is filled with kisses, touches, glances. With everything we once shared.

God…. I even recognize her smell.

And then I recognize her, I realize that this isn't me fantasizing and it isn't a dream. 15 years has passed by and when I realize this is reality my stomach tightens, my heart collides hurtful with the walls of my chest.

Her smile…Her dimple revealing beautiful smile fades when she sees me. Her mouth opens a second, but when she sees she's been stared at she closes it and wearing a mask immediately.

And after another second, felt hour, she extends her hands, smiling like she used to 15 years ago.

**Yeah you're all I want  
So tell me, tell me, tell me,  
Tell me, tell me where have you been?  
**

And it hits me. She hits me so forcefully with her presence I feel like I'm drowning right here with my mouth dry while my eyes are watering. I feel a blink, a moment passing, the chiefs eyes on me, Mark helplessly glancing. She says something, her mouth moving, but I keep staring. Only staring.

I never thought I'd be able to talk again, open my mouth and speak after seeing her.

Still I have nothing under control, but my voice.

"I… I have to check on my patients."

Then my shaking legs and feets are taking the control over my trembling body, taking it to the next toilette where I vomit, until there's nothing left, but the thought of her.

…...

_(Arizona's pov)_

How do you know that you did a mistake?

The guilt, the pressure hanging in the air, the shame and the sorrow bond with that, last on your heavy shoulders.

You try to distract your mind, tell yourself you had to do this, that's what life is. You count so many reasons why it's justifying, why it had to be.

**Well an angel kissed my hands  
While I slept last night  
**

You lay awake, night by night. Your tired and sleepless self wanders around day by day, and when the burden is too heavy it feels like that feeling never truly fades.

I tried not to talk about, not to think, not dream about her. I tried. I failed.

I started to live my life phone number to phone number, sleeping around, after spending one year the nights alone. I was someone else as much as I tried to be the same.

But the feeling that I missed something never left my heart.

After studying in LA I moved to San Francisco where I got offered good jobs. I tried to build up a new life, leaving old mistakes and burden behind. I tried… and failed… I don't even remember how many times I've failed.

But I had a beautiful flat in the centre of San Francisco, I worked with nice people and my job filled me with joy like it could bring me down in the depth of sorrow. But saving a child was like doing a miracle; it let me forget everything else.

**And when I woke up this morning  
God, I missed you something fierce  
I just want to get some  
Get some while I'm still tall  
**

But when I was down there; that's when I missed her the most.

Her gentle touch, her way to cheer me up, her way to take away my pain.

Then the phone call came, a low voice, lasted with deep compassion, the voice of a soldier, a simple bearer, telling me the hurtful truth.

I didn't leave my flat for weeks. I buried myself there and no try to free me out of my numb state helped. My eyes stayed crystal blue and the pain never faded.

I wasn't able to work. I wasn't able to have people surrounding me. I wasn't able to stay anymore. I wasn't able to do anything at all.

Calliope. My brother. The tiny coffins. My past.

Everything came crashing down on my fragile body and today I don't even know how I actually survived. Maybe it was this phone call on this rainy Thursday, which made me free myself out of this state. It was an offer for a new start, a new job, a new city, maybe a new way to go on. I called my parents and 4 days later I found myself in an empty room only filled with cartons and a simple red couch, in a city where the sky cries almost for the whole time.

And for a long time I felt save again.

But then it started… The dreams, the memories. The past came rushing back and it held me in space. I saw her face so clearly I lost myself in her dark hazel eyes and just for the night she was mine again. At least for a few hours.

But when I woke up it was her I missed her more than I could ever say.

It was a Thursday when I started, just one week after I got the call, and when I entered the hospital it felt like entering a new home, breathing a new and fresh air. The smell of this place filled my lungs and I could taste the fairy dust when I first entered the paediatric wing I should lead from now on. I know I was good, but that my call hurried ahead was new for me.

The chief welcomed me friendly, reminding me of my respectful father, and I felt alive for the first time in ages. I still could feel all the nosy glances burning holes in my back, eying up the new doctor in town. But I would love to show them how awesome and hardcore "roller-skater girl", like I heard one of them call me, as a surgeon and doctor was.

**She says she needs a priest  
Wants to get closer to God  
I say all I need's a ladder  
I want to touch your sky  
You want it all  
Do you want it all?  
Do you want me all?  
Do you want it all?  
**

For the first time I felt alive again, ready to take new chances, then I heard someone laughing.

_No_… it's an illusion, a dream. It's a fantasy. A wish. It's not what I really hear, it's only what I want, what I long to hear. But then it's there again, present, hanging in the air like the rainy clouds outside this windows.

And I ask myself; does a laugh ever change or is it as perfidiously as a voice? Do you ever forget the laugh and the voice of the people you loved the most?

No… I never did. I never forgot anything.

Then he said it, revealed it to me, taking me back in a time where everything was different.

"And now I can show you two of my talented surgeons. Dr. Sloan, Plastics and Dr. Torres, Ortho." He explains, before he calls out their names once again. But his voice fades away. I know that his mouth moves, but I don't listen. I just watch.

I watch the woman in front of me turning around. I see her long brown hair, softly curling at the end. I see known olive skin and her full red lips. I recognize her deep eyes and even she changed in all these years, I still know her every curve and if I close my eyes I still feel my finger crawling up her skin, stroking the velvet skin beneath me.

I gasp. I stand still. I even stopped to breathe just like she did with me.

15 years I wished I could see her again.

15 years I dreamed about this moment, seeing her, kissing her again. I hoped I'd be able to explain, god, I even thought about calling her, searching for her to tell her everything I wasn't able to. I never found the strength, but I never even stopped having feelings for her.

15 years are a long time; even it feels like a short period now.

We are grown up, but she's still the girl I felt in love with.

I want to say: _"You still are so beautiful."_

But when I recognize that everyone around us stares at us I free my gaze, close my mouth and smile. I extend my hand to her and ask her to meet me halfway.

_Act now, talk to her later,_ I say to myself like a mantra. _Calm down… You need to breathe._

"Arizona Robbins. Nice to meet you." I say, so silently I don't believe she even heard it.

My body is shaking, trembling, my heart furiously pounding. She is still able to take my breathe away. Oh God… She's here, she's real and she is still all I want.

"I… I have to check on my patients."

And she still hates me. She still can't look me in the eyes. The first time I saw her so clearly and present standing there I asked myself if she had thought about me all these years, if she has never forgotten me too. I asked myself if she still has her ring, looking at it, sometime wearing it, just to feel near me… just like I did.

"Very hard working and assiduously the doctors in this hospital seem to be." I say to Dr. Webber, due to my heart breaking and I make him laugh dryly. He feels truly uncomfortable by her strange behaviour and I feel devastated.

My knees are going week, but my feet keep taking me; I learned to handle myself and my feelings. I had enough time to…

Do you ever stop loving a person?

_No_, you don't…

…...

_(Calliope's pov)_

2 long days I hided.

For 2 freaking days I watched out, I played a game only with me actually being a real and known part of it.

When she entered my life so abruptly again, it hit me hard and I knew I couldn't let her be a part of my life again, putting me through all of the pain again, but I also knew there isn't life without her and there wouldn't be with her walking through the corridors, trying to talk to me.

I acted against my heart, worked against my body, but I thought that avoiding her would help to shut her out if my life like I was able to shut her out of my dreams.

I know she was walking through the corridors of this hospital searching me… But I did everything to not let her eyes melt me, meet mine. I hide every time I saw her. I avoided the ped wings, but before all I used the elevator, because I remembered that she rather used the stairs to change a floor.

I did everything even I knew I couldn't avoid her forever, because anyhow my heart was taking me to her.

Every time I saw her I wanted to go near her, every time she had surgery to improve her skills I was the one standing in the doorframe so I could see her but she not me… I watched her again, like I used to do when she was sleeping. Coming back, every thing was coming back, so I sighed deeply.

And when the elevator doors suddenly opened and she stood there in front of me my heart furiously pounded in my chest. She stepped in, into the tensed atmosphere, and none of us said one word. She stepped in with her piercing blue eyes looking at me. Seconds are passing by with us looking at each other and I feel it, feel it so present, the desire, the want, our feelings overlapping. She's back for two days and I trap myself at looking at her, not just a second, but forever.

**And you're heavy in my heart  
You're heavy in my hands  
You're heavy in my mouth  
Yes you're heavy in my day  
You're heavy in my songs  
You're heavy in light  
**

And then it happens and before I can react her lips are on mine and I feel myself immediately pressed against the wall. I know she should stop. I should stop. But do I want to?

Yes, I tried to resist, but her lips are so velvet, so seductively like wine and she tastes sweeter than anything I know. She still tastes the same.

For 15 years we haven't kissed, but though it's still the same.

Her lips are gracing mine, searching willingly and hungry for a response like her hands are searching for my neck to hold onto me, and before I know how it happens I kiss her back.

She moans softly and she gives in a little bit more, opening her mouth as the kiss develops. She touches me in the most gentle way, meets me in a tender and slow kiss which is taking both of our breathes away.

God, no one ever kissed me like that. No one ever made me feel like that with only one kiss.

Everything around us were forgotten, the world, the pain, the sorrow in the passing years.

We were there together, after 15 years, still kissing, tasting, smelling and feeling the same.

So much happened, so much was still unsaid between us, but now I just wanted to lose myself in this feeling. I wanted to kiss her over and over again.

And when we gapped apart, breathlessly, she started to speak up, her voice deep with emotions.

**And you're all that I want  
Yeah you're all that I want  
****And you're all that I want  
God you're all that I want  
Oh, you're all I want**

"I know you tried to ignore me, you tried to avoid me. But I also saw you watching me… no… You can't ignore me Calliope. You can't pretend that you don't know me. You can't ignore what's been and when I look you in the eyes I see that all these years you couldn't forget me like I could never forget you."

She kisses me once more, but this time it's more than a breeze, a soft whimper escaping my lips when she hovers over me.

"We are still living in the past and kissing you… I never forget you, Calliope… and when you kissed me back… I know you haven't either…"

And reality hits me and I realized where I am, in an elevator with blue eyes piercing through my body, intermingling with mine. I realized what has happened and that 15 years changed everything. My voice was low and almost not hear able, but loud enough for the truth to sneak out.

"_I'm married."_

I will never forget the look on her face when she takes a step back, looking at me, terrified, blaming herself for how stupid she has been, expecting me to still love her. When the door opens it drags her out like death water and she's walking out of my sight.

I sink down and bury my head in my hands.

She's back. Arizona is here and she wants me, still. My life couldn't get more complicated, because I want what I can't have. I wish for something I shouldn't even think about. I never thought about the possibility of meeting her, because the distance separated us so early, forced us into another direction.

But she was right.

We will always be something….

_And the past becomes my present._

**Authors Note 2:** Okay I guess there's an explanation needed… So we are here in Season 3/4… and beside that there are maybe a few new characters in the further Chapters its quiet the same like in the series. George has an affair with Izzie and is married to Calliope. God I'm that bad I know :D Hope you though enjoyed the Chapter and the following stories ;) Update when I'm back again!


	20. I won't be left

**Authors Note:**Ciao my lovely readers! I'm back again from Roma and even in my vacation I couldn't stop myself from writing YTOIDO so here is going to be the next Chapter! Thanks to all of you for your comments, you have always the power to amaze me =) So the song is… of course… by Tegan and Sara – "I won't be left". Again I'll be so glad to hear from you and I hope you'll like this and I'm sorry it took so long for me to write this.

All my best wishes for you, Take care and Arrivederci!

Sun

**Chapter 20 – I won't be left**

My life started 15 years ago. That's a simple statement, but for someone who doesn't know this story it's hard to understand.

When I sit in a bar drinking too much alcohol for my body and my mind to take, I answer a question this way.

"How old are you?" A sweet red haired woman asks me, trying to start a small – talk with me to start a something bigger, something big what leads to us getting naked and me fooling around to distract myself. But not tonight. Not anymore.

"My life started 15 years ago." I said taking another sip. She laughed, seeming slightly drunk.

"I know that people call themselves younger, feeling better when they conceal their true age. Girl, you're stunning, but don't you think it's a little bit over the top to cheat yourself thaaat young?"

I looked up smiling in a way only a love stoned person can. I said nothing and listened to her piercing laughter which caused me to close my eyes. I was in pain. So much pain it could only be drowned by alcohol.

I ordered another drink.

**I won't get mad when you say things are getting too hard  
I won't make all of your love so scared to come through our yard  
**

My life started 15 years ago when brown orbs dilated my skyline and this beautiful dark haired woman entered my life. Over 3 years later it ended abruptly.

I found myself in a hollow bubble were only one passenger could take a seat. Myself.

And this bubble was protected by an immeasurable wall around it. Like an embryo I stayed in the dark and waited.

In this night my life started again in a position no one in my life has ever seen me, but from this night on it was my favourite place to be: on my knees, in my bathroom, praying.

I don't know to whom I prayed, because I am not the girl who believed in God, not after what I've seen and experienced.

I believed there's a greater and higher being, there are miracles and love. There are people praying, believing, hoping and whishing and they feel better because of it. Sometimes sick people get better quicker just because they believe. And I believe that there are miracles. Maybe I even prayed to one of those higher beings, maybe to God or Allah, Shiva, Buddha or however you like to call it.

Maybe I was praying to her, hoping I'd be heard.

Maybe I was hoping for a miracle to happen.

I only know that it was a cold night around 3 o'clock in the morning and I cried loudly like the following nights.

It was just the start of my nightly prayers,

of my sleepless nights.

She said only two words, but they struck me so violently when I looked at her, saw her lips moving, her eyes burning, piercing through me and I knew it was the truth.

Her "I'm married" started my life again and ended it at the same time.

I didn't even have a chance to reply, to tell her everything I couldn't the passing years.

I tried to show her how I still felt for her and that I never stopped loving her; that she has always been in my heart since the day I first met her.

_I'm married._

**I won't scream in my head and let it isolate me  
I won't be left dancing alone to songs from the past**

I sobbed, snivelled furiously and I cried so much that a sea of my tears was covering the bathroom floor. A wide ocean filled with my shame and my fear, my pain and my despair, my regretting and my heartsickness.

_I won't be left._

As much as I tried to push away these words, my wish came rushing back too often. My hope made me say those things over and over again. _I won't be left. _

So many years I prayed for this moment to come.

I imagined it, what I would say, how I'd explain myself. I dreamed about how she would smile like she used to, how she would kiss me and tell me that she never left the place where we were meant to be. I told myself that she was waiting for me the way I was dreaming of her, never stopping to call out her name.

_I won't be left alone. I won't be left in the past._

At day I refused the idea, the wish, because I thought it could never become reality, but during the night I pined over for her; the imagination consumed me. And as much as I wanted to see her every single day, every passing minute, I couldn't feel her near me.

As much as I still loved her I hated her - in equal measure – because of her living on, because she forget me, even I couldn't resent any of it.

What I did to her was the biggest mistake I ever did.

I should have held our love right, because there are "small loving's" in our life, I'd call all my passing lovers like that, and they are making us to the person we are, but there's one big love.

There's one true love.

Every night I seem to repeat the prayers for over 8 days now and when I look in the mirror the next morning it's someone else I see. Not the girl I used to be.

People don't believe that you can be pined over one person year after year without ever stopping, until you can't even count the days, the weeks and the years anymore, because it's already for too long.

But I know that if you truly love someone this feeling never fades away. It's like an addiction.

Sometimes this addiction makes you feel awesome, you feel higher than anything and anyone else, and it makes you happy; it makes you a better person. But sometimes this addiction causes trouble and pain and it takes everything away from you, starting with your sleep, stopping with how your life used to be.

Sometimes I even can't go home. I stay in the hospital in one if those on call rooms always being ready to distract my mind with work. I can't find the strength to go there and be at a place where I should feel home and safe.

But insecurity, loneliness and depression always walk me home.

_Depression_ patterns me explicitly, blaming me that we are here.

_Loneliness_ shares the bed with me after asks me hurtful questions, trying to find out where I went wrong.

_Ins__ecurity_ sits down besides my bed and looks at me with sad eyes.

"You still love her, don't you?" I prevent to look at her, but I reply immediately.

"We wouldn't be here if I don't." Insecurity nods insightfully and then Loneliness starts to talk again. His word like knives.

"Why don't you go to her? Why don't you tell her what happened? Why don't you try everything you can to get her back, to make her part of your life again? You know that you love her more than anyone else ever could. So why are you hiding yourself, almost drinking yourself to death instead of getting her back? Who is the good man in the storm you used to be?"

Then I feel Insecurity's hand on my shoulder, rubbing it gently.

"You should better ask insecurity and her sisters' heartsickness and fear."

Loneliness is still here, looking straight into my open eyes. He lays there how Calliope used to lay in front of me.

Insecurity still sits on the stool beside my bed and I don't have to look up to know that Depression is watching me from the doorway, keeping me away from finally falling asleep.

Or I stay at the hospital for days, not wanting to go home, rather wanting for work to distract my mind. Sometimes it's the only thing I can do. And when the sound of the pager fills the air I'm almost happy that it keeps me away from my home, from my sleepless nights and my rough dreams.

But not if I come to this…

…...

"Denny Smith, 8 years old, He has been infected with Aids at his birth and from then on suffered a few hard colds. Today he broke his leg while he was playing with friends and immediately came here." Lexie Grey, a young girl with such an excellent knowledge stands there and talks, explaining the situation to me and Dr. Bailey, who is working with me on this case. She stands there still, not showing any real emotion, but 2 weeks working with her was enough to see through her hard and unemotional behaviour just hides her true feelings. Having a child on your own sometimes needs this kind of acting around sick children. But anyhow she's one of the best paediatric doctors I could educate and she shows her emotion at the right time.

For the first time I look away from the small boy lying on the bed, freeing my gaze to look at his father. He paces around, looking scared and uncomfortable. His eyes are saying sorry before he even opens his mouth.

"I… I know he only broke his leg, but it looked so bad and I'm scared he could get sick…" I stop him with laying my hand onto his shoulder, smiling understandingly his way.

It's always the problem with Aids carrying person. Just a little cold is enough to worry you through the mark. You can't be sure if it's growing away quickly or growing to something big. A lot of people in this world have a low immunity, but this is something else. It's worse. Worse than anything that could ever happen someone or a child… having aids means being separated from other children; it means parents being scared their children get infected just by playing with aids sick children. I'm glad Denny hasn't got this sort of problems, but laying her is something else.

"It's good you came. It's always necessary that you check on things like that. You did the right thing, Mr. Smith." I answer, nod and smile to reassurance him a little bit more. I need him to feel comfortable; I need him to be strong for himself and his son. And when he sighs relieved I look at his son again.

It's hurtful to look at him, but though I can't seem to look away.

Blue piercing eyes, ash blond hair and a smile no one could ever resist.

He seems so filled with joy and life that when I look at him I almost forget why he lays here.

When I look at him I see the same blue eyes, the same smile. He looks just like him. Just like a man I used to know, a man I wished I could see again. And for me it wasn't a man, because he will always stay my little brother.

I look at his smiling face, his big and innocent eyes and when he speaks up I hear his shallow voice. God, I almost forgot how he looked like and how he sounds. I look at him and I don't even recognize that Calliope enters; I first look away from the small boy when I hear her voice.

I look her in her eyes and I am immediately on fire, but I don't know if it's because I still long for her or if she is burning me completely down until nothing is left anymore, just with one glance.

I try to ignore her; I try to ignore our history to be able to look at her and work together with her. It's hard, but I can't let this beautiful boy down, just because my heart is aching for this woman who is still the same girl I loved.

"I already paged Dr. Torres for her consult…-" Dr. Grey almost says like she is sorry, like she feels the tension between us on her own and it's not really hard to get them. Because it's everywhere.

The tension, the unsaid words, the remaining feeling.

I wear this mask again.

This mask I curse, I damn, I hate and disdain. I promised myself not to let it disappear myself, but show everyone who I am and who I love.

I never wanted to pretend that I don't know her, that we have never seen each other.

I thought I could never lie to myself again.

But now I do, because the life we had together is gone in a way and we are not more than passenger in this room, in this hospital.

When I wear this mask everything else is gone.

"So my sweet boy, Dr. Torres is just checking your broken bones so you heal soon and you can play with your friends, okay? You are a strong and brave boy, I know that. You are a little soldier…"

I hear the words leaving my mouth before I can stop them and when I'm standing besides him stroking his ash blond hair to settle him down I feel her eyes on me.

But she looks away immediately trying to concentrate on the sick boy in front of us like I try to ignore that she is in the room. But when he takes my hand in pain while he is checking out his wounds, and I stroke his head and I finally hear her voice entering my ears I can't forget that she's here. I look up and I know this glance, I know what will come next, because I know her to well.

**I won't mistake you for problems with me  
I won't let my moods ruin this you'll see  
**

"Dr. Robbins… could you come outside with me for a second?" I look at her, my eyes turning a darker shade and I can't breathe anymore.

I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I want to say: Leave me alone. Please. Leave me alone.

I can't look her into the eyes without being reminded of our situation: we are here, again, but we are also so far away from each other. There is a wall I can't break, a wall that it's up since her 'I'm married' entered my world and threw me apart.

But instead of saying anything, instead of making a scene I follow her outside the room.

"Excuse me please for a moment." I say, sending both of them one of my biggest dimple smile and Mr. Smith nods, but it's Denny who holds onto me.

"You come back later and we play cards or something else? Or will you read out a story to me?"

I look back into his children blue eyes.

He looks so fragile and innocent and I remember him looking the same when he was young. Dakota and I always called him the shy and sweet boy, our pet of the family who could melt you with a simple glance, making you do everything he wants.

Until he was the one who wanted to do something which took him away from us, from me, until I had to try hard to remember the last day I saw his smile.

I have to try so hard to tear away my gaze from his eyes, his smile and his overwhelming joy.

Even if I'd want I couldn't say no. And I didn't even want to say no.

"Of course I will come back." I reply, knowing that he misses his mother, knowing how much he needed his big sister sometimes and so I'm going to sit there and read out as long as I have to keep him happy.

But now it's her… her I don't know eyes. Her cold eyes? Her mad eyes? Her worried eyes?

I can't read in them anymore. I just listen to her words outside the room.

"What do you want?" I hiss, not wanting to be near her, but wanting to be with her so badly.

"You are a way to close with him, Arizona. You are too close and you know that. He is 8 years old; he already has a small infection thanks to his broken leg. You know he has Aids and you know that this could be worse than we think now. You shouldn't…" She speaks softly, but with a determination I can't take from her now.

"Don't tell me what I shouldn't do." I reply, spitting through my teethes. "You can't tell me what I should and shouldn't do anymore. It's not in your interest, you are NOT allowed to anymore."

It's the only thing I have to say to her.

I have to make this ghost going away, leaving me alone, because with her I can't breath.

I can't listen to her soft words, trying to keep me safe when she isn't completely mine. I just can't…

And so I went back into the room, taking the stool beside his bed and I start to talk to him, ignoring Calliope who is coming back inside the room too. But I'm not focused on her or my still lingering feelings anymore, but only on him and the boy I see in him.

…...

Sometimes you should follow your mind and not your heart.

Yes, sometimes you know what is going to happen if you actually follow your heart, but you can't stop either.

So I sat there talking to him, telling him stories of strong princess, elves, dragons, princesses who needed to be saved and bad witches. I saw him laughing, being frightened, or anticipated. I saw him smiling and I said good night to him.

Everything I did made me go back, it made me shiver and it threw me back.

It made me remember things I fought so hard to forget. But it still lingered everywhere, as hard as I fought it would always linger within me and no one was there to hold me when I needed it the most. She wasn't there to make it go away and so I sit down, closing my eyes before the memories came rushing back, the phone firm clenched in my hand.

_I don't remember the day clearly. I don't remember how I woke up. I don't remember what I did first and how I got to work, even it was all the same. _

_The same morning coffee, the same lonely morning thoughts or the trying to get out of someone's __flat after a long night._

_It was the same smell of sick, desperate, sad or even healthy and happy people when I entered the hospital like every morning. _

_I only remember the pouring rain so clearly__, I still feel it on my skin. It was a burning rain. It burnt my skin down in so many ways, it intermixed with m tears and it took my breath away in the worse way. I remember how the rain struck me so hard and suddenly like the embassy, like the cold and hard words. _

_Before it happened I was busy like always, running through the hospital corridors to my next patient. I had a big drama coming in, a 16 year old boy with broken rips and inner bleedings; but then I ran through the corridors to my next case when the sound of my pager filling the air. I was called by Dr. Keys while I entered the peds floor, my floor, again to find my next patient and get back to Keys who paged endlessly. _

"_Hey Bets, could you give this case to Dr. Sheen, Keys paged me." I asked the nurse with my 100 Watt Smile I knew no one would be able to resist. She nodded, before she spoke up again._

"_But I think he wants to see you…" She replied._

"_Yeah, but I've just been paged by Keys, so could you please get the file to him?" I already turned around knowing that Key wouldn't page me without any reason and so I tried to hurry up._

"_He was really specific to see you in person."_

_I sigh deeply and walk up to the place where I expect him to be. He walks out of the O.R. brightly smiling when he sees me._

"_Oh Dr. Robbins! Good to see you! I wanted to ask you about an operation. It hasn't been done very often…"_

"_Death rate?"_

"_Almost over 60%... but I want to try it, and I want you to assist me.__ I know you are able to."_

_I have always been a good surgeon, I've been asked and not only one hospital asked me to work for them. I know I am more than just good, but getting an offer like this always makes my heart jump. It makes me feel taller like I can really help to change and heal something and try something bigger. I can be at destiny's right hand and fight to save a children's life. It's immense. The feeling to be able to help. I hug him and thank him, bouncing up and down, saying thank you a thousand times, before the pager sound fills the air again. _

"_Sorry. It's the ER." I say and smile brightly like one of the biggest goal is mine and in a way it really is. I step outside the elevator, bouncing up and down, hugging Teddy as I see her coming up._

_Teddy Altman is one of the best surgeons I've ever met and she's also my best friend. She's the first one I told about Calliope and she's always there. Without her, I guess, I couldn't stay up straight, because it was her who built me up during the drunken nights and helped me to at least try and go on. But now she looks differently and she sounds so strange when she speaks up._

"_Arizona… I need to talk to you…"_

"_Yeaah, I need to talk to you too! Sheen actually asked me to assist him at a difficult surgery. I know it's nothing special but he never likes to ask someone to assist him and he's the chief! So YAY!"_

"_Yeah… Yeah… that's great…" She says, shaking her head, but his serious and worrisome expression not leaving her face one second. _

"_Wow! T__ry to contain your enthusiasm! You almost explode so happy you seem for me!" I say frowning as I walk by. _

"_Well, Ari, I… I really need to tell you something."_

"_Yeah, Keys is paging me…"_

"_I… I know… and it's important… Ari… Listen…"_

_She tries to tell me something until I reach Cathleen, one of the nurses, who looks at me with compassionated eyes. But she can't anymore. It's too late when I hear her voice, already knowing what she wants to say._

"_Dr. Robbins… there are two men here to see you… from the army…" _

_I don't know if this was the moment when I stopped breathing or if it was the next when I spinned around, seeing how they stood up from their stools, waiting for me._

"_The Army?" I whispered and she simply nodded. Maybe then I stopped existing for the instant truth to roll in. _

"_We… we tried to find you…" Teddy says, but it doesn't change anything. I almost don't hear her speaking. I only find the power to walk. Take a step after the other, until I stand in front of two men in green uniforms._

"_Dr. Robbins?"_

_I breathe out a small "Yes" before they continue. _

"_I'm captain Elance and this is father Morris. Is there a more private place where we can talk?"_

_As a doctor I know it's never good. Never good to say that. It's never good to look at someone this way. I know how it is to show someone your deepest sympathy, your condolence. I wish they wouldn't have looked that way in my direction, their eyes narrowing, their head bent, and their hearts directly on their sleeves. _

"_Can you tell me why you are here please?" I do not dare to look at them, my eyes searching a place to stay, but I always get back to theirs. _

"_I really think it'd be better…"_

_A harsh "Tell me" is falling from my lips as tears are rolling down my cheeks. _

"_Ma'am, the secretary of the army would like to express his deepest regret…"_

"_There must be a mistake…" I interrupt his mechanical speech, but he continues._

"… _Your Brother Denny Robbins was killed in action."_

"_No…no… there has to be a mistake. I'm sorry… you have to stop… Denny is coming home. He wasn't in action anymore. He had 2 more days to stay until he'd come home. He can't be killed." _

"_He was killed when his truck was hit by an outside bomb." His words so dry, his eyes so shameful, before he starts to speak again. To speak about the army, his deepest sympathy like any of his words could bring him back. I let it sink in, the truth, before I shake my head._

"_I… I'm sorry… I'm working… I won't do this right now…"_

_I don't even know I found the strength to walk, but I stumbled outside. I walked by, ignoring everything until I stepped onto the roof and into the rain. Here I tried to hide myself from everyone, even from myself, but most of all from the truth. And here it comes crashing down like the rain._

_I don't know how long I stood there until I fell on my knees and how long my mind fought an inner battle to decide not to jump; but after an eternity I felt arms around me and even I wished it was her, cause I needed her more than anything, I knew it was Teddy and I sinked down, let myself falling back where she held me sound and safe. _

…...

I was dialling the oh so well known number – for the first time in a few weeks and I felt relieved as her name was spoken out at the end of the other line. I sighed and spoke out content "It's me, Arizona.", but at the same time I was shaking from all the feelings that came rushing through my body.

Vulnerable is a word I always tried to banish; but if it comes to Calliope and Denny I am vulnerable and fragile. And it always comes to them. How could I ever forget?

"I know I promised to call but the passing weeks… I just didn't know what to say. I needed time to sort things out… I'm sorry… it's just…" I apologize and when she asks what's wrong and how I feel with a worried 'I'm your friend and I'm there for you' voice it's only one thing I have to say.

"The last time we talked you wanted to get away from San Francisco. I might get you a job offer." And then it's there. A simple statement, hushed secretly, but I am sure she heard.

"I need you here."

Almost 5 minutes later I headed to the chiefs office before I'd went to Joe's, a bar not far away from the hospital, to start my usual evening process: drinking until your mind is a blur and your heart pain is almost gone, not important compared to the hangover you'll have the other day or at least I've something else to be miserable about; not only bout my heart.

…...

_(Calliope's pov)_

She distracts me.

I don't know how but she does.

And here I lied again: I know how she is able to distract me from everything.

First there were her glances, her soft but also determined words, her immeasurable velvet lips and her hands all over me.

Words I wanted to hear, to enter my universe, but got lost in a black hole. _I can't do this. I'm married. _

I told myself over and over again, until the words actually entered my mouth to leave it as soon as it rushed through my mind to take her aback just like the words did with me.

Her eyes changed, the colour faded as soon as they darkened, then her whole face blanketed and her feet took her away from me.

She avoided me for days and I knew it was the best. But I didn't want it to be the best, because it felt worse. It felt wrong, like I was betraying myself. And I did.

But standing there, watching her how she acted around her patient warmed my heart. She was still the same. In all these passing years she's still beautiful; her blue eyes cans till capture me and she still smells, tastes, feels and touches me the same way.

I love how she cares and I love her that she cares so much, but it worried me deeply. She has always been a kind soul, so natural beauty and tender, and her work proofed it once again.

But things are differently sometimes. Sometimes people die too young and I'm scared it will be with this sweet boy the same.

And I knew it would break her, it would beat her up.

I hated myself for it, because I knew it was wrong, but I still cared, deeply.

And looking at her now wasn't making it better. It was like a spell when I entered Joe's with Mark, Little Grey, Yang and the others like every night when our shift was over, and immediately saw her sitting at the counter. And my heart ached, like every time I saw her but knew I couldn't go over and talk to her, kiss her and be with her.

**I won't take everything good and move it away  
****I won't be left dancing along to songs from the past**

I sat down, ordered a drink and drowned it as my eyes captured her body and I followed her movements mechanical.

I feared that it was too obvious how much I stared at her, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from her.

A part of me still hated her for leaving me, at least I tried to; but the bigger part was falling in love again the moment I saw her. I couldn't stop myself from looking at her and neither couldn't I stop myself from loving her, so I didn't even tried anymore.

My desire was burning a hole in my heart; I needed her just like the years ago and seeing her drowning one drink after the other made me shake even more. We both know how bad she reacts to alcohol and I don't think that ever changed.

I remember clearly the night she first got really badly drunk and Jordan, Anna and I had to bring her to my place anyhow.

Let's just say it was harder then trying to get Darth Vader back to the good side or then cracking the Mafia in Italy.

Either she giggled (in the sweetest way. God you'd forgive her everything if she looks like that), or acted like a superhero, jumping around and trying to fly (she actually thought that jumping up and down would help her to lift-off) or we needed (and that was the last instant) to get her half –consciousness – sleeping self into my bed.

At the end I found her throwing up and witnessing she would never drink ever again.

I stroked her hair firmly and smiled how cute she was when she was pouting, even she looked sick.

Then I helped her into the bed again and she hugged me like she sometimes hugged her pillow softly, snoring or breathing heavily the whole night, sometimes even murmuring about how bad she felt.

The next morning we both woke up with a headache. She because of her last night drunken state and I because I stayed up the whole night to take care of her.

5 hours after she was waking up she already came up with her curing method "cure for headaches that doesn't involve coffee – prescribe by Arizona Robbins", but she never drunk so much again.

Maybe it worried me that I couldn't care officially and take care of her during the nightly hours.

Maybe I was so captivated by her behaviour because I shouldn't be interested in how she feels anymore or maybe because each passing minute I went back in time looking at this wonderful beautiful girl, looking so numb and lost.

Or it was just the mix of all of that together, revealing me that after all my feelings for her never changed.

Mark talks to me; it seems like his voice is coming from far away, only his mouth shows me that he actually tries to tell me something.

I look up and see her stumbling into the bathroom and from then on nothing else matters.

"Excuse me."

I say, ignoring the way Mark looks at me, obviously trying to warn me.

Though my heart is speaking louder than my discretion ever could and I followed her like I should have 15 years ago when she numbly walked out of my room.

…...

_(Arizona's pov)_

Someone once said that being drunk is the best if your heart is melting in the worst way.

He said that a cold beer, a shot or a nice hard drink is always helping. I believed him.

I sat down and hoped that drinking so much that I had more alcohol in my circle than water or anything else to count.

They said alcohol would always help, it would help.

Now I think they lied to me, because it never helps. It makes me sick, so sick that I can't breath or concentrate on anything else.

My world is spinning and instead of keep being focused on one thing it's more than that. I don't know what to do anymore, what to think and how to feel. It's a blur, the end of something great, the start of a new life in Seattle.

Outside the rain is falling as I'm drowning another drink, pouring down everything that has been; until my feet drag me away from here into a room with more privacy where I can just let myself come down for a few seconds.

I walk into the bathroom bluntly, not wasting any time to get to the mirror, supporting myself with my hands on the washbowl where I try to steady myself and focus. I think my whole body is shaking from all the alcohol.

I'm so lost in my own thoughts I almost don't get it when the door first opens and then silently closes again.

I first see the other person standing right behind me when I look up into the mirror, seeing her beautiful features, and I think before, I didn't know what shaking really is.

I didn't even have to look up to know that it is her, her scent is filling the air, it's intoxicating for me, but it shouldn't be anymore.

I want to be mad at her; I even want to hate her, because she betrayed the thought of us.

But how can I resent any of that? How can I look her into the eyes and hate her when I actually love her?

I prevent to look at her, spitting out annoyed: "What do you want?"

I don't want to sound so harsh, but it's the only thing I can say, because I know I need to control myself from not falling into her arms, making it harder as it already is.

"You shouldn't drink so much, Arizona. I… I watched you from across the bar and… You know what it does to you." But with her voice so soft and carrying it's so hard – so hard to resist, so hard staying away.

**I know you're sad even though you say that you're not  
I know you're scared even though you say that you're not**

"Leave me the fuck alone, Callie." I press those words out of my snarled teeth, pressing my fingers immeasurable into the cold tile.

"I know you don't care." I almost hush as I push myself away from the basin, away from her, away from my love. I want to hide like I tried to hide myself in here, but she doesn't let me go. She can't like I can't either.

She grabs my wrists in a strong but not hurtful way, right before she is pressing me right against the tile cold wall, only our hot bodies remaining.

"I still care. I do care." She speaks out every single word with reassurance and power.

"So I ask you to stop."

She holds me in place, her body so firmly pressed against mine. She wouldn't have to get so near, because of her hand still holding my wrist, I couldn't escape. But I feel that she wants it; she wants it as much as I need it. "We both know how you react to it."

I try hard, I scream at myself literally, I try to force myself away, rush out of this bathroom and leave her behind. But she's so close, so _fucking_ close I breathe the same air she is, I could touch her lips just by moving forward.

I can't focus or concentrate on what's ethically right and what's wrong. I only know how it was and that it always will be right.

I lick my lips slowly, never turning my gaze away from her.

We are both captured, not in the past, but here and now, where she is pressed against me.

"We both know how I react to you. I know what you do to me. You said you are married… but you don't stop doing this. You don't stop giving me the feeling that you care… You don't stop and I can't either… and I… I know you more than anyone else, Calliope." She breathes slowly, her eyes never leaving mine and her body is not leaving any space between us either.

"I know how your lips move with anticipation, how your eyes narrow to my lips, fixating them. I know the feeling of your soft breath on my skin and how it slows down before you kiss me. I can even hear your heart beat… and I feel it…"

I raise my hand for the first time, not only being pressed against the wall, but touching her. My hand is on her chest, not only watching but feeling it raising up and falling down again.

So close to her it almost hurts; but much more far away, I'd die without her nearness.

And finally I ask her what I thought all the time, but what I wasn't able to form my thoughts with my lips and share all of that with her.

"I'm not left in the past alone, aren't I? I know how you feel… I know how…"

I don't know how quick it happened or how I was able to stand up straight. Maybe because of her firm grip, one hand on my hip and the other tangled up in my hair, as she kissed me passionately.

I don't know, but I know I'd have rather died than giving up this feeling; this sensation and letting her go.

She didn't say a word, but it was clear that she was feeling the same as she moaned softly, as she introduced her tongue after licking over my lips and asking for permission.

After all these years it still feels the same, only more desperate and almost sad, for good, like we both know how it will end. But there's a desire I can't explain, I only feel.

It's strong, hot like fire, burning everything else down. There's only us, no one is occupying this moment and it's her I feel, only her, even through our clothes.

She doesn't have to say anything, her action speaks out loud everything she couldn't say and Calliope doesn't even hesitates or try to fumble with my trousers button; She slips her hand inside and I gasp loudly.

I want to say so much, but no word is leaving my mouth.

She touches me oh so gently, stroking firmly through my folds and she kisses me passionately slowly when she enters me abruptly.

It feels like I'm fading out when this feeling evacuates my whole being.

My breath cracked. God I stopped breathing all the way, only listening to her loud breath, taking in every movement she's making.

It feels so good, _oh so good_.

She pushes herself deeper and it feels like with each push she drags me higher up the wall or maybe it is, because my feet and my knees aren't working anymore and she supports my body only with her bare hand.

I want to scream out loud, but she silences me with her mouth.

Erstwhile she loved to hear me come only capturing my mouth in a searing kiss, because she was turned on by the vibration, feeling me in every possible. Now it was to silence me while she was pleasuring me in a dirty bathroom or she wanted to feel me like before.

I don't know how long we stood there, moaning, kissing, her fingers forming a steady rhythm, but when I came nothing mattered anymore.

The past. The present. The time. The place. That she was married and that I should try to avoid her. She was here with me and nothing else counted anymore.

Her fingers still inside me she kissed me, kissed my already numb lips, until she pulled out her hand and licked her fingers clean. Then she kissed me once again.

**Would you stay home and keep our memories warm with me  
Would you give all your love for a run at the past with me**

This time it was slower, coming to a painful ending with short ragged kisses.

I didn't dare to open my eyes, scared how the future would look like, and seeing what I already knew.

It took me minutes to come down, but my fingers were still tangled up in her long brown hair.

Then I said them. Sweet, tender and desperate words leaving so much space to be gathered and drowned in hopelessness.

"Come home with me…"

She let the words sink in, waiting, breathing slowly in and out, almost painfully; I could even hear her heart pounding fast.

We both knew her answer, before it was spoken out, but it didn't hurt any less.

"I can't…"

And with that she left me behind.

**Would you stay home and keep our memories warm with me  
Would you give all your love for a run at the past with me**

**I know you're sad even though you say that you're not  
I know you're scared even though you say that you're not**

_(Calliope's pov)_

Bittersweet love is a love I have, a love I long for.

She made me to this lovesick teenager again, being devastated by a kiss in a dirty bathroom like years ago.

But this time it was more, it was worse and it left my heart aching for her a little bit more.

I walked out, numbly. I knew the truth.

Yes, it was like a spell that draw us together and a grudge that forbid that we could be something.

I didn't even try to hide the truth from Mark who was leaning against the wall outside the bathroom looking at me with dooming eyes.

He has been there, the whole time, taking care that nobody would disturb us, and I've never seen him like that, so concerned.

He never liked George, but in a way he already felt what Arizona was for me. A drug.

But if it would help me, heal me, make me happy or if she would bring me down, tear me up and make me loose myself like before, wasn't clear.

"You play with the fire, Torres."

"No." I turn around, hissing.

"I waited for the fire. I was frozen! FROZEN! Frozen for years. I need the fire. I AM the fire!"

And then I leave him behind just like I left her behind before, wandering around with nowhere to go.

But I can't go where my heart takes me to.


	21. Through the dark

**Authors Note:** You are all amazing! Really! :) You make this fic to what it really is, so thanks for that so much! I wish I could reply each of you here, but that would mean the half of this Chapter would include answers, so I just thank all of you very much. I hope you know what your commenting means to me :) Here is the next Chapter of part c and soon there will be all you waited for (I guess), the big talk between Ari/Callie and just let's hope that the talk is good ;) The Music during the Chapter is Alexis Murdoch – Through the dark. All worth listening to!

And sorry that it took me so long… School started again and I'll have my final exam next January so this will take baby steps from now… but I'll always think about it and I'll try my best to keep it up :) thanks to all of you for waiting!

So enjoy reading and all my best wishes for you,

-Sun

**Chapter 21 – ****Through the dark**

I'm going out, I'm gonna make a name for me and you  
They can never say I never cared for you  
'cause it's just not true

I know your vices and those are your choices  
and I want to be there for you  
This blaze of sunrise is burning in my eyes  
And I want them to burn here with you

**Rachael Cantu – I'm gonna make a name for me and you**

If you have never seen the sunset you don't know what life means.

Seeing the sun switching with the moon in the evening and waiting until the sunrise the next day, you've truly missed something. You've missed the atmosphere, the warmth evacuating your body, never leaving it the whole night, no matter how cold it is outside.

Only the sight, the feeling, counts. Nothing else.

Now it was me, sitting in my car, seeing the sunrise after ages ignoring it willingly. I can't tell how much I missed it until I saw it right in front of my eyes.

Tears start to well up so quickly it takes everything to not let them grace my face.

I know I'm alone in this car, even alone on this road, nobody could see my infirmity, but it would be evidently in my eyes for hours. I'm alone and I have to be able to settle myself down; as alone as I am here, alone as the sun is rising on the beautiful sky on its own.

I know I need to be able to control this feeling evacuating my body now like it usually filled my heart with warmth, comfort and love years ago. Now I feel cold, shaking cold in this car where warmth is coming mechanically out of this system. But I don't want to be heated at the push of a simple button.

I want to feel warm again.

Warming up inside, starting with my heart, and this beautiful soft and muted feeling rushing through my veins.

The last time I saw the sun rising or settling down I was engaged with the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

I sat down in her arms talking about this great big house with enough rooms, enough space, a beautiful veranda; a place where we could grow old together watching all the sunrises and sunsets we can, until we got tired and fed and decide to head into bed, spending there as long as we could. Kissing, a lot of kissing, holding each other close, breathing each others scent, watching the other sleep. Everything, just being together. I'd do anything with her, if it's just her at my side.

I had her back. Only an instant, but I felt her, so close again. And I was falling deeper when her action spoke louder than any word, and her heart whispered the truth, only for me to hear.

But I could not only hear, but I could feel all of it. It was true.

But as soon as it started, we both went to an endlessly end again. As endlessly as the hope can be hopeless sometimes.

Though as I stand at the gate, waiting for the mechanical doors to open and reveal my best and needed friend, I promise myself that today it's not about me and Calliope. It's about Dr. Teddy Altman, the new doctor at Seattle Grace.

The feeling at an airport is always the same.

Forget the rush, the fear of missing your flight. Besides of the immeasurable stress and bustled people with too much and too have luggage, there are all kinds of people. People from all over the world; and as different as they are, at one moment, when they see and recognize the person they love and missed in the crowd, already waiting for them, they all look just the same. I love those glances, those smiles, tears of happiness spreading into their eyes.

I remember it clearly. There are so many people, hundred pairs of eyes, but one pair of eyes are only meant for you to be seen.

Ghosts are rushing by and as I stand there I spin around, remembering the times where we've been one of them.

I always ran up to her, ignoring where I left my baggage or what people could say. I just wanted to finally reach her, jump and sneak my arms around her neck and my legs around her hips and kiss her full and already waiting lips.

It was heaven and pure hell at the same time, because we already knew we would stand here again, maybe 2 days or longer; standing there at the same spot, but this time saying goodbye for another endlessly time of never passing weeks.

Could we be married now? Happy and Together?

Just her and I, if I wouldn't have accepted the offer to study far away from her?

A small whisper already knowing the answer, trying to share the hurtful and undeniable truth with me, and I know if I could I would change the day I decided to go immediately.

But I can't, and so I stand here, waiting for my friend, waiting for someone, something to save me.

And when the doors open and she finally is stepping out with 5 other people and her eyes are searching for mine, I start to cry. I don't have the strength to withhold. I don't know if it's because of Calliope, of the ghosts still lingering in this room or because I can't believe that I see her again. All I can purely say: I cried because of love.

**Someone reaching for me now  
Through the dark, reaching for me now**

_(Calliope's pov)_

A marriage means being one, getting through all the bad and good times, together.

Being married means loving and being there for each other, no matter what. It means giving up yourself, but not loosing yourself completely, because there's always the other one to catch you and remind you of the person you were.

I always thought that marriage means being happy and feeling safe and home, and when hard times are crashing down, interrupting your joyful days, you don't run. You are strong enough to get through anything. You withstand everything, because you are bond, because you care deeply for the other person. You want to be with the person you married, the person you love.

I sit at home, a beer in my hands, the second one, while I'm resting on the couch. When I look around I wonder how far away I came from what I really wanted.

I am married, but though I feel like I'm still on my own, all these years after I was left behind. I still live on my own, only sharing this flat with my roommate and friend Christina while George still lives with Meredith and Izzy like he did when we first met.

Over 30, married, unhappily, living at separated places.

I try to recall the day when we decided we would let it stay that way and I also try to remember how bad I felt. Did I already ask myself where this should lead? Did I already wonder why we couldn't seem to find the strength, the will or maybe even the love to act like a married couple?

The marriage was rushed and maybe the stupidest thing I've ever done. But it was what I needed and it was so differently from what I had planned with her, and that was what I needed from him.

Maybe it was my fault. My fault to expect so much.

I thought I love him, that's what I can finally confess to myself, but now I'm not so sure anymore. George and I have barely seen each other these days and it's not because of our work, like we always try to pretend. We pretend.

Maybe it's because of his… friendship… with Izzy, maybe it's because if my… I… I don't know. Maybe it'd be the same without Izzy or Arizona... But maybe we both just waited for something, for someone to break in so we had a reason to drift apart, something to justify the end of the beginning.

We've never helped each other through the good and the bad times. We just tried to be free, for distraction, because of the need to be finally loved.

We both expected too much.

I expected love. Life saving love.

I know I shouldn't feel like that, but I do.

I know I should love him, but I don't.

I know I should love him… I know that I can't leave him, because no matter where or when or how rushed things happened… he is still my husband and I'm his wife.

But why, why then, why do I feel her lips on mine when I raise my hands to my mouth and not his?

"_Come home with me…"_ Was all she said to me. No real word followed afterwards, because we have already said enough. With our mouth and our lips. "_I can't_…"

We both know that I wanted her the way I should only long for my husband, god she even knew that I still love her the way I once did. I think this feeling never really faded away in both of us and we were just growing older, but the rest is still the same.

So there followed stolen glances, unspoken words, smiles, brief touches growing into heavy sighs and loud groans.

We sneaked into on call rooms, kissing without breathing, making out without caring, cause together, alone, we didn't care about the world around us. Only the desire we felt was needed.

After the incident in the bathroom I knew her eyes were afflicted with an despair I couldn't name, cause I've never seen it. Never seen it in this way.

We repeated it over and over again, hungrily looking at each other, desperate needing body contact – skin on skin – lips on lips. It was like a roller coaster – so fast, nerve racking good, powerful like a drug and never ending.

No matter how hard I tried I couldn't get out of this swirl. I couldn't force myself away from her.

"Touch me…" She whispered in my ears, leaning against the door. I looked up into her darkening eyes and I was frozen at her words.

I had heard her saying it so many times in the past. But this time it was so differently, so new, so needing, longing.

She took my hand before I could react and she showed me where she needed me to touch her. I crawled down her trained stomach and into her scrub pants where she waited for me in a hurtful and throbbing anticipation. I closed my eyes, feeling so pure, good and relieved when I came in contact with her – so intimately and close.

I lifted her off the ground and like she remembered the past, she knew what I wanted and sneaked her legs around me, pushing herself against me as good as our still remarking clothes allowed it.

"Make me come… Make me feel you…"

She said as she was looking into my eyes, right before we lost each other again. Lost we got, each time we were there and I wish we could get lost in reality. Only the both of us, without the need to hide.

Minutes later when she came it was like I heard her humming the words softly, words I haven't heard in quiet a time. I heard her sighing while she was closing her eyes, coming down from a high. I tried to ignore it so hard, trying to keep myself away from answering her.

Her low "I love you" made it real and that's what it is.

It's real. It's what I want and it's her I love.

Taking another sip from my bear I try to ignore the things I already know and try to realize and understand that some things in life are not meant to be.

But why does it feel like we are?

**Someone reaching for me now  
Through the dark, reaching for me now**

**Ooooh**

_(Arizona's pov)_

"And how was your flight?" I ask, but I don't wait for her to explain.

"Oh, I always loved flying! I mean… you sit beside a stranger, but you always find something to talk about! Isn't that funny? You can talk about where you are from and what you are doing at your destination and then suddenly you find yourself caught in the middle of a conversation! You can even talk about flying! Gosh! That's amazing!" I was laughing bluntly.

"Oh and when I was flying for the first time – it was pretty funny – because I was very young and just imagine me, 8 years old. God I was so nosy and I wanted to know anything so I asked this poor guy who sat beside me – you have to know my family and I had splitter seats- so I started to talk and asked him and…"

I talked so fast, I rambled and nervously laughed, I stumbled over my own words, until she interrupted me with a harsh: "Arizona!"

I purred red wine into our glasses, talked endlessly, and sat down on the couch besides Teddy, but I didn't stop one single second while I was doing it, and Teddy knew me well enough to know why I did it. Because every time I was nervous or didn't know what to do I start doing this. I used to avoid a hurtful topic by talking about rainbows, sunshine, about the future, events, holidays or love. Or maybe even about flying.

But Teddy knows me, she knows how I work, and most of all she knows that I don't beg or ask for help…. She knows that I need her.

"As much as I like to hear stories from your past, Arizona, we already left the small talk behind when you told me why you painted the wall white and brown and not in rainbow colours like you first wanted to – and that for 10 whole minutes… so please, Ari… You called me, you got a new job for me, for which I'm grateful for, cause I needed to get out – but you didn't do it because of nothing… so, tell me now… What's going on?"

I need a minute, a long sip, to compose myself and be ready to tell her what bothers me for so long now and I couldn't talk with anyone, cause no one knew.

I look up, directly into her concerned eyes.

"I have an affair."

I let the truth sink in as she catches her breath, before I speak out what's only worse.

"I have an affair with a married woman, who should be mine…"

"Oh God…"

"Yeah, that's what I thought too…" I say and we start to giggle, until the silence captures both of us again. There's no hilarity, no euphemism to enlighten the situation. She knows of whom we talk.

"Does she love you?" Teddy suddenly asks and I have to look away.

"That doesn't matter…"

"In the end, it's all that matters, Ari…"

I sigh, a single tear cascading down my face. "I don't know…"

_During the hot days (and let's face it, in Miami, you don't know what cold really means if you haven't put your head in the fridge for a few seconds each and every day) we spent our time at the sea, on the beach or searching a place to lie on, on the grass. Only the both of us – enjoying the moment as it is – pure and perfect._

_There were many days, so many days with her I remember, but this day is so clearly presented, printed down in my head, because it was one of the days I spent with her when we barely saw each other. It was printed down in my head like a rolling tattoo, so unbound and free like 3 butterflies flying by, but knowing where they belong… I remember it clearly. _

_She sat on the grass watching me, while I leaned against a tree holding a daisy in my hands. I loved them; they are cute, innocent, and beautiful and they always remind me of the stupid games we played in kindergarten, trying to fin out whether we kiss a boy or not._

_I looked at Calliope, sharing a brief glance, a wide smile, as I started one of those games again. _

"_She loves me, she loves me not."_

"_What are you doing?" She asked as I started to whisper and plug one white blossom after the other. _

"_I'll find out if you love me…" I answered, grinning mischievously, as she started to laugh as soon as she heard my reply. _

"_And what does it say?" _

"_Well… you love me, you love me not. You love me, you love me not. You love me… YOU love me NOT, Calliope! Something to say to your defence?" _

"_Isn't this ring evidently enough for my defence?" _

"_No!" I started to pout, knowing what magic it would do. As smart as my little brother I've been too, finding out early how to get what I want. And Calliope could never resist my pouting, or my dimples. _

"_Okay… what do I need to do then?" She asked rolling her eyes, but a small still displayed on her lips. _

"_Hmmm… kiss me 1000x times…" I say with a smirk. _

"_When to start?"_

"_Now__…"_

_She leaned forward her hand on my cheek as her lips softly graces mine in a slow but tender kiss. As many times as I kissed her and as corny as it sounded, I got never tied of kissing her. Love. That what love is. Always experiencing something new with the same person over and over again. Making each and every kiss like the first one. When I kissed her it was like something familiar, but also knowing that this would last forever and I would never need someone else, except of her. _

"_I love you, and I'll promise I'll kiss you more than 1000__th__ times from now on to come until my last day…"_

"Do you love her?" I laugh dryly and it's the first time I look in her eyes for minutes, pain, sorrow but also never ending love displaying in my eyes.

"More than words can say… but I… I did a mistake… a big mistake…"

"Yes, Arizona, you did a mistake… But you are only human, we all are… and if you truly love someone, forgiveness is always possible. It's what you do, forgiving. So if you love her, fight for her."

**Someone reaching for me now  
Through the dark, reaching for me now  
**

_Some People say__ that you can't remember the good parts of your childhood, only the bad things that had happened. _

_But I can truly say it's not the truth. Not for me. _

_I remember so many things, so many hours I spent with my brothers__ and my parents. I remember all the funny parts, the holidays, the laughter and the joy._

_I remember what brats we were._

_We were military brats, 2 boys and a girl who acted like a boy. Just like my old brother I used to have fights in the dirt, I played Indiana Jones and watched Star Wars; I used to wear white tops with square shirts on and my blond long hair held__ up in a messy pony tail._

_It was one of those sunny days I remember __when we played outside with our neighbour kids, playing ball or hiding games. And it came to a point where my brothers and I couldn't behave anymore. Everyone knew we were military brats, but they also knew that fooling around with us wouldn't work, because we were known as the nice but also tough kids. Only Matt Steinmeier from across the street started this again, separating us from the others, attacking us, because our Dad had a so called "special job". A job which caused us to move around an he had an other job than the other parents. _

_So Matt Steinmeier started this game and the others shared it immediately, not willing to disagree in any way. _

_And well the end of the story __was that we all found each other on the ground, dirty, screaming, and welting with each other. I found myself calling out "Come on fight, Denny! Fight!" Because he was the sweet boy from next door, not killing a flee, but they didn't resist in mocking or scuffling with him. And all of us first stop when my Dad stood there, looking angrily at us. He stood there with his usual military respect glance and what the others and Matt said about him and our family was long forgotten when he sent them home. No, it really wasn't easy all the time, but we were children, just like they were and we fought, we played and we had to learn. _

_It wasn't the first and it wasn't the last time this happened, but it was the only time I clearly remember, because it was the day I first heard the speech and I recall it now, because now it's all I have._

"_All of you have taken leave of your senses! You should know better about things like that!" He doesn't scream. He doesn't yell. Nothing. His voice is louder than usual, but he also stays calm. We know how he acts when he is filled with rage. Seeming calm, but being__ furious. His face and his eyes are telling me everything I need to know. Angry and disappointed at the same time; sad, that his children did something like that. Fighting._

"_But… but… but…" Denny blabbering, trying to be a strong boy, not crying. But his voice is already quivering. Yeah, he has this weird problem for respect person, just like me. "You've once told us to be strong… to be a good man in the storm… and we… we tried to be!"_

_The look in his eyes changed from one second to the other. So abruptly I was shaken immediately. I have never seen him like that. Often seen him being respectful, filled with rage and madness, being a military man. _

"_You are right Denny. I told you to be a good man in the storm. I raised you to be a good man in the storm. To stand up, be filled with strength and power. All of you are how I raised you to be and I'm a man, a father which heart is endlessly filled with pride for his children… and I will still say: Be a good man in the storm and fight for the things you love. Fight. Protect them. DO all of that. But the most important thing is, something you have to learn: don't hurt anyone. But keep on fighting…"_

_Yes… fight… fight…._

**You need someone to hear you when you sigh  
Someone to wipe away those tears you cry  
Someone to hold you 'neath the darkened sky  
Someone to love you more than I  
Ooooh**

"FIGHT! Oh God, please, fight!" I heard my own screams filling the small blanket room. Over and over again they repeated in my head, echoing in this place.

I am scared. I am a doctor. I should be able to concentrate and not be managed by my emotions. I should think logical about the next step. About that in 99% he can't survive. He can't survive after 10 minutes being already dead. I did everything, sweat glistening on my forehead. I felt so helpless, worn out. I felt far away from my body, looking down onto my own, acting, working, screaming, doing everything to save this boys life.

"Don't do that…" _to me_…_not again. _

I did anything I could. I heard their voices; I heard them saying my name, trying to make me stop. I even heard her voice. Her soft words. But I was furious. I couldn't stop, even if I wanted. I couldn't stop, even if I might should.

"Fight! Denny… FIGHT!" _Be a good man in the storm._

It felt like hours. It felt like the body of my own brother laid beneath me. I felt his body encased with my hands. And all I did was living through those past weeks again. My imagination took me to another place where I should have been, helping, and it took me back to where I could help. To where I had to help.

"Fight… do it... I know you… can… do… it… FIGHT!" I emphasized every single word with every electric thrust until the loud beeping sound freed me. Freed me out of my state, but not out of my nightmare.

I never gave up. I never shield back, but now I couldn't. I couldn't stay. A small sob left my mouth before I breathed out, relieved, but still in shock. I had to go. I had to run away from all of this. My feet drag me away, past of all the doctors, past of their weird glances. I rushed out, not knowing where to go, but ending up in a small bed, now sobbing furiously.

I had to be strong. I knew that. I knew that it was wrong to run away. I knew all of that… but how can you act against your own will, against your own body even if you know?

You can't…

You can't hope that wounds will heal; wounds that have never really been processed. Wounds _you_ have never processed.

_(Calliope's pov)_

After years spending your life together you start to believe that you know another person more than you know yourself.

It's verification.

When she laid on me, asking me to hate her, I started to believe that you never really know someone and I never even thought about knowing someone else better than myself. I failed too many times.

And in this white room I experienced it once again.

I was terrified when she took control over the whole room, screaming and fighting when every one of us was giving up.

I always knew how passionately she was about things, but this was more. More than I could understand.

I tried to touch her with my bare hands and I tried to reach her with my voice, but she pushed me away, like everyone else who came near her and who didn't have the intention to help. In the eyes of the others we could read what we all thought: Denny was not able to live. He wasn't able to survive this operation. He had aids, he was sick and when his broken leg got infected we all knew how his weak body would take it.

But she stood there fighting over fighting. She has never been like that, not what I've seen of her in the OR. I have mesmerized her, watched her secretly, just to be able to look at her without being suspicious; and I know that she was good. She was more than that: Maybe you could even call her the best doctor in peds this hospital has ever seen.

But this was apart from a caring doctor, apart from trying to help someone and fulfilling our oath. It was the helpless and desperate try to fight for something else. Something else I couldn't see.

And then she stood there with blood on her hands, breathing heavily while the expression on her face was unreadable. The whispering started, because none of us could understand what was happening: His heart pounded again. Arizona Robbins has done a miracle right in front of our eyes.

But she took a step backwards, her eyes filled with blank horror. I couldn't react, because what came next I didn't expect. She turned away from everyone, no word, no excuse, leaving her mouth as she ran away. I couldn't keep her here, but I also knew I couldn't leave her alone.

"Bailey… you have the control now." I said pointing to the boy who just needed to be closed up. She nodded, still taken aback from the situation, but before I left the room to rush after her I saw her stepping forward.

I don't even know how long I searched her, running through the corridors, hoping to get a hint where she has hid herself. It was a nurse who told me that Arizona was stepping into an on call room down the hall over 10 minutes ago.

My heart pounded as I followed her lead, taking one step after the other. I didn't know what was waiting for me and I was scared to go there.

In the past days we stayed in the sexy part of things.

What we had was an affair. Sex. Passion. Seduction.

We kept being there, not comforting each other, and not really talking to each other about important things.

We… I needed to stay there with her, because I couldn't bear to loose her again.

Only the touch of her skin, her soft breath against my bare shoulder, her heavy sighs and loud groans, her furious moaning and light suspiring; all of that was enough for me, because that meant that In a way I had her back. I had my Arizona back.

But leaving this place would mean that one day we had to talk, about the past, about us, about our affair. And I couldn't.

I was married and I shouldn't even think about that.

But I was in love and I couldn't deny that. Not a second.

So when I opened the door I froze when I heard the so well known sobs. It was her lying on the bed, crying. She first stopped when I stepped in, closing the door behind me.

I saw her moving; suddenly she was sitting on the bed with her cheeks flustered, and tears streaks gracing her face. We kept staring at each other, until she stood up, coming into my direction. The colour in her eyes faded, I could even recognize it in this low exposed room. And before I could even think or react I felt her lips on mine.

Desperately kissing. Desperately searching for respond.

And how she kissed me, god, I didn't want to resist. I almost couldn't. Her lips were so soft and god, she always knew how to kiss me. She always makes me turned on; she makes me love her more than before.

But it's also clear that she did it to forget something.

I pushed her away with my hands around her wrists to keep her in place.

"Don't…" I whispered softly to show her that I wanted her, madly, but now wasn't the right time.

"Don't…" I said over and over again when she tried to kiss me, her free hand touching my cheeks, clinging onto dear life. "Don't, Arizona… Don't…"

And then it changed, she changed. She started crying now furiously while she still needed the contact.

She needed me more than anything else, so I dragged her numb body to the bed and laid her down. Immediately she rolled herself together in a ball, her hands to her own lips, like she was trying to protect herself.

I kept sitting there, watching her and stroking her beautiful blond hair, waiting for her to calm down. I watched her and our eyes kept being connected, until I knew that she was ready to settle down for some sleep.

God I wanted to stay so desperately, but I knew… I knew that it wouldn't be good for us… It wouldn't be good for me.

When I had the feeling that she could be alone I stood up, ready to leave this room, but then I heard her weak voice calling out for me and I knew that I was already sticking in this to deep.

"Please… stay…"

I turned around slowly, walking up to her bed and lying down. I took the free space beside her, and as soon as I found myself in this bed with her, hugging her tightly from behind, I found myself 15 years ago in a big and comfy bed, the night we both decided together, that she had to take the chance, even if it'd mean being separated most of the time.

We said we would be like Romeo and Juliet, who couldn't be together, who were separated most of the time, but of course without the dying part. We believed that we would be like Romeo and Juliet, with a happy ending.

Maybe this was our happy ending. Maybe there would be nothing else. Maybe we had to accept that we couldn't continue glueless, pretending that it's still the same.

But… it was… our love was still the same…

"I still love you…" I sighed, closing my eyes. The words were true, but they never reached her, because she was already sleeping.

I loved her and I would always do. But my heart and our real life were in the way.

I looked down onto the golden ring on my finger, a ring George gave to me on our wedding day. I looked at it and I felt nothing. No shame, no love, no comfort.

I looked at it for minutes and after these passing minutes I peeled it off and shaved it into my pockets.

It was the first time I took it of, and maybe it'd be the last time I had worn it on my finger.

**I love you girl,  
I love you more than I can say  
I love you girl,  
I love you more than I can say  
Even with my heart in the way  
Ooooh**


	22. My Struggle is my Shame Chap 22 Part 1

**Author's Note: **Right at the beginning I have to say that I'm really sorry. It's not nice to let you wait that long for another Chapter and then split it and give you so less, but right now there's a lot going on in my life and unfortunately I can't find the time to write anymore. But this story will continue and I'm looking forward to all of your comments. They make me going, showing me that you're still there with me and I can have a small insight in your hearts and heads =) Thanks to all of you for waiting and reading.

All my best wishes,

Sun

**Chapter 22 ****(part 1) – My struggle is my shame**

_I shiver too much, I wait too much, I  
My struggle is my shame, I can't let go  
I'm looking for a simple state of mind  
I need someone to carry me home  
Days go by, I still want to know what it's like to be a butterfly  
Tamed by fear and numb from fear I wake  
My routine life is calling me again_

_Another day, another thought gone by  
I need someone to carry me home  
Carry me home, carry me home  
I've been around the world, seen a lot of faces  
I know a lot of people, I've been a lot of places  
I still want to know what's it's like to be a butterfly  
_

_**The Murmurs – Carry me home**_

We all make decisions from the day of our birth until the day we die.

Every one of us stands in front of a turnoff, deciding which way to go and what to do next. What is the best to do and which is the best way to go?

How will our life turn out the way we want it to?

Making a decision not always but very often means change.

The progress of change is all around us. It's like an ever turning wheel, never stopping, inexorable, and we all are simple passengers on our journey, called life.

Life has to change, we all know that, just like we have to… but I ask myself… is it destiny or do we have the chance to guide it into the right channels, into the direction we wish it would lead us?

We all have to make decisions… but some of us can't. Some of us don't know what to do. Some of us are not able to follow their heart, their desire… they try to think logical and often they fail. I… I am one of them.

When I think about making decisions I think about myself, about my past and about her. I think of where I went wrong and what I could have done to prevent it from happening.

I thought too much, I tried to think logical; I tried to keep her save and loved.

I tried to think logically, instead of listening to my heart.

I thought I could be happy if only she was save and beloved.

I thought I was doing the right thing, but instead I went wrong in so many ways. I was the one who tear us apart and I made myself suffer each and every day I had to spend without her.

I might be satisfied now… I might be someone else at another place with another history if I had decided right? Maybe… Maybe not… I don't know… All I know is that my heart still belongs to her no matter how many times I try to focus on anything else.

I should know what to do. I should be sure of how to go on. I should be sure of our love for each other. God, even a blind could see it, even a heartless person could feel and sense it.

But even now I still can't decide which way to go….

_I ran away from her, from anything. I tried to run away from my hurtful past, from everything I can't think of without dying inwardly. __All I could do was hiding myself and as much as I wanted her to stay away from me, I needed her to be here, for me… with me. _

_And when the door suddenly opened I couldn't control the sobs escaping my lips. I was lying on the bed, crying. I first stopped when she was stepping in, closing the door behind her._

_I found myself trapped in this room, the truth lying behind while she was right in front of me, watching me as I sat ion the bed with flustered cheeks. Even if I hoped she would come after me I was terrified about her actual appear. What did this mean? Why was she her when all I was a simple affair? Why she was here, looking at me the same way she always did when she was concerned for minutes? _

_My eyes went blank and my body felt numb when realisation hit me forcefully. _

_Sex. She wanted Sex from me. Like she always came when she needed me for satisfaction. It hurted me to think so low of her, but I couldn't explain this sort of situation, because all of what was between us was desire, longing and long hold emotions. When I looked into her eyes, they darkened, every time I stood in front of her or touched her slightly. _

_We both new that we wanted each other. But there were also unshared and unspoken words and feelings we __just couldn't share. And so she was here in this low exposed room, not saying anything at all and maybe it was even myself who needed Sex. Sensual feelings to forget the sorrow. _

_I moved forward without actually knowing that I'm finally moving again and before I knew my hands moved and my lips ache to be laid on hers. It's an immeasurable need to be caught from her soft and strong hands. _

_I am desperate._

_Desperately kissing. Desperately searching for respond. _

_I felt that she couldn't resist and I needed her to kiss me back now… But all she did was pushing me away when I needed her the most, and she only grabbed my wrist to keep me in place. _

"_Don't…" She whispered softly to show me that she wanted me, madly, but this wasn't the right time. _

"_Don't…" she said over and over again to calm me down, but I wanted… I needed, my heart forced me to kiss her over and over again, her free hand __reaching out for her cheeks, clinging onto for dear life. _

_And once more: "Don't, Arizona… Don't…"_

_Then suddenly, within a gracing moment, I changed. I didn't hide myself anymore and I didn't pretend. __I started crying furiously while I still needed the contact. I required her. _

_I don't know how and why, because I thought that maybe she would leave now, knowing that her actions would speak more than thousand words, but she stayed and dragged my numb body to the bed and laid me down softly. _

_Immediately I rolled myself together in a ball, my hands to my own lips like a child, cause I felt so vulnerable. My own self lay out in front of her. Ages ago I wouldn't have had a problem, no… I would have pleaded for her to be there no matter how I feel, no matter how I look and what I do… but now there's a border and I feel like we can't and shouldn't cross it. _

_But no matter what she kept sitting there with me, watching me and stroking my hair like she tried to sooth me down like a long time ago. God, it was still working. It was still feeling the same... She looked into my eyes, her mouth moving slightly like she wanted to say something, but no words left her mouth. Instead she smiled a last time before she stood up, heading into the direction of the door, leading her out into reality. But I couldn't' let her go. I couldn't' stay here on my own, being the only one remaining._

_"Please… stay…"_

_And I crossed the border, willingly. _

_I watched her turning around slowly and walking up to the bed, lying down beside me. She took the free space and hugged me tightly from behind, just like over 15 years ago, where we laid down in a big and comfy bed, the night we both decided… together, that she had to take the chance, eve if it'd mean being separated most of the time. _

_I felt like leaving behind the only thing I really loved beside Denny and my family. She was the only person I ever truly trusted, I ever truly loved. __And with one decision I left all of that behind. _

_I still loved her with every beat and ache of my __lovesick heart. _

_I was intoxicated with love, through and through. And still I am._

_But when she asked me almost an hour ago what happened in there I couldn't answer. All I did was trying to push her away, out of my life, out of my heart and out of my thoughts. If I let her in, telling her the truth, this would be on another level. This between us would get more intimately, honestly and truthful again, but with her being married. __And I… I couldn't take it. _

_I almost can't take her looking at me with her eyes filled with pure compassion and affection when I know that tonight he will have her again. _

"_What's wrong Arizona?" She asked me as I was standing up slowly, composing my hair and drying my eyes to be able to finally go back into reality and be a good man in the storm. _

"_Nothing." I simply answered and I tried to avoid her gaze, because I know that she could read my mind just by looking into my eyes._

"_Ari…" She stood up, coming impossible near as her hands touched my arms softly, stroking the flesh beneath her fingers._

"_I know you… and you know me so… you can tell me anything. I'm here, always. Nothing changed." _

_I want to believe her. I want to suck her words in and let it become my truth. _

_I want to kiss her fiercely, feel her lips linger on mine and I want her to take my hand and leave this small room to love her freely, so she can love me completely and openly like years ago. First then I'll believe that nothing has changed. _

_But as her pager starts beeping and she frees her gaze to look down what's wrong I remain still and take a step backwards. _

_Anew I realize that everything has changed._

_Because it was him, who paged her._

_I look up into her eyes and no, she can't hide the truth from me either._

_A truth to which I dryly reply "Nothing is still the same…" and I leave silently._

2 whole days we tried to avoid each other in the most possible way until a case about a boy with a broken ankle brought us back together and the stolen glances, the brief touches, the heavy kisses and the erotically sighs erupted in my thoughts again.

Decisions had to be made, but I couldn't.

I couldn't go there and ask her to choose between her marriage, her "sane" love and her "insane" desire for me. Yes, what we did was insane, but it was passionately, true and it was love.

I knew that this couldn't continue the way it begun weeks ago, because each time I saw her with him, I was reminded of the other person in her life or I knew she would be with him after leaving me behind a part of me died and eventual there wasn't much left of me.

Maybe it's pathetic and egoistic to ask her for a decision… but I'm in love. I love her. THAT is love, maniac, real, sensual love that longs for being the only one.

But maybe it was myself who needed to decide, again, but all what I thought about felt so wrong. I wanted to run away, hide myself from her and pretend that I was able to forget her. To help her, to protect her, to make her happy. But I did that once and it didn't help… With the desire to make her happy I destroyed her and I can't do that again.

I just want her… only her… and that forever.

I guess people are like that when they in love… truly loving someone… deeply…

And then eventually the night came that everything changed.

It was the night that brought us together and separated us from another.

It was a loud knock. Repeating over and over again. Louder and heavier each time.

Knuckles on wood, a dull but clear sound filling the room, while I sat on the couch drinking wine and listening to old tunes.

_Armstrong & Fitzgerald – the collection. _

Songs we heard, moments we shared.

Each note, each sigh, each single word reminded me of something else and so it annoys me to be interrupted, but that might be Teddy, coming over to my place just like every night since she has found her own apartment right across the street.

So I walked to the door after calling out "I'm coming" and leaving my wine glass on small glass table, I touched the door knob, not knowing that this night would change everything.

As soon as I open the door I'm greeted by two full lips like I haven't been for too long. I want to resume the feeling, kissing her back, but all of this took me by surprise.

I don't even know what she wants here at my place after she tried to avoid spending time with me at my place almost desperately.

But what she wants now is clear as her mouth attacks mine and I find myself pressed against the already closed door.

It is happening so fast and I almost don't know how she was able to close the door, press me against it, tangling her hands both in my hair and under my shirt and grabbing my bra within seconds, without stopping kissing me one moment.

But with her making out and sex is like that. Inconceivable.

It's like magic and you don't know when or how it started and how long it even last, because she makes time extend.

It's as if she's reinventing time just like she wants it to stop each moment we share.

She kisses me so passionately, her mouth slowly, but willingly opening and it takes just an instant before I feel her tongue gracing my lips, then my teethes and finally duelling with my own. The kiss is wet, wet as my pulsating and awaiting folds, but I feel so betrayed…

I feel haunted by a ghost.

As wonderful as it always has been, as awkward and wrong it felt just right now…

Because there's nothing romantic, no true love which is leading into a future together.

We are two lonely souls trying to refresh the spirit of the past and let it linger as long as we can.

But how long… how long is this possible?

After all… all I am is a secret. Calliope's secret.

"Stop…" I murmur. My body still tries to follow my heart instructions, but she's such an amazing kisser and her mouth tastes so sweet like juice or liquor.

"Stop!" I say louder.

She ignores my pleading and keeps kissing the spot on my neck that makes me will – less, it makes me want her even more. _Oh god… I… _she still knows where to … _oh_…

_NO! No_…

With the last will power I push her away, not to hurt her, but hard enough to make her see that I'm not comfortable… not anymore-

Though I can't ignore the hurtful glance plastered on her face.

"I… I… I can't." I reply breathlessly, but immediately.

Her eyes filled with shock and a hurtful surprise. I want to tell her everything. Every single detail, each and every secret I kept from her all those years.

She just laughs deeply to hide her truth feelings sneaking out. She is scared of giving into me, revealing me everything she got.

"Well… no one ever said that when I started kissing her… or him…" She says, now playing a game of vengeance, because after all she still knows how I function... how I sense her comments. "You never did that, too, if I have to remind you about that… So why now?"

I look away intentionally, scared that my secrets eventually become her truth.

"Calliope…" I start after seconds and I can muster her shivering by her full name coming over my lips. I lick my lips and my heart trembles furiously in my chest as I say: "… you are married."

She laughs again. But this time louder and so dryly.

"You can't be honest, Arizona? That hasn't kept you away from me before… and do you want to start to be hypocrite now? If I'm allowed to remind you… you were the one who left me… you were the one who betrayed me… you were the one who broke our engagement…"

She spits, stumbles over her words and I fold my arms to protect myself from the memories, tripping out of her mouth, running into my direction.

Decisions. We all have to make decisions… and after we decided wrong in our life once, loosing everything we had, we try everything to not let it happen again.

It's not easy to make a decision… but we have nothing left to loose, isn't it like that, my friend?

"I never betrayed you…" I hush, I whisper, I thrust out like a prayer, and when I look up again. the blue endlessly ocean meets the lonesome desert.

**Authors Note:** Honestly I'm a lil disappointed with this… I imagined it being a little bit longer, but unfortunately I haven't got time. The next Chapter will be then The BIG TALK between Arizona and Callie. So… already excited? ;) Well I am*snorting*

I'm really looking forward to your opinion, my buddys and I hope you'll have a nice time until we read us again :)

All my best for you

-Sun


	23. Love like this Chap 22 Part 2

**Author's Note: **So where are all my lovely readers? Already leaving the "sinking" – ship? *laughing* So… this Chapter will reveal the truth. The real talk between our two lovely girls will continue and eventually nothing is like you thought before. After this Chapter you'll have to make a decision, because I'd love to know what you have to say. Thanks for reading, staying and reviewing. You make me go. Thank you.

And here it is… Chapter 22 part 2… It's to my friend, who is unfortunately sick and I'll hope this will make her healthier and cheer her up…

Enjoy

**Chapter 22 (part 2) – ****Love like this**

And if I can make it up to you  
There's nothing that I won't do  
To make it feel brand new  
So I'll leave it up to you

Now I'm safe and sound  
And true, it was a long road that took me away from you  
But it's a long road, and it's longer for you  
And baby when you tell me everything's alright  
Well I stay up all night  
And baby when you tell me that it's me this time  
I don't close my eyes  
I sacrifice a little peace of mind

Ooh, love like this  
Ooh, love

**Jenn Grant – Make it home tonight**

_With the last will power I push her away, not to hurt her, but hard enough to make her see that I'm not comfortable… not anymore-_

_Though I can't ignore the hurtful glance plastered on her face._

_"I… I… I can't." I reply breathlessly, but immediately._

_Her eyes filled with shock and a hurtful surprise. I want to tell her everything. Every single detail, each and every secret I kept from her all those years._

_She just laughs deeply to hide her truth feelings sneaking out. She is scared of giving into me, revealing me everything she got._

_"Well… no one ever said that when I started kissing her… or him…" She says, now playing a game of vengeance, because after all she still knows how I function... how I sense her comments. "You never did that, too, if I have to remind you about that… So why now?"_

_I look away intentionally, scared that my secrets eventually become her truth._

_"Calliope…" I start after seconds and I can muster her shivering by her full name coming over my lips. I lick my lips and my heart trembles furiously in my chest as I say: "… you are married."_

_She laughs again. But this time louder and so dryly._

_"You can't be honest, Arizona? That hasn't kept you away from me before… and do you want to start to be hypocrite now? If I'm allowed to remind you… you were the one who left me… you were the one who betrayed me… you were the one who broke our engagement…"_

_She spits, stumbles over her words and I fold my arms to protect myself from the memories, tripping out of her mouth, running into my direction._

_Decisions. We all have to make decisions… and after we decided wrong in our life once, loosing everything we had, we try everything to not let it happen again._

_It's not easy to make a decision… but we have nothing left to loose, isn't it like that, my friend?_

_"I never betrayed you…" I hush, I whisper, I thrust out like a prayer, and when I look up again. the blue endlessly ocean meets the lonesome desert._

…**..**

_(Calliope's pov)_

I lived in a lie for more than 15 years, believing that it was better the way it is. It's so easy to 'hate' someone, to banish someone out of your thoughts if you don't know the truth. You stay in your point of view, never even trying to switch the position and look under the blanket of lies, implying what really happened. A veil of ignorance took away my prospect and I gave in to life a lie for so many years.

If I had only known.

If I had believed what my heart tried to tell me over and over again.

If I wouldn't have been opened up for insecurity, achiness and rigidity to sneak in and leave me heartbroken.

But like a missing piece to fulfil a puzzle, like the light in a dark blur of memories it makes me see what I should have seen years ago. Her love, her will to make me happy no matter what it took, her immeasurable sadness and the ache in her heart as the truth were presented through her eyes.

I should have seen it… I could have… but I was blind.

Now she stands there, vulnerable and fragile, like a broken soul, too weak to go on, but too determined to stand still anymore.

**You could be ****happy; I hope you are  
You made me happier than I'd been by far**

**Most of what I remember makes me sure  
I should have stopped you from walking out the door**

"I never betrayed you…" She eventually said after an eternity standing there, looking away.

She hushed it out, she whispered, she thrust out like a prayer, and when she finally looks up again I can see the tears clearly displaying in her eyes.

"Wha… What?" I gulp hard, my heart immediately pounding furiously. As much as I wanted her to continue I wanted her to shut up, to be silent and take it back. I knew she was already taking a journey into our past. But it was over; we couldn't go back anymore…

And the truth would make it worse. It would make me regret and it would make my heart bleed even more. But though she looked up, our gaze never breaking and when her mouth opened I saw the stone, I saw the load taking off of her heart and her mind; and it was me she took with her.

"I never betrayed you, Calliope. I could have never done this to you…" She says in a hush.

My voice is trembling like my hands are shaking. I don't think I can say anything to her, but I need answers. I need to know everything, because all she says seems like a mystery, like words I understand, but I can't translate. Not one word is making sense.

"What… Arizona… Why..?"

She looks away again, like she is going through it over and over again, before she can tell me the truth.

And when she's opening her mouth, I'm back there. Back where it all started.

"When I… When I agreed on studying in L.A. it was one of the most important decisions in my life and it was a great chance for me. It was a gift, something I couldn't comprehend. I was a lucky girl. But at the same time I felt like my heart was ripped out. We talked so often… about our future, together… We talked about how it would be and what we would do… God… the only thing in my life I was sure of was spending it with you… I knew that's how my life is meant to be. It broke my heart to leave you behind, but I knew we would be able to get through that… together… Our love was strong enough, I told myself like a mantra. We were Team Awesome… so we would manage the situation just perfectly…" She laughed dryly at the memories with a haze of tears before her eyes and I couldn't stop my tears from falling.

"But… when I got there, knowing I left you back my heart broke each and every day I couldn't be with you… and when we saw each other it was always overshadowed with sorrow. We watched the clock which was ticking in a furious speed and after a few hours or days we found each other drifted apart again… I tried to be a good man in the storm… for both of us. I told myself that it was only a question of time until we could be together… But I knew how it took you apart… I heard it in your voice when we talked and I could see it in the eyes when we finally met… You needed someone and I couldn't be there… It ripped you apart…"

…..

_When she came back home we touched for hours; a simple touch of our hands grew to an overwhelming act of love. When we touched it was everything we concentrated on. The world around us was forgotten and all what matters were two lonely stars finding its way to each other after weeks and night being separated._

_Our love making was passionately like never before and our tears were shared each single time. But one evening when the sun still cascaded the sky my tears made her open her eyes and look at me._

_"Calliope… what's wrong?" She panted hoarsely, while I cried silently._

_It was the power of sorrowful love, a bittersweet symphony we played every time our eyes, our hands, our limbs and bodies met._

_"I can't believe you're here… I know it sounds stupid… I wanted you to follow your dream… I still want it… but every night when I drift of to sleep I dream of this actually happening. I dream about you being here with me… like before… of you being with me and not miles away… I don't want to be weak… I want to be strong for you… and for me, but I… I miss you so much, Arizona… I can't life without you… I…" She silent's me with a soft kiss. That's when I feel her own tears intermingling with mine. Then she stands up and I wonder if I said something wrong, but when she comes back, my heart is beating furiously in my chest like never before._

_She sits in front of me, naked as we came, with a black velvet case in her hands, her blue eyes shimmering like stars in the evening sky._

_"I wanted… I wanted to wait until the moment is perfect… I wanted to make it all romantic you know? But I think now the moment is perfect." She looks me in the eyes, nervously smiling, her limbs shaking._

_"I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, but when we spent the last months apart from each other I realized it even more. It's you I want to be with, forever. And even if we are young it is what I want. I want you. And when we finished studying, when everything is over we move together. Somewhere, anywhere you want. I'm going to buy a big house for you. I'm going to built up a home for you and for me. It's a promise. My love is a promise, a vow. So I ask you tonight, will you marry me Calliope Iphigenia Torres and let me make you the luckiest girl on earth?"_

_I think never my heart felt that way and never it felt this way ever again._

_My answer was clear, sealed with a kiss and a touch of pure love and endlessly commitment._

_The whole night we made love with a ring on our hands and when we woke up I asked her again of what she was dreaming the whole night, a smile still plastered on her face, deeply positioned in her features._

_And then she answered my simple question with a grin plastered on the beautiful lips of my fiancé._

_She simply answered: __"You're the one I'm dreaming of."_

…

She smiles sadly as she composes herself to speak on and as much as I want to go over, kiss her and reveal her that my feelings are still the same and no matter what was in the past I never want her to leave me ever again, I stand still and I listen without saying anything. Her crystal blue eyes meet my dark ones and I can see that she waited so long to tell me the truth, to tell me how she felt the whole time… how desperately she loved me.

"And the day of our last meeting when I met Erica for the first time it was laid out in front of me… I…" She stops and looks away like she can't tell what made her run away from me.

"Ari… what happened?" She looks into my eyes as she licks her lip. I never thought how hard it must have been for her… All what I did was hating her guts, dooming what she did to me and us… I didn't even hesitate to think about her… about her sweet soul and her intentions to make me happy.

"When we met with Erica I was looking forward to meet your new friend… But when I saw how you both acted I knew that her intentions were differently… and what hurted me the most was… that you two were so happy together… She made you laugh, she helped you when you needed someone, and she was there all the time when I couldn't… She took my place after I left… And I knew that she wanted more from you… and maybe she could give you that… at least it was what she told me…"

"What do you mean?"

"When you left us in the garden because your mom called out for you… she… she made it clear that you were broken… she made clear that I did it to you… that I was the one who destroyed you… I… when I looked you in the eyes, when we kissed or touched… I felt your despair on my own skin, Calliope… I felt how much I caused you pain… and she was there… every time… She was in love with you… she was all the time… She could make you laugh; she made you feel sound and safe… And I broke you, Calliope… I was the one who broke you… And she made it clear… that she could fix you and give you the thing you wanted and needed…"

She fixates her eyes on mine and I almost can't breathe when I realize what Erica did to me… to us…

"It made me throw up when I thought about hurting you… I… it was the worse decision I ever made, because I never stopped loving you… but I… I thought I took happiness away from you by keeping your heart with me… So I freed it, no matter how much it killed me…"

**You could be happy and I won't know  
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go**

"_Arizona!" I called out happily when she entered my room, after having to share her with Erica for almost 2 hours. When Arizona came to visit I knew I'd have to show her my new friend, someone who helped me through this and it seemed like they both got very good along with each other, though Arizona was the one who acted a little strange after being alone with her in a room. When I asked her what's wrong she answered it must be the jetlag, like always and when I kissed her, her smile appeared again and I all my worries were drifting away again. _

_But now… now I was there again, seeing her numb, almost blank eyes as I walked up to her, waiting for her to smile and kiss me back. _

_But she didn't, instead she quivered and I could see her body shaking. _

"_What's wrong, Ari?"_

_She didn't answer; instead she tried to compos herself in front of me, trying to speak up with her trembling voice._

"_Sit down, Callie…"_

"_What's… What's wrong Ari?"_

_Again she said:" Sit down…" Almost like a robot, her voice as numb as her eyes._

"_I'm… I'm not going to sit down before you're not telling me what's wrong. __Ari, please…"_

_Silence overtaking our bodies, before a hurtful truth is coming out of her mouth._

"_I know it was hard for both of us… the distance… We worked so hard… we did so much… but I… I knew you were lonely all the time and Calliope, I have been lonely too." When her eyes are not crying yet, her voice already is. _

"_I didn't know what to do and how I could distract my mind… I've…then I've found someone else to distract me… I've found someone" _

_She says like she it's the most logical thing to say or do; like you'd order a cold drink on a hot summer day, like there's nothing to really wonder. _

_I think my heart broke there like my tears flooded out of my eyes, like I couldn't catch my breath and my body didn't want to function again, like I didn't want to breath and feel ever again. _

_I walked up to her, almost stumbling, my fingers touching her cheeks, hard, but also soft, stroking her desperately._

"_No… No, Arizona… that's not who you are… you asked me to marry you. You were the one who planned how our house should look like. YOU are not like the others. You wouldn't do that. Tell me that you wouldn't do that to me. Tell me that it was a joke, tell me you love me. Tell me everything and I'll believe you. Just tell me you love me." Desperately I search for her eyes. Desperately I search for her love to seek in. _

"_If you don't love me, if you want to break up, if you really did this, look me in the eyes!"_

_I yell, still having her face in my hands. But she looks away. She doesn't look up. She can't look me into the eyes, so moments pass; tears and sobs are filling the room, until she is finally able to look up. _

"_It's better if we stop this. It's better for you… It's better…It's better… for…" Her voice breaks like my heart is in two pieces._

"_It's not, Arizona. No matter what's going on with you it's not. I'm better with YOU. I'm only myself when I have you. It's not better for one of us… Please… Please." _

_I beg. I beg and plead and cry, even I know it's over._

_I know it's over when she looks away, when she's not answering me. _

_I know it's over when she turns around, when she's ready to leave me back._

_I know it's over when she spins around again and her lips attack mine in a desperate and searing kiss. _

_Our salty tears are intermingling the moment I feel her soft, but burning lips._

_I want to push her away; my hands are working so hard, pushing, fighting, desperately and hurt. My body is numb but anyway filled with sorrow, madness, despair and never ending pain just like this kiss. _

_It's so hungry; passionately _wrong_ and hurtful _right_. _

_It's like I stop to live and survive as soon as she stops to kiss me as it feels like I stopped to exist when her poisoned mouth assaults mine and her betrayal tongue enters and an immeasurable battle started. _

_The lips and the hands which always made me feel wonderful and complete are now ripping my body apart and leaving back dead trade marks on my skin._

_She manages to take of my top with one hand, while she keeps me close with the other. She never lets me go, scared I might run._

_And I want. I want to run away, but even if I do I can't. Too much I need to be close to her; too much I need to feel her one last time. One last time._

_Hard she pressed herself into me; strongly she pushed me onto her bed while she stands there in front of me, trying to catch her breath for another battle to start. _

_I look at her, look at her and I see the woman I love. I see the woman who I wanted to marry, the woman… I love. I love her more than anything even she rips my heart apart, even she punishes me in the worse way, even she is the one who gave me everything and took away more._

_I mesmerize her and I never turn away my glance as she puts out her shirt and her jeans, standing there in nothing but her underwear. Her eyes are not numb anymore. Her eyes are like I've never seen them before and I can't name what I see there. But what I recognize is hate for herself like the way I should. I try it so hard, but I can't. I can't hate her. _

_Too much I love her, still; too deep my love is._

_Her cheeks are wet, but I can't say if it's her tears or mine. I can only say there are new tracks, following the old; new tracks testifying the pain she caused._

"_Tell me that you hate me." She almost says in a whisper, still fighting to be able to breathe normal. I almost hear her heart breaking when she says it again, this time louder and with more force._

"_Tell me that you hate me…" She takes a step nearer until she kneels above me, capturing my hands and forcing them to keep them over my head. _

"_Tell me that you hate me." Arizona breathes while her right hand is running along my naked chest, down my stomach, gracing the oh so well known curves._

_I can't say it. I can't say anything, because I hold my breath as her fingers are ignoring, yes passing my pants and I feel her hardly sliding through my fold. I first scream and cry out, I moan and sigh deeply when she roughly enters me and her hips are pressed against me. She pumps her finger in and out like she moves her hips, in the same rhythm like I can feel the heart pounding in her chest. _

_She presses herself into me and makes me moan in pleasure, in pain and in sorrow. Then she kisses me, like she never kissed me before. So often she surprised me with a kiss or with a new sex experience we shared. So often she made me forget the world around me and get lost in her touch. But this time it's more than I can take. More than I can bear, because this kiss means 'Goodbye'._

"_Say it…" She demands with every single hard push. So hard, but though so gentle. "Say it. Say it."_

_Another hard push, another needing rub._

"_I hate you." I exclaim while I dig my nails into her shoulder._

"_I hate you." I scream over and over again while I dig deeper and bruise her._

"_I don't love you anymore…" but I always will. I always will love her._

_Minutes pass when she's trying so hard to please me, to make me scream her name, to feel me as close as possible._

"_Come for me. One last time."_

_My screams are filling the air like her cries are filling my world. _

_I can't breathe as she rides out the most intense and hurtful orgasm I ever had. I can't seem to focus; I only seem to push her away as realization hits me hard. _

_She broke me, she broke herself and most of all she broke us; she broke what we had, but still she lays on top of me, panting and crying. I can't feel her anymore, I can't hear her, and I can't look her in the eyes. _

_But most of all I can't let her going away from me._

"_I need to touch you… I need to taste you one last time…I…"_

_Before I can react her mouth touches me in a place where only she knew how to pleasure me, and when another wave hits me I almost pass out._

_Haze. My eyes are like hazy eyes and I only feel how she kiss me one last time on the lips, desperately and filled with never ending love. One last kiss before she stands up, collecting her clothes and looking down. I see her ocean blue eyes for the last time; then she spins around, slowly walking to the door._

_The door into a life without me and she says in a whisper; she breathes it out, like the hurtful truth before:_

"_I love you, forever."_

_And then she goes and she never looks back._

_I laid there for hours, hugging my blanket like my life was depending on it. I cried, I screamed and I closed me eyes, her smell still surrounding me._

_I first started to open my eyes again when I felt strong arms around me and caring lips on mine. It was Erica who saved me once more; but it was never like before._

…...

**And all the things that I wished I had not said  
Are played on lips 'till it's madness in my head**

Both of us cry furiously as the truth finally sneaks out and I realize that in all those years she tortured herself, because she thought I was happier without her.

"I never betrayed you… I never… I never did… I never loved someone else than you while we were together and I never loved someone else afterwards… I never… I never betrayed you… I only betrayed myself…" Her sobs are filling the room, her heart wrecking cry fills my mind and immediately I walk up to where she stands. I walk up to her and take her in my arms, holding her as I cry.

"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…" She says over and over again, her voice cracking as her body is shaking madly.

All those years she had to live with a lie, just like me. But this lie was meant to protect me and keep me save. It was the stupidest thing she has done, but she did it out of love. She did it… after all; yes… she did it for me.

And I can't even hate her or be mad at her for keeping the truth to herself, for believing that I was better off without her. I can't be mad at her for lying and leaving me. I can't blame her for trying to make me happy.

I just wish she could have done it in another way.

I wish she would have let me in completely, letting me see her insecurity, giving me the chance to proof that my love was strong enough… that my love was stronger than any pain or sorrow… stronger than anything else.

**Somehow everything I own smells of you  
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true**

All I feel right now are my arms around her body, her head lying on my chest as her breathing slows down and her sobs are subsiding. Just a track of her shared tears are presented on her red cheeks.

I close my eyes and I take her in.

The smell of her hair and of her intoxicating perfume, the touch of her body against mine.

Everything in this room smells like her, even I do, using the same shampoo and perfume, she used to do, after she left. This moment is a broken one, killing both of us, after what happened, but it's also moment of returning feelings.

I love her, I still do. And when I hold her in my arms… I love her just a little bit more.

I love her like I used to love the blue deep ocean in Miami.

I love her like I love warm tea on winter days and self made ice tea in summer with cold ice tubes. I love how her body react to ice cubs and how she reacts when I run them down her body. I love how we can make the simplest thing being a part of our love making.

I love how she makes love to me. So passionately and sensual like the smell of fresh roses and so heart warming and romantic like candles filling a dark and cold night with light and warmth. So sexual, arousing and tensed like nothing else.

I love how she reminds me of everything. How I feel like she's with me when I feel the sunlight on my skin or when I taste the salty raindrops on my lips.

I love how she can capture me after 15 years like time has never passed by.

I love how she makes me love her even more.

I love how she loves me and I love how she tries everything to protect me.

God… I love her… I love her more than anything else in my life. And even if she has done a mistake I want to leave it all behind, starting again today, ignoring the past years and pretending we are still engaged, marrying soon.

I want to forget everything and pretend we are the only two persons on this world, meant to be with each other, meant to love each other no matter what destiny has provided for us… just like Adam and Eve…

And when I reach up to her cheek to stroke it firmly the colour of her eyes suddenly change and she looks so vulnerable, but so full of love. We look each other in the eyes intentionally before I bent down and our lips are touching softly.

Slightly gracing each others while remaining in this position, never giving up the contact. The slightest movement of me makes her shiver and she looks up shocked as I pull back. I can see the fear clearly presented down in her eyes, but when I start to smile, she smiles too and it doesn't take a second until her lips are on mine again. But this time longer and almost forceful, but in the most gentle way.

Then suddenly she pushes me softly into the direction of her bedroom, without stopping to kiss me. She knows how to make my knees weak and my heart asking for more. I want more, yes, I want all of her. Not only sex, but also love and the knowledge of us… being one again.

Slowly, almost shyly she let her hands crawl under my shirt to slowly undress me while she's looking into my eyes and all of this feels like the first time. When she pushes the shirt over my head and the trousers down my ankle; when she undresses herself in front of me and we stand in her room, naked and unprotected in the soft light of a few candles she had already lighted, I feel like I'm seventeen again, loving someone for the first time in my whole life. And it's her I love. Now and Then and Today.

**I wanna go to a place where I can hold the intangible  
And let go of the pain with all my might  
I wanna go to a place where I'm suspended on ecstasy  
Somewhere between dark and light  
Where wrong becomes right**

**I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,  
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,  
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,  
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful**

I sit down in slow motion and I watch her coming up where I am to sit in my lab, while kissing me sensually and senseless, before pushing me back on the mattress and lying down on me, kissing me so soft that I believe I've never felt something more velvet than her lips… so sensual, intoxicating and beautiful at the same time.

After her I thought I'd never be able to feel something while I was making love to someone and I was right. Making love to her, sensual and never ending love, is better than anything else I ever felt, because she makes me feel like I'm born again, like nothing else on his world counts as much as my love for her.

This night we didn't just sleep with each other – what we had wasn't just a sexual friction.

We made love.

…

They say waking up to the ones you love is the best way to start your day. And it is… it truly is the best way after nights wishing I could be with her again.

As I wake up she's already laying there watching me as I open my eyes and I can't refuse to smile her way as she touches my hand to kiss it lightly before directing it under her chin, to her chest, where she keeps my hand, tangled in hers.

We both are silent as we lay in front of each other, naked, only our hands touching. No single word could describe how we feel and I don't want to destroy this moment by saying anything. I just want to watch her like she watched me before. I want to stay here forever, with her at my side. I want to forget the world and pretend there's nothing else, no one else than us. No one to worry about, no one to find out about us. Only her and I… forever.

But what is forever?

Sometimes forever ends too quickly.

…..

_(Arizona's pov)_

Not one day in the past years I ever thought my dreams could get real someday. I never thought we could lie in bed together, just like before, holding hands, just being, not talking, just loving, and not thinking. Never I thought I'd be able to feel and sense her like before.

It was ubiquitous in my dreams… But now… it's for real.

She's smiling my way, her lips crawling into a soft smile, her eyes sparkling like I've never seen them in the past weeks.

_I love you,_ was all I wanted to say.

_Stay with me,_ was all I thought.

_Marry me,_ was all I ever wanted.

But before I could tell her what I thought she suddenly stood up with a terrified glance in her eyes, and then, leaving the peaceful place I stayed before, I heard a melody coming from te trousers on the floor.

And then her voice filled the room.

"Yes?" Her eyes grew wide. "I'm… I was staying at a friends place... yeah…"

Her lie, her words were like knives. But what did I expect… Did I hope she would come back to me? Yes… it was what I hoped.

"Yeah… I'm coming…" She said, her voice sounding dark and boyish like she was playing boy games in her youth.

I try to not listen. I try to compose myself, laying on this bed, naked, feeling so fragile, and being so vulnerable.

Then she looks into my eyes, the hurtful truth sneaking out of her mouth.

"I have to go…" She says, she simply hushes.

"I know." Is all I answer and then I watch her go. I need answers, I want her to stay. I want to talk to her and find out how the future will look for me and for us. I want her to be with me… God, I need her.

But maybe it was a Goodbye? Maybe it would be the last time I was going to see her so secretly and maybe it was the last time I felt her skin on mine, her heart surrounding mine.

And before she goes she looks back, but no word is leaving her mouth in her eyes I can see the shame and hurt presented down clearly. Only one "I'll see you soon", just a simple "I love you and I won't let that go." and I would wait for her. Maybe all my life. But this rather seems like a goodbye.

I roll myself into a ball when I hear the door closing.

And now I know how she must have felt 15 years ago.

…

**Author's Note: **Included Songs in this Chapter were: Jenn Grant – Make it Home tonight, Snow Patrol – You could be happy and India Arie – Beautiful.

And now I guess all requests, comments and affliction are welcome. I know I deserve all your dishonour now.

But though I hope you'll be there the next Chapters, too…. And now there also a decision to be done… because I don't know if you still want to read this piece of art or if you are already "annoyed" or at least ready to read the ending soon… so a few solutions are printed down in my head… Let's just say… Invest wisely… the pay – off might surprise you *chuckle*

**a.**Ending it no matter how.

**b.**Giving you a happy end in the next 1 or 2 Chapters.

**c.**Writing a part d and e with a little bit "I will follow you into the dark" stuff/angst and serious topics, but Arizona/Callie being MFEO.

**d.**Dallas like: Callie wakes up 15 years ago, realizing it was just a dream (oh my lovely folks… you know this was just a joke… please don't do that to me *laughing*)

So I guess… that was enough to choose for you :)

I hoped you all liked it and even you might think: "GOD! How stupid Arizona was to let Calliope go!" Remember… We do stupid things to protect the ones we love and to make them happy… Even it might be the wrong thing. So please be kind with her.

Until the next Chapter,

All of you take care,

And never forget to show your love to people and what they mean to you.

It's always very important my folks :)

All my best wishes,

Sun


	24. My big love is bleeding

**Author's Note: **

First of all... THANK YOU… Thanks to all of you for your reviews and sharing your opinion with me… and secondly… I'm sorry… All of you decided and I'm sorry for not being able to follow your lead. I wish I could write another 2 parts of this fic and believe me I will miss it and all of you, but I had a rough time and it's still being a part of my life, further more I'll write my final exam next year in January… and even if I LOVED writing this and I'm sad ending this soon… the story really worn me out and sometimes it was hard to write a few parts. I'm sorry for letting you down and ending this soon, but I hope you understand and of course I'll finish this like I promised and I'll write other stories in the near future… I just can't write the sad and angst stuff like I thought I am now.

Oh I know a lot of English literature in this Chapter, but because I want to study it has always a special place in my heart and further more… poetry…. Literature… words… they mean and say so much…

But before I start… Thanks to all whom always were here with me, taking this journey, supporting me and believing that I have the ability to write this.

Most of all tanks to a wonderful friend of mine, Anna, and to you my readers.

And after being sentimental… I will start now.

All my best wishes to you

- Sun

**You're the one I'm dreaming of – part 4**

**Chapter 23 ****–** **My big love is bleeding**

**Cry as much as I want to  
Weep, I know I ****can't have you  
I wipe my tears away, away**

After she left me back in my room I cried for hours… I remained in the same position and I waited for the bittersweet numbness to take over my body, but nothing came to free myself from this state and after hours I told myself that I had to stand up, get dressed and free me out of this. I couldn't wait for someone else being my salvation… I couldn't hope for her, coming back to me, right after she left me.

I stood up and walked to my window, looking out and remaining still while I took the sight of Seattle in, only looking away to get the hidden cigarettes from my shelf and light one in dedication to Calliope.

And when I absorbed the smoke, tasting it in my mouth, even on my lips where her taste has remained too long, and feeling it burn through my lungs, before the grey damp intermingled with the noon air, I knew I had to get out of here. Because I felt trapped… trapped in my own flat where her scent still lingered in the air and the picture of her and the feeling of her against my skin would kill me if I stayed here any longer.

As soon as I lit the cigarette I threw it out of my window and stepped back; I took a step back, away from the haunting memories and shortly after I dressed myself in a simple jeans and a black top, I grabbed my back and left the chamber of my memories.

**Wish, wish for the summer  
Want, to pull over under  
I wipe my tears away, away**

I try, I try, I try  
I try, I try, I try  
I try to make the best at happiness

"No, Teddy… I'm... Yeah… I'm… I'm okay… I feel fine… and no… that's not a lie… Yes… I will call you later… I'll just walk through the streets and run errands. But don't worry I'm fine."

Shortly after I left home she called me like she has sensed something, like she could read my mind and found out the truth, that I didn't want to be alone, that I didn't need time for myself… I simply needed her, Calliope, to fill the empty space. But I found myself at a side road and I looked around. The one way was taking me into nowhere, a future where I would hide myself in my sorrow again, where I would loose the track of time and where my friend didn't know with whom they talked, what their friend became… or I would try to go on and find a way back into life… where I would lie to myself and others to pretend that I would feel better soon…

I had to pretend to keep my head over water. I could only remember my brother who always said that it's better to feel your heart ache instead of feeling nothing, because a life without emotions isn't a real life… and by keeping all the hurt, the anger and the love , a piece of her still belonged with me.

And even if I feltlike she never comes back I knew that she would always be a part of me.

A part I accepted, a part I longed to keep with me when everything else was gone; a part I loved and adored.

And at least this part would stay with me…

In the present and in the future and it has been with me in the past.

I remember all the times I called my parents and asked them if they knew something about her, at least knowing how she is doing. I felt proud when I heard that she was studying and my heart broke knowing that I couldn't be at her side.

I remember all the Christmases I spend with my family, wishing the door would open and she would march in with her red dress, in which she looked so… so beautiful, just wearing it because it was matching Christmas, but secretly, because I loved it so… and I dreamed how she would hug my parents and my brothers right before she was walking up to me proudly, taking my hands in hers and kissing me softly.

I remembered so many times in which I prayed I'd have never done this stupid mistake, breaking my own heart by thinking she was better off without me, cause no one of us ever was.

And now when I walk down the streets of Seattle I have to get used to the thought that she's with her husband and I'm here on my own. But I have to give life a chance, I have to find trust and believe to go on, to find my way, with… or without her.

But as I stop, almost intentionally, in front of a book shop I know it's harder than I thought to let go. I step in, into the warm atmosphere, and I smell the aroma of old and new books, which is intoxicating and it abruptly reminds me of how me met.

…

"_And you are doing some sport here too?"_

_"Ohhh no!" She says, laughing out loud, and immediately I feel attracted to her and I can't keep myself from looking at her, taking in every detail. And as she looks into my eyes more intentionally I feel like I'm melting, but to hide what I think I only smile and nod understanding._

_"And what are you interested in?"_

_She hesitates, before she simply answers:__" In sciences and literature…"_

_Then suddenly my mind works furiously to put the pieces together… I know her voice has captured me once…_

_"Wait… are you in Mrs. Pearce English class?" __She nods, frowning and I start chuckling, because of my own stupidity. _

_"I knew I know your voice from somewhere! I remember you doing the whole lesson while everybody around you was starring blankly. You totally ruled! I thought what you said about the poem was super amazing!"_

_And suddenly she's blushing like__ an overripe tomato. Is it always easy to make her blush so easily, or is it because of me? God… concentrate on something else…_

_"Oh yeah… I was? Thanks…"_

_"You completely were! I was really surprised how much someone could read out in a few lines. I was highly impressed…" I say while I'm kneeling down just like her, the work isn't the main attraction, instead we are, our conversation, her eyes and her full lips starring at me._

_"Literature has always been one of my favourite things to do!"_

_"And your favourite?"_

_"Shakespeare of course!" She splits out without hesitating and then she does something I have never experienced with another person before._

_"Doubt thou the stars are fire,  
Doubt the sun doth move..."_

_She__ starts to cite from Shakespeare, looking me straight into the eyes and I want to listen to her voice, I don't want to interrupt her, but I like how our voices sounds together and so I can't really stop myself._

_"Doubt truth to be a liar  
but never doubt thy love…"_

_We breathe out the last sentences in a whisper, at the same time, the soft glance never breaking. _

_"William Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act II, Scene II…" __I speak out in the same low voice and we are both suddenly are taken aback, bursting into laughter. _

_"So… you want to study English literature?" I ask, smiling, dropping my paint – brush in and out of the colour very playful while I'm still listening to me. The work is long forgotten._

_"Well… I love English literature… it's beautiful… but I always dreamed about being a doctor but …" I say, words filled with emphasis and melancholy…_

_"What's retarding you?"_

_"My marks… I'm not good enough… I just don't find the motivation right now even I'd love to and even I'm interested…" And suddenly__, out from nowhere I feel like touching her, somehow and I find my hands on her legs and it feels so good, like it belongs there… And I … I want her so much right now…_

_"Hey… don't give up… you should fight for the things you want… and maybe… I could help you? We could learn together… it'd help you and it'd be a good training for my exam for sure?"_

_"Of course… I'd love to…" She replies, smiling like cherish cat._

**All, all of our moments  
Have just become ailments  
Im haunted all of every day  
**

And like I can't control my own body I walk up to the dark brown frames, searching for a special section in which I can loose myself so easily and finally I've found it. "English Literature."

My fingers are gracing the wrists of the books, scurrying over them slowly and I feel like my hands gets guided by a ghost, her ghost remaining in my thoughts, memories haunting me, always being with me, and as soon as I find for what I searched secretly I'm taken aback once again.

…

_Her eyes are recognizing the big bed in the middle of the room, the few light brown shelves and settings matching the light parquet floor and the pale blue walls. But she also realizes the picture of Cindy Crawford on the wall and the amount of books I collected in so many years and the smile which is gracing her full lips is printed there like a permanent tattoo and when she spins around with a book in her hands I ask myself how it would feel to become one with them._

_"Shakespear – Hamlet…" She smiles and I blush. She shouldn't know that I started to read it again, after I first talked to her._

_"Oh yeah… I read it again… It's simply amazing…"_

_She hesitates a moment, before her features become calm and soft again, before she asks me what we are going to have to do about my English literature problem._

_Am I bad that I hesitate, because I lied? Because I told her I'd need help just to be able to have a reason to meet her again?_

_"Oh yeah… I guess we could start with this poem… it's Shakespeare of course… Come sit down…" I say with a slight blush on my cheeks. _

_We sit down on some simple chairs in front of my small table where I already opened the side of a book presenting Shakespeare poem collection. We don't have so much space to move that our legs are slightly touching. Close enough to make the heat in my body rise up. Why do I want her to be nearer?_

_"Oh…My Mistress' Eyes Are Nothing Like the Sun… that's a really good one. But isn't that something we always say about his work?" She laughs while I'm watching her, finally saying: "Could you read it out to me?"_

_Our eyes are connected for a moment, blue waves meeting the tenderness and softness of brown sand._

_I'm scared she will ask me why, because I haven't got any explanation except of the want and need to listen to her voice without even listening. Just taking in the beautiful sound of her voice… _

_But instead she simply nods, looking at me intentionally before she's looking away and starts to read out the letters immediately._

_"My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;  
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;  
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;  
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head._

_I have seen roses damasked, red and white,  
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;  
And in some perfumes is there more delight  
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.  
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know  
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;  
I grant I never saw a goddess go;  
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground.  
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare  
As any she belied with false compare."_

_I listen to her, closing my eyes while her eyes are fixated on the text. I never thought someone could move me so much just by reading some words out. But with her around me everything seems to be differently and all I want to do is –_

_"Well.. okay… it's a sonnet. All sonnets consist of fourteen verses, that's just the way it's going I guess. Each verse has ten syllables. The stress pattern is weak, strong, weak, strong._

_The rhyme scheme of the sonnet is as follows: a, b, a, b, c, d, c, d, e, f, e, f, g, g. The last two verses rhyme which is typical of the Shakespearean sonnet. The rhyme scheme of the sonnet is highly regular as is the case with this one. And of course…"_

_Then there's a break. A simple break my heart did while I'm listening to her. All I do is watching her, taking in every detail and I'm struggling with myself to not touch her. To not feel her when I shouldn't be doing it. But as soon as I can control anything in my body my hands starts to have their own mind._

_Like a snake they are crawling from my leg over to hers and when they finally come in contact with her soft skin she gasps intentionally, immediately, surprised. But she doesn't look up, instead she closes her eyes, biting down her beautiful red lips, suppressing a beautiful soft sound cascading her mouth. But I want to hear it; I want to hear her whispering my name, never sounded so beautiful except of coming from her. And finally she looks up when I already reached her sensitive spot with my hands delicately drawing patterns over and over again. She gasps again as our lips are touching, first quietly and sensitive, tasting, touching, trying, enjoying the feeling that develops, that aches to be touched, more secretly, more intimately. And I want to feel so much of her, I want to…_

_"Well… The closing phrase false compare sums-up the essence of the poem wonderfully. Instead of falsely praising a love by making outlandish claims the narrator is honest and proud of his love and that honesty strikes the reader as genuine and sincere. Everything clear?"_

_That is what pulls me back into the right direction leaving me breathlessly and I just nod, gulp, and still shocked. I've never been a day dreamer, but she made me to one. She made so much out of me with barely knowing more than a few days._

_"Yea… Yeah… Everything's alright…" I ramble nervously, hoping she didn't catch my inappropriately glances. I know it's wrong… it shouldn't happen, I shouldn't feel like that when I'm looking into her chocolate brown eyes, but do and I wanna feel it. I want to have her closer as soon as possible and when she says "Well… I guess then… my job is done…" I try to find a way to keep her here just a little longer._

_"You want to watch a movie?" I blurt out like a stupid little child and she's looking at me the same way, confused._

_"I… I mean… I just got Shakespeare in love today, cause my brother lend it for me and I… I thought we could watch it together… I mean… isn't that our favourite topic?"_

_"I'd love to…" She says with a confident smile making my heart flip once more._

…

"You want to buy both of them?" The old man asks me softly and smiles friendly and I smile back, trying to pull myself together and remain strong.

"Yes, Sir." I reply and he smiles sweetly.

"Shakespeare is always a good choice." He says as I give him the money and I nod.

"Yes, he really is…" Sometimes he even brings people together.

I take the white bag he gave to me and smile at him one last time weekly, before I tend to leave.

"Have a wonderful day, young lady." I wish I would have.

"Thank you, you too." And with that I step out into reality.

**I try I try I try  
I try, I try, I try**

I try to make the best at happiness

When I left her behind me I left a part of myself with her.

I wanted to tell her anything, just to let her know that I would come back eventually. I could never leave her, because it would mean leaving my heart and living the life of someone else. Something I did for too long.

When I met George for the first time it wasn't love. It was sympathy, the need to be loved and feel loved by someone who seems as lost as I did. We rushed things, desperately telling each other that this love was our saviour; that our future laid in each others hands.

We were so blind that we really thought sympathy and feelings for each other would be enough to live a life together. But what we shared were a few hours in a week, meeting like friends, kissing, sometimes fulfilling our duties, but every time I felt that he wasn't there with me and I wasn't either.

I won't say that all we had was a mistake, we had good times, hours filled with laughing and sharing our life, but it was a mistake that we lied to each other.

And when I step into his room, seeing him sitting on his bed; and when he looks up into my eyes with a sad look it's the first time that the truth is laid out in front of us.

"Callie… you came…" He says almost in a whisper and I nod as I lay down my keys.

"Yes… I came… what's wrong? You sounded so desperate on the phone?"

"Could you… Would you sit down?"

I nod silently and take the free place besides him, where he had his hand laid down.

"I… I need to talk to you… Callie…" He starts and gulps hard as he tries to continue and even if I already know the truth, and even if it hurts slightly, I know we were never meant to be together and this ache in my heart is replaced by a feeling of hope and fate.

"I know, George… I know already…" I whisper touching his hand to reassure him.

"You… You know?"

"I know about you… and Izzie… I've known all the way, George… I just kept it to myself."

When he excepts me to scream or cry or do anything to show him how much I hate him for what he did to me I sit there, half smiling, half crying, slowly nodding.

When we look into our eyes it's pretty clear what comes next. The truth sneaks out and stays in this room and the final step into a new future will be done.

"I haven't been honest either, George… you felt in love with someone else and I did, too… We both did a mistake and I think… I think… George… it would be the best when…"

He looks up for the first time and that's when I realize that he feels the same about us, about what has been and how the future should look like. We shouldn't feel forced to be together.

"I know…"

…

"_What are you thinking about?" She finally whispers like 2 weeks ago when we were standing in the water._

_2 weeks ago I wouldn't have been able to tell her what I want and what she meant to me, but now I am, with my heart pounding heavily._

_"I… I want to kiss you…"_

_I say out, almost whispering and when I look her into the eyes I know that I'd explode without loving her._

_I'm not able to say something else, her eyes filled with desire, her face unreadable. I just wait desperately for her to say something. Anything._

_"Then… why… don't you do it? Please, Calliope… just kiss me…" She whispered finally, almost not audible._

_5 words, forcing me to forget all my fears, forcing me to raise my hand and stroke Arizona's neck softly, before pulling her nearer._

_And when our lips first met the butterflies began to fly, thanking Aphrodite for release. And they were dancing, surrounding us whole time our kiss lasted and it looked like we would never stop again._

_Even it was a soft kiss, our lips pressed together at first to experience each other slowly, it was full of tenderness._

_We never parted; we even stopped breathing, not wanting to stop kissing after we were able to give in. After I was finally able to act on my desires and being sure she wanted it as much as I wanted it. I dreamed of it, I asked myself how it would feel. But I never imagine it being as perfect like it is with her really laying in my arms and kissing me back._

_And even I am scared of doing to much; I want to feel more of her, and I am suddenly opening my mouth to taste her._

_And we first parted when air became a problem, but we never stopped touching each other and so her finger found the way to my face, stroking over it, taking each and every part in, before she touched my lips willingly._

_"Your lips are so soft…" She whispers slowly, losing herself while she's looking at me, like I'm loosing myself by touching her._

_And then… again… I'm leaning forward to reveal her how I'm feeling for her._

_It's just a kiss, but this kiss tells more than thousand words could ever say._

_It says loud and clearly in the most sensual way: __**Be mine.**_

…

Thinking about the past usually ached.

It killed me to know what has been and that it will never be. But now it only aches because what I did was leaving her behind, not strong enough to say anything at all…

…**.**

"_What are you thinking about?" She asked me as I lay besides her in this dark room where __our only location, far away from reality, was. And that's how I felt… far away from being married, far away from pretending to live a happy life. _

"_I… I think about staying with you here… forever…" I whisper honestly and I can see the hope sparkling in her desperate eyes._

"_Then…why… don't you do it?" She asks desperately clinging onto what calls __aspiration._

"_I… I can't…"_

…

But now everything changed. If she would ask me again I would say "I will… I will stay with you… forever… as long as you want me to… because I can't let you go again… because… I love you more than I love anything else."

I should have done it earlier instead of torturing both of us.

My desire burns for her, my heart aches for her and my love belongs to her.

I was so stupid to let her go, to stay in a life I was unhappy and unsatisfied, just because I thought I had to.

But now, closing the door to George's room behind me, I feel free for the first time. I feel like I have done the right thing for him and for myself and what I wanted more than anything else seems so real now. It's my love for her that gave me the power to do what I did and to leave my old life behind. I just have to find her and let her know that last night was the start of something brand new. It was the start of us and not the end.

…

"Ay me! for aught that I could ever read,  
Could ever hear by tale or history,  
The course of true love never did run smooth;"

_A midsummer nights dream_

_Act 1 Scene 1_

Over and Over again I read the same part of this play. I read it while I sit on a bench in this lonely place somewhere in Seattle where I'm alone with my thoughts and my tears are not able to be seen by anyone.

_**The course of**__** true love never did run smooth… The course of true love never did run smooth…**_

No… it never did… but it was worth fighting, wasn't it?

Or was it better to give up after fighting for so long?

When I think about her I see everything, I feel like I've found my home.

But right now it feels like I lost myself in the chamber of loneliness.

And like I haven't got anything to choose anymore, in one movement I pick out my mobile phone and dial a well known number.

I wait a few seconds before I can hear her voice finally again and immediately I start to cry.

It takes seconds until I'm able to compose myself and ask her something important.

"Do you have a place for me to stay?"_**  
**_


	25. You had time

**Author's Note:** Oh… only 3 reviews? I guess you are really sad or mad about what I decided. But though I hope you will still like the next Chapters *smiling*… Thanks to whom who are still here with me, I appreciate that very much =) and here's the next part.

All my best wishes to all of you

-Sun

**Chapter 24**** – You had time**

_(Calliope's pov)_

Love is everything we have and it has been with me all my life.

I was born because of love and I was born into love.

My parents loved me and I shared love with me friends.

I had great lovers, but I didn't know what great love is until I met her, and I realized how painful love can be when she left me.

But I never gave up on love, there couldn't only be one love in your whole life?

In my case there has been only one true love.

However, believe me, sometimes you can't differ between true love and the wish to feel loved and be able to love… you can lie to yourself without realizing, until you finally stand in front of the truth; until you know what you've felt all your life: There's this person you could never forget, one love you can't let go, one girl who belongs to you… there's this feeling… that makes a simple touch to something breath- taking and a short glance to something special. It feels so good… so pure… and so right.

And suddenly you know what to do.

You run as fast as you can, until your lungs burn, and you can't breathe anymore. You stand in front of a blue door, breathlessly, your limbs feeling numb, but your heart feels alive like no time before.

And that's love.

I knock on the door, furiously, driven by the thoughts of us, together, driven by the freedom I now have. All the time I hated it to leave her and live a life that wasn't meant to be mine… I should have ended it earlier… but the responsibility belonged to me like my own heart, because my parents taught me to be true to my own words… and even if it was rushed, even if it was in a small chapel in Las Vegas… it was what I did and what I said… what I promised…

But those words were never enough, not compared what my heart screamed loudly, forcing me to follow my true feelings.

And finally I can breathe again; a never ending smile is leaving my lips and the whole day I couldn't forget how she looked at me this morning, so full of love and hope…

I knocked more loudly and I couldn't wait for her to open the door.

"The door is open." She called out with her voice sounding so strange in my ears, but I couldn't think about something else than saying sorry, than looking into her blue eyes, loosing myself in them, touching her soft cheeks, right before I'd grace her velvet lips…

I walk through her flat, her scent lingering everywhere and she is so clearly presented every where I see… But nothing else counts as finally reaching her and so I follow her voice into her bedroom.

"Arizona…" I say smiling as I open the door, awaiting her, sitting on her bed reading a book like she always used to, but instead she's standing there with a suitcase in front of her and I can't believe what I'm seeing. What is she doing? But most of all… Why… Wouldn't she have told me if she had planned moving away again or leaving the town? Wouldn't she have said anything at least?

"What… are you doing?"

**H****ow can I go home  
with nothing to say**

_(Arizona's pov)_

Now and then you make decisions and even though you know it might be wrong, it feels right when you decide to do it. It feels like the only thing you can do…

My heart aches here in Seattle and I can't even cry, because there's nothing left anymore…

I can't fight anymore, even if I want, but sometimes you are not strong enough. Sometimes your body starts to feel as worn out as your heart and you simply resign. In some ways… you even start to give up, and there's nothing else than leaving to clear your head.

As I recognize a loud knock on the door I simply shout "The door is open", but I feel a flinch in my stomach… I spoke Teddy on her mailbox asking her to come to me before I was taking the flight back to the place where I hoped to find my peace and the strength to keep her in my life no matter what was going to be… All I knew that I could never let her go and all I felt was sorrow and pain and the knowledge that right now we couldn't be anything.

And before I'd leave I had to say Teddy goodbye, seeing her or at least talking to her to explain why I go away right now.

But it wasn't Teddy who opened the door to my bedroom. I didn't even had to spin around or hear her voice to recognize her presence… her scent alone encompassed me and I almost forgot what I needed to do, instead I wanted to stay…

"Arizona…" Her voice sounded so happy, until she saw the clothes in my bag and my blank eyes. "What… What are you doing?"

**I know you're going to look at me that way  
and**** I say what did you do out there  
and what did you decide  
you said you needed time  
and you had time**

I had to look away… I couldn't look her in the eyes, because that might change my will, it might bring me back into her arms, where I wanted to be… but I couldn't… we shouldn't anymore… not now…

"I'm leaving for a while…" I reply dryly.

"Wha… How… how long are you leaving?" Her voice suddenly dies and I spin around for the first time, looking her into the eyes directly. What is it what I see? Fear, Sadness, Insecurity, Love?

"I don't know…" Honesty is all I can give her.

"Where do you go?" In her voice it's clearly printed down that she hates to have to ask me. She hates to be near me, but not near enough.

"Home… I'm going home…"

"But… But, you can't. You can't go…"

Why, Calliope? Why can't I leave?, is all I want to ask her. I want to know why she needed so long, why she has to come in, one moment before I want to leave. She had so many hours, so many days, so many weeks… I was there… I know it was my fault in the first place to let her go, but… I waited for her all the time… and she had time… But now… I can't no longer.

"You can't go… because I need you here."

So many nights and so many days I waited for her to say it…

But sometimes it comes jut one minute too late.

**I guess everything is timing  
I guess everything's been said  
so I am coming home with an empty head**

_(Calliope's pov)_

She didn't say anything; she just looked away, avoiding my gaze. I knew why she was doing it, because I knew her well enough. She couldn't look me in the eye, because her eyes would tell me anything and my eyes would get in the away of her plans.

"I'm free… I'm free for you, Ari… After thinking about doing it for so long… Ari… I love you. I love you with all my heart and I'm sorry for letting you down so many times… but I talked to George when I left you again… and Arizona… here I am just for you…"

When she says nothing again I take a step forward and I feel released when she doesn't take a step back, but instead she gives in when I touch her cheek with my right hand, forcing her to look up.

"Every kiss, every touch, every word was true… I meant everything I said and I loved you all the way… and I'm sorry that it took so long."

I know she waited for me to say it, but the struggle is clear presented in her eyes and in her whole body.

"I can't, Callie…" Is all she can say.

**You'll say did they love you or what  
I'll say they love what I do  
the only one who really loves me is you**

"I want you more than anything else… but too much happened and it just can't continue like nothing has been… I want you and you know that… But I'll go home to my parents to be able to rest and think about it…. I'll go and I don't know how long, but I'll…"

"No, Ari… don't do anything… just stay… you don't have to leave…" I say desperately and I don't know what to do anymore.

"My flight is already booked, Calliope…"

"Then cancel it…"

"I can't."

"Why, Ari, Why?"

"Please… just try to understand me… just try it once… I need time… like you needed time… But I promise I'll be there… and I'll wait for you again, if you want to find me… but we both need time…"

And somehow I even understand what she means and how she feels. She needs time and I'll give it to her…

We stand there minutes in silence, because I can't find the will to say anything at all. Maybe this is not the end of us… but I don't want her to leave either.

And then suddenly she breaks the silence, trying to smile my way.

"If you want… take me to the airport… I'd love to spend the rest of the time with you…"

I nod wordlessly and help her to close the suitcase just like years ago when I went with her to the airport to see her flying to another place where we couldn't be together like before, and now I couldn't see her how much I wanted or needed either.

But I nodded… I couldn't let her go without saying goodbye. And I couldn't let her go without trying.

**you'll say it's really good to see you  
you'll say I missed you horribly  
you'll say let me carry that  
give that to me  
and you will take the heavy stuff  
and you will drive the car  
and I'll look out the window making jokes  
about the way things are**

_(Arizona's pov)_

A long time ago when we were young it wasn't easy to say goodbye, but it was easier to believe.

The morning of my departure was filled with sadness, with fear and the feeling to let the love of your life go.

The atmosphere was tensed, it was heavy on my shoulders and somehow I even felt guilty for leaving her here. Though she always gave me the feeling that nothing I did was wrong. She kissed me, she touched me sweetly, she talked and talked without a pause… it was her way to say goodbye to. It was her way to make it feel like a normal day.

We stayed in bed forever, making love for hours and in the night we didn't even sleep for a second. We wanted to be awake the whole time we had left together, until we would spend weeks apart from each other. We simply needed to be, just Calliope and me.

It was hard, but it was also oh so simple…

She drove me to the airport and we listened to the song, to our song, singing along. "_Let's take a picture now, I do not want to forget, The way you look at me when everything is perfect… Because I've made room in my heart You ask me what I'm doing I say displaying our love  
I can see you when I'm awake and you're the one I'm dreaming of…"_

And as we sang, I never looked away from her and touched her leg to be connected with her. Then she looked at me and I will never forget what I saw…

It was immeasurable mournfulness that I caused, but it was also love, so soft and willingly.

She would have taken anything, ever word and every scar, every heartache, as long as she could be with me. To concentrate on the road, she looked away again, but she took my hand in hers, kissed my knuckles and guided me to her chest where her heart was furiously pounding.

"You feel that?" She asked softly and I simply nodded. I was so fixated and caught by this plain touch, that no word could left my mouth at all.

"It's because of you… I don't want to let you go, but I believe… We'll get through this…"

Her voice cracks as she looks into my eyes again and I see tears welling up as she stops the car at the side road.

She couldn't drive anymore and I needed to feel her close, so I was relieved when the car stopped and I freely released the strap that kept me away from her and I sneaked my arms around her as good as I could.

I held her close by my side and kissed her forehead, her hair, I smelled her one last time; I kissed her cheeks and desperately I kissed her lips, clinging onto this feeling as I whispered: "We'll get through this… We'll get through anything…" a thousand times, until she stopped shivering and instead looking into my eyes, nodding.

Then she kissed me again, closing her eyes. It wasn't as desperate as before.

No… it was dulcet and soft, long and tender, saying all I ever needed to hear:

"Yes… we will."

But 15 years later it was different. We couldn't smile, we couldn't laugh. We couldn't do anything than sitting at each other, knowing we were there, but our mouths were closed, so that no word could leave them. When we were together, we felt alone, but we weren't. We would never be as long as we could be there. Only being.

We didn't say anything for the whole drive, but before we could reach the airport her hand found mine, and she held it, stroking it softly. She held my hand that a glance of her eyes wasn't needed to tell me what she wanted: "Don't go, give us time."

But in life decisions are not always so easy. No, they are not done easily… and if it comes to love your head tells you something else than your heart, and the only connection is your soul, connecting your head and your heart… but what are your doing when your soul is broken in two pieces… the one needing time to find out what's the best… and the next already knowing what you have always wanted.

No… sometimes it's not easy to say… yes.

**how**** can I go home  
with nothing to say  
I know you're going to look at me that way  
and say what did you do out there  
and what did you decide  
you said you needed time  
and you had time**

_(Calliope's pov)_

So we stood there at this large airport where people said hello or goodbye to each other. An atmosphere embossed with love. I still held her hand, because I needed this simple touch, I needed this sort of connection to believe that this isn't goodbye forever. I need to believe that our love is stronger than anything else in my life, and if she goes this isn't meant to be goodbye. This is meant to be: I'll just need time, but I'll be back… I will be back…

But though I can't let her go… I can't just let her go.

We stand there in front of a silver barrier, of a detector, in front of a gate that will bring her away from here.

But I won't let her go.

I tighten the grip on her hand and spin around so I can face her, look into her watery now almost crystal blue eyes as I tend to smile.

"Marry me."

Her mouth gaps open. "What...?"

"There's only one thing before you leave… Arizona, Marry me. We could… live by the sea, like they do in the movies. Or we… We could live in a beautiful flat filled with your books and my movies, a flat filled with our stuff, smelling and looking like you and the kitchen would be mine. And you… you could do everything you want to do… make it all bubbly and… smiley… and colour the walls in rainbow colours. Do whatever you want… Just marry me."

It was the first time tears rolled down her cheeks, an ocean that flowed into a lonely lake while she was licking over her lips. Sorrowful she looked into my eyes.

"I wish… I wish I could…" She whispered softly and it was her who tightened the grip this time. It was her who came nearer; it was Arizona who made the final movement to let her lips ghostly grace mine. It was a ghost kiss, so gently I had to ask myself if it was reality or a dream.

"I wish I could… but… One day I'm your affair and the next day I am your wife… You don't want me to leave, but not like that… I love you, still, more than you might believe now… but what happened… There's nothing left for me here but you Calliope… I hope that you'll find out what you really want. There's so much I wish I'd know. I have to do this on my own. I hope that you understand, understand anything of what I try to understand… But I will always wait for you… and maybe you will know soon… maybe we can talk when I come back…"

And there was only one last kiss and I gazed the floor.

There was only one kiss before she spun around and I lost the grip of her hand, desperately trying to hold her close, but she went away, walking to the silver barrier, but before she left, I felt a breeze. I felt a rush before her hands held me impossible close and her lips were on mine, she kissed me desperately and I opened my mouth to intensify the feeling, the feeling of us… And then she looked up into my eyes and I could read her thoughts, that she wanted to stay with me, but I also knew that there are things we have to do…

And we need time.

Then finally she stepped back again, smiling sadly as she was crying silently. Only tear tracks and the vibration in her voice were evidently.

"This isn't goodbye."


	26. Authors Alert

Hello my lovely readers,

Unfortunately I have to tell you all that this is not going to be the next Chapter of this story.

I'm rather here to tell you, that after I got into a big crisis and a beloved friend of me died, I decided that now is not the right time for me to write anything.

So I decided to take a break and let you know that I didn't forget any of my stories or that you are waiting. Though I hope you'll understand and you'll be still there when I have found my strength to continue with this part of my life, writing, and with my life at all.

Thanks for the great reviews you always gave to me. And thanks for understanding.

All the best on your way and hopefully until soon

-Sun


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